You may be surprised to hear this, but couples who argue love each other more than couples who never raise their voices at each other.
How can this be?
It’s simple. Couples who argue feel “safe” to express their emotions. This research highlights the same – couples who fight a lot are more in love.
This is a great sign, as it shows that you and your partner have a strong bond that is so tight that a good fight or two may not break you.
Let’s look at the trajectory from the early days of a relationship, where everything is flowers and kittens and you never seem to have any friction, to later on in a mature and solid relationship, where you and your partner have been known to rattle the rafters with the decibels of your voices.
What are some behaviors that can kill a relationship? Watch this video to know more.
Why do couples who argue a lot love each other more
“Do all couples argue?” Well, yes. However, couples who argue love each other more – or at least research says so. However, it does make sense when you think of it.
Couples who argue are more vulnerable with each other. They can express if an action or words of their spouse have hurt them or if they think they are wrong.
You can only do this when you are a hundred percent real with each other and are not afraid to show your weaknesses. Vulnerability helps build trust. Couples who argue also have better communication than those who don’t.
Contrary to popular opinion, people who do not argue do not have good communication because even as they are talking, they are not talking about the things that matter, things that can help improve their relationship.
Small talk is not for your partner. You should communicate clearly and healthily with them if you want to live a happy marriage.
How to argue effectively with your partner
Is arguing in a relationship healthy? Well, yes, if done the right way.
A good couple will learn how to argue in a way that moves them forward. This is a positive thing. Arguments with spouses allow you to teach each other differing viewpoints, perspectives, and who you are as individuals.
How boring would your relationship be if you two agreed on everything? You would have little to offer each other.
Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t ever storm out of the room, effectively cutting off the discussion.
4. Stick to the topic of the conflict
Stick to the topic of the conflict without bringing up old grudges. Naturally, you may start to argue or fight about other things that have been bothering you, but understand that you need to work towards one solution at a time.
5. Call for a timeout
If you feel your anger escalating and know that you will say something you regret, call for a timeout and suggest that you both leave the room to cool off and agree to revisit the issue once your emotions have cooled off. Then begin again.
6. Argue from a place of kindness, respect, and love for your partner
Keep those three adjectives in your mind. You are not adversaries in a boxing ring but two people who are fighting because you want to work things out, so both of you come out of this with a sense of having been heard and respected.
It means they are invested in making their partnership the best one possible. This makes sense. If couples aren’t arguing, it may indicate they’ve “given up” on any chance of the relationship getting any better and have decided to settle for a state of non-communication.
That is not a good place to be, and eventually, that relationship will dissolve. No one wants to live like hostile, silent roommates.
Another interesting fact that researchers observed is that couples who argue are most likely to be passionate, sexually-driven people.
Their conflicts seem to heighten arousal and often get resolved in the bedroom. They transfer the high emotion of the argument into an increased libido, which ultimately keeps their bond strong.
7. Show your real self during an argument
Arguments help draw a couple together because when they fight, all their polished personas come off and show who they really are.
This creates a closeness between them, like siblings who fight when they are young. (Think about how close your family is—part of this is due to all those fights you had as kids.)
8. Remember that fighting means something important
When you feel free and safe enough to fight with your partner, you have a deep love that is strong enough to withstand a challenge like an argument.
Love and anger can exist in a relationship; it doesn’t mean you don’t have a good relationship. On the contrary, it means you’ve reached a great stage in your love story.
9. Do not compare your relationship to the beginning of it
When you meet and start dating the one you will eventually marry, it is normal for you to be on your best behavior. You want the person to see all your good parts, and you would never dream of criticizing or challenging them in these early days.
All is bliss and smiles. Both of you are preening, like peacocks around each other, only showing your pretty and pleasant attributes.
There is no room for screaming here. You are trying to make the other fall in love with you.
However, as you move past the honeymoon phase, the reality and monotony of life start to hit you. This is when you may start to fight, but the key is to not compare it to when things were rosy because that would be unrealistic.
As you settle into your relationship, you will show more of your true inner self. Your thoughts, emotions, opinions, and questions will be shared. Sometimes these may lead to a good, rich discussion, and other times lead to disagreements.
This is a healthy thing, as you will learn how best to volley your opinions back and forth to arrive at a common ground or resolution.
During this time, you will learn the best, most productive ways to deal with conflict in your couple.
If something affects your mental or emotional well-being, learn to say no to it. You do not have to push yourself just because someone else needs to vent. Boundaries such as not yelling at each other or taking a break when the argument gets too heated are important in handling relationship arguments effectively.
Very often, when we are expressing our emotions, we tend to lose our chain of thought. This can cause you to lose sight of why you are arguing in the first place. While other topics or issues may also be important, getting to them turn by turn is essential.
Remember that it is a problem against the two of you and not the two of you against each other.
1. Is it normal to argue in a relationship every day?
It is very natural to ask if this is normal, especially if you and your partner regularly argue almost daily.
While little arguments may be alright, fighting about big issues every day could signify that your relationship needs help and work.
Whether or not you reach a conclusion or solution at the end of the argument is also important to determine if it is okay to argue every day.
Couples who argue all the time need to understand why they do so.
If you both intend to come to a solution, then an everyday argument may be fine. However, if you both argue because you have built-up resentment for each other or to prove each other wrong, constant arguing in a relationship may cause much harm.
Arguing and fighting in a relationship are necessarily not bad things. One, it depends on where the argument is coming from. And two, it depends on how you handle the argument and what you do about it.
Arguing with your spouse with the right intentions can help your relationship thrive. It builds communication, trust, and understanding. However, if you argue just for the sake of it or because you want to belittle your partner or vent your frustration, the relationship may become unhealthy and may need help like couples therapy.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.