Healthy sex, healthy relationships. Right? But what if you find yourself in a marriage or a long-term commitment, and your sexual drives are different than that of your partner? Or what if you fall in love with someone, who can’t figure out how to please you sexually? For the last 28 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and life coach David Essel has been helping couples to figure out this whole thing about connection, sexuality and communication.
Dangers of not being honest in your sexual experiences with your partner
Below, David talks about the dangers of not being honest in our sexual experiences with our partner. And how to correct it. A number of years ago a woman came into my work, embarrassed to talk about a topic that she couldn’t even bring up to her girlfriends. Since she had met her husband 10 years ago, she had faked every orgasm that she had ever had with him. She was super uneasy regarding this topic, and so she just blurted it out. She got red in the face, embarrassed, stared at the floor, picked at her fingers, shuffled her feet, couldn’t even look at me after she made the comment. I assured her that while this may not be the best situation, that millions of women have done this since the beginning of time.
She looked up, quizzically at me, and said “Really David? I’ve never had any of my girlfriends ever tell me that they fake their orgasms at all. I feel like I’m the only person that ever has.“I guided her, to assure her, that this was something that has been done since the beginning of time by many women, and that I’ve even done YouTube videos on this very topic. She was relieved. But now she wondered, what should she do about it?
We got into the discussion of how she and her husband met, what her first sexual experience with him was like, and why she decided to stay quiet for 10 years.
Love alone won’t be enough to keep you happy with a man
She told me her first sexual experience with her husband was terrible. It was absolutely terrible. He was not a very confident man in bed while he was extremely successful in his career, he had no confidence in his ability to talk about sex or to spend enough time talking to her about sex to make sure she was happy. In her extremely codependent nature, she didn’t want to rock the boat. She thought love would be enough to keep her happy with a man who is very successful, and outside of the bedroom seemed to have his stuff together.
But after 10 years of faking every orgasm, she had ever had with him and then taking care of her physical needs in the shower after they had sex, she couldn’t handle it anymore. She wanted out of the marriage but didn’t know how she would support herself financially. Then she felt guilty because she wanted to end the relationship over a lack of a sexual connection.
It isn’t just about sex, it is about communication as well
As we continued to talk about her sexual relationship with her husband it became quite apparent that this wasn’t the only area of life that they were having trouble communicating. They couldn’t talk about finances in a healthy way. They couldn’t talk about politics in a healthy way. They couldn’t talk about how to raise their children in a healthy way. And here, the sex thing, they had no idea how to talk about sexuality, or her lack of sexual pleasure, in a healthy way either. She started to see the pattern. It wasn’t just about sex, it was about communication as well.
Many men have no clue of how to take care of women sexually
Many women make the mistake thinking that men should know how to please a woman, as long as she’s not the first women in his sexual life, that every man should know how to take care of a woman sexual needs.
While some men do have the ability to intuitively tune in and take care of their partners’ sexual needs, many men have no clue whatsoever. Let me repeat that.
Many men have no clue whatsoever of how to take care of women sexually. And why is that so? Men have a really hard time in getting humble, especially around money and sexuality. So if they’re not sure how to please a woman in bed they have a real fear that by asking her what she likes, it makes him look like less of a man.
The client that I’m writing about here had the same belief systems about men. She would say to me over and over “I’m not the first girl he’s ever been with, I just expected that he should know how to take care of me on a daily basis“ Even after years of proving he can’t, or couldn’t take care of her sexual needs, she was afraid to speak up. She was extremely codependent.
Fake orgasms paving way for pent-up resentment
I told her that the reason she was in my office is the number one reason why we should never fake orgasms in life – resentments build over the years, and now she wanted to divorce her husband, because she had never found a way to be open, and honest with him on her own, or to bring him into a counselor so that they could talk together about her lack of sexual satisfaction.
Every woman that I’ve worked with over the past almost 30 years, that is not sexually satisfied in the bedroom, says the same thing. Men should know what we need. Men should know how to perform oral sex on a woman. Men should be able to read my mind basically and understand that my needs might be different than another woman he’s been with in the past. So I started teaching my client how do use nonverbal communication in the bedroom in order to direct his hand, his mouth, his tongue and more so that she could be more satisfied.
Be more vocal to help your partner catch on to what he needs to do
She started to talk to him more openly after my suggestion, and she asked him questions about what he would like different in the bedroom. Over the course of six months, the marriage was saved. He started to pay attention to her slight gestures with her hands, her moans and more and he started to catch on to what he needed to do differently with her in the bedroom.
The funny thing? Because of her nonverbal communication, their sex life improved dramatically. They never had to have a sit-down conversation where she told him “you are not helping me reach orgasm, and you haven’t for 10 years.“ For most men that hear that they’re going to shut down even more. They may get angry. Isolated. Withdrawn.
But because she followed the advice that I had created for her, about how to speak without speaking, her sexual needs were finally being met. And their sex life improved so dramatically, that it went from once every two weeks to once every 3 to 4 days.
If you’re a woman and or a man who is not been fulfilled sexually by your partner, read the above article again.
And then, most importantly, get in with a counselor and or a sex therapist and start to learn the different techniques that we teach in our practice, so you can be fulfilled in every area of your marriage or relationship. You are worth it. Do the work now.“