The four most important keys, in order to get back fire in your sex life!
Have you ever reached the point of being bored with the sex life you have with your partner? Are your needs not getting met? Have your hormones changed? Is the lack of sex drive pushing your partner and yourself further and further apart?
The above questions are normal part of almost all relationships. Millions of Americans today in relationships are struggling with their own sexuality, their own desires, and have a really hard time communicating this to their partners.
But that shouldn’t be the case! I’m constantly amazed, and even saddened at times, when I work with individuals or couples who are struggling in the relationship because their intimate and or sexual needs are not getting met. Overcoming dissatisfaction in regular sexual regime is easier than you think.
There are four important keys to maintaining a healthy, vibrant sex life regardless of what age you might be. Let’s take a look at these key steps right now, to put fire back into your intimate and sexual life:
1. Talk about sex
Talking about sex is one of the scariest things for many couples to do. So what do we do? We conceal our feelings. We conceal our wants. We conceal our needs regarding sex. And we hope that our partner will either read our minds and give us what we need, or maybe eventually we will find someone who will be able to do that for us. Both of these internal decisions, will bring us nothing but hell, and may lead to the eventual end of the relationship.
The answer? It’s pretty obvious, but most of us are too afraid to talk about sex with our partners. We’re afraid of being judged, rejected or worse, abandoned. We are apprehensive thinking that they might find our sexual wants weird or distasteful. Or if your libido is low you might fear for them to seek a new partner for fulfilling their desires.
But the most important thing is to get clear on what is not working for you in the relationship. How do you do that? Well, as a counselor I’m going to tell you right away to run to your nearest counselor. But before you do that, I want you to write down what isn’t working in your sexual, intimate life. Is there not enough sex? Is it too rough? Is it too often? In other words we have to get clear on what the problem is before we can even discuss it with our partner or a professional. (If you see that your own personal sexual desire, or sexual drive has dropped romantically, this is a perfect time to get a check up with a hormone specialist, to make sure that your testosterone/estrogen etc. are operating at the optimal potential for your age and gender.)
Once you have written down the problems in your sex life and how you feel about it, share this list with your. No matter how uncomfortable it gets, you must let your partner know how this situation is affecting you. Make sure that you have this conversation outside the bedroom. Never talk about sexuality or intimacy in the bedroom. Also, ensure, that you send them your list of concerns beforehand, before actually having the conversation. No one likes to be blindsided. That’s just not playing fair.
3. Create a list of things you like about your partner
Sex is crucial in a romantic relationship but it is not the only thing that matters. There must be other attributes that you like about your partner. Create a list of these. Do you enjoy their willingness to laugh? To explore uncharted territory on the road? Do you enjoy the fact that you both love tennis? Theater? Movies?
Whatever you find that you really enjoy about your partner, make a list of that and share it with your partner. If you can’t think of more than one or two things that you enjoy about your partner currently, seek help from a counselor. It means that there’s a serious subconscious block, that’s keeping you from appreciating what your partner might bring to the table. Or… It might be that your relationship is in a worse condition than you thought.
Too many couples make the mistake of staying together when their relationship is dead, or staying together just because they have children together. But during their stay either they treat each other like crap or ignore each other. That’s not a relationship. That’s called a jail sentence. Don’t allow yourself to get there, but if you do, immediately get help.
In my professional practice, I have worked with hundreds of couples over the last few years who thought their relationship was dead. It couldn’t be saved. But with effort, and accountability, they were able to turn it around. You can too. But if you can’t for some reason, it would be better for you both to be on your own, than dragging each other to hell every day by staying together.
4. Plan dates!
Once you’ve taken care of the above three steps, now it’s time to have fun. Set up dates for intimacy only. Get a babysitter if you have kids, and go rent a hotel room for three or four hours. I’m serious!
Rent videos on sexuality, intimacy, educational videos can be exciting, giving you more and more ideas on how to create a healthy sexual relationship with your partner.
Go to an intimacy workshop, the kind that goes over the course of the weekend, so you can take the information that you learnt back into the room and practice them with your partner.
Be patient. I’m going to repeat this. Be patient. Don’t demand for your partner become a sexual superstar in the bedroom because you both have come to a point of speaking about the need to change your sexuality. Not a healthy move. And remember, in all relationships there’s usually one leader. If you’re the leader reading this, take action. Don’t wait and say “well if my partner wanted to change our relationship they should come to me.”
No they shouldn’t. In all relationships there’s one person that stands up and takes the lead. If you’re reading this, my best guess is – it’s you.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by David Essel