Where Does Love Come From?

Jane Fendelman

Jane Fendelman, Coach

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Jane E Fendelman, MC counselor, author, speaker, has a Bachelor of Science Degree in Education 1982 and Master of Counseling Degree 1993. She is an individual,... Read more

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Updated: 1 Mar, 2023

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Your feelings come from you; they are triggered and reflected by others but not given by them, so own them, name them, and invite honest closeness.
Look inward first; when your buttons are pushed, pause, feel the emotion, and heal without blaming, which frees love to flow and brings you closer.
Emotions want acknowledgment; like a child saying "I see," they need your presence, and by staying with pain, fear, and anger you model self-mastery and deepen connection.

People are our mirrors. Our ugliness and our beauty is reflected to us through them. When you are with your children (or your beloved) and you are feeling intense love, your tendency might be to attribute that feeling to the other person saying, “I feel your love.” This is not true.

What we are feeling is OUR LOVE, in the presence of the other person. They may trigger or reflect our feelings but, they are not giving them to us.

Here is a way to verify whether or not your thoughts, feelings and, behaviors are coming from you or them.

See who is expressing feelings

Check and see whose head or mouth they are coming out of. If they are coming out of yours, they are yours. No one can put feelings into you, they can, however, call them out of you.

When you are feeling frustrated and out of control with your children remember, these feelings live within you and when they are called out you may be tempted to blame them on someone else. If you did have those feelings, they could not have been awakened.

It is not for me to change the world so that my buttons will not get pushed, it is for me to get rid of my buttons so, everyone may be just who they are. If I am not in resonance with who they are I may gently move away and love them from a distance.

It is not ”bad” when your button gets pushed. It may not feel good but, it is a chance to heal and disengage this button.

If you can’t feel it, you can’t heal it. This is an opportunity to heal old childhood issues of, fear of loss of control and other issues, that have run you unconsciously and caused pain in your life.

If you can just get still at this point and remember yourself and your beauty, be with the pain, fear and anger in a more present way, it will have an opportunity to turn sweet. I know it sounds too simple but, give it a try and you might be amazed.

Our feelings are like children

Have you ever seen the child in the grocery store, in line with their mom who is engrossed in the tabloid? The child is pulling on her skirt and saying, “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy…” over and over. They can say, “Mommy” two hundred times, you know?

Finally, mom looks down and says, “What?” and the child says, “Look, I tied my shoe.” “Oh, I see.” says mom and the child is satisfied. Our feelings are the same. They just want our acknowledgment, “Oh, I see.”

Handling emotions

Human beings have a tendency to handle their uncomfortable feelings in these two ways, they either run from them or they become paralyzed in them.

If you run from your feelings they will chase you and you have a low grade anxiety and fear all the time.

If you become paralyzed in them you are stuck in what can develop into a depression. Emotions are energy in motion inside your body. Their natural state is to move through and cleanse you and to let you know you need to take care of yourself. Once you learn to acknowledge your feelings they can move up and out.

The more you give yourself permission to feel your feelings the less you will recycle “old stuff” with your loved ones and the less you will expect them (and the world) to change so that you will feel okay. You will become more empowered and also more loving.

Giving your feelings some attention

The best thing about you looking within first is, whenever something comes up, you will begin to feel more loved. When we look within we are giving ourselves attention.

When we look outward and try to choreograph the Universe to fit our own plan we abandon ourselves.

No wonder people feel so alone and frustrated when they try to control the external world – they’ve forgotten about the most important person – themselves!

The bonus here is you will be modeling sovereignty and self-mastery for your children. How many times have you had to deal with a tattle-tail? A tattle-tail is someone who is busy trying to weed someone else’s garden (control another’s life). If everyone on the planet would just weed their own garden, the world would be beautiful! Good luck and happy gardening.

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Jane Fendelman Coach

Jane E Fendelman, MC counselor, author, speaker, has a Bachelor of Science Degree in Education 1982 and Master of Counseling Degree 1993. She is an individual, marriage/couples, and child-family expert and is a twice certified Hospice Worker, Grief Counselor, Critical Incidence Debriefing... Read more Specialist and an Omni-Denominational Minister. Jane is the founder of the Fendelman Metanoia Counseling Method for transformation. Metanoia is a total reversal in thinking or a spiritual awakening. Read less

(Jane Fendelman is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Phoenix)