Most people desire intimate connections with their partners, and these 101 intimate questions to ask your partner can help you to get to know each other better.
Intimate questions for couples can also help you to connect and build a trusting relationship, making these questions to ask your significant other part of the foundation of a happy, lasting partnership.
What keeps couples together?
Intimacy is a part of what keeps couples together because it helps them to develop a sense of trust and connection to each other. Ultimately, this builds relationship satisfaction and prevents couples from growing apart over time.
Research even shows that intimacy can keep couples together.
According to the authors of a 2020 study in the European Journal of Investigation in Health, Psychology, and Education, emotional intimacy is particularly important because it contributes strongly to relationship satisfaction and is perhaps even more important than sexual intimacy.
This is not surprising, given the fact that intimacy leads to feelings of closeness as well as loving behaviors and a strong degree of trust in relationships.
The same study found that low levels of emotional intimacy in relationships were linked to relationship dissatisfaction and uncertainty about the relationship, which in turn increased the risk of infidelity.
This shows just how important intimacy is for keeping couples together and why you should be interested in 101 intimate questions to ask your partner.
The science of intimacy
Since intimate questions can be important for building a connection and keeping couples together, it is also helpful to understand the stages of intimacy in a relationship.
According to experts, there are three stages of intimacy in relationships:
The dependent stage
During this first stage, partners come to depend upon each other for emotional support, assistance with parenting, sexual intimacy, and finances. It is probably during this stage that intimate questions become important because they help you and your partner to connect and feel safe depending upon each other for emotional support.
The 50/50 relationship
The progression to the next stage of intimacy involves two people coming together to share a life and equitably divide the duties in the relationship. For instance, both partners contribute to finances and to parenting roles. Intimate questions continue to be critical during this stage, as without a deep connection, the passion and desire for each other may begin to fade. During this stage, such questions for couples can keep the passion alive.
In the final stage of intimate relationships, couples begin to actually practice love, which teaches them that they cannot fall out of love, but instead, with intimacy, care, and connection, they can engage in the act of loving each other.
Other relationship experts have described a different set of three stages of intimacy in relationships:
This stage involves learning about someone’s personality traits, such as whether they are introverted or extroverted.
The next stage is a little deeper, and it is during this stage that couples learn about each other’s goals, values, and attitudes about life.
This final stage of intimacy occurs when partners truly understand each other and know how each other makes sense of their life story.
Intimate questions can help couples to connect and stay connected at each stage of intimacy.
While asking questions is important, you may be unsure of how to get about asking them. The following ten tips can help you feel more comfortable or even serve as intimate conversation starters for couples:
Find a place and time where you will not be interrupted by outside distractions or obligations.
Have a conversation using intimate questions during dinner or during a car ride when you are sitting down together.
Take the time to listen to each other, and give each person plenty of time to speak and answer questions.
Maintain eye contact when asking questions; this is important for building empathy and emotional connection.
Use intimate conversation starters, such as asking questions about your partner’s hobbies or bucket list.
Find a relaxed environment for asking intimate questions, and if your partner seems uncomfortable, choose a different question or find another time or setting for the conversation.
Try asking some funny questions to lighten the mood and create intimate conversation starters.
Begin with questions that are easier to answer, and then move on to deeper questions.
If you and your partner are not comfortable with asking questions face-to-face, you may begin by asking these questions via text message, especially if you are in the first stage of intimacy.
Avoid reacting with anger or judgment when your partner answers questions, and remember that some of their answers may surprise you.
Once you understand the importance of intimacy and how to initiate a conversation that includes intimacy, you are ready to explore potential questions you may ask. There are several categories of intimate questions:
Basic attraction questions to ask your partner
Asking basic attraction questions can help understand why your partner felt attracted to you. You can identify the qualities that they like about you and they can learn more about you.
What did you notice about me first?
Is physical attraction an important part of whether you pursue a romantic relationship with someone?
Do you usually have a type? How did I fit with this type?
When you tell other people about me, what do you say?
What would you want me to tell other people about you?
What traits about me are special to you?
When you see me, what is the first thought that generally comes to your mind?
Do you ever look at people of the opposite sex?
How would you react if my appearance changed considerably overnight, such as if I dyed my hair a new color?
How would you feel if my appearance changed over time, such as if I put on weight?
Learning about your partner’s past experiences through intimate questions is a great way to strengthen your bond. However, what you must be careful of is to not judge them for their failures and not allow jealousy to affect your relationship.
Have you ever cheated on someone in a past relationship?
Has there ever been a time you were close to cheating but decided against it?
How many serious relationships have you had in the past?
Have you been in love in the past?
What was going through your mind on our first date?
Were you looking for a relationship when we found each other?
Did you debate asking me on a date? What would have made you not ask me?
When it comes to sex there’s more to discover than you might think. Ask these fun sexual questions and learn about you and your partner’s preferences, and how you can bring those together to create the best intimate partnership possible.
Is there anything sexual we have not tried that you would like to try?
Where and how do you like to be touched?
Are you satisfied with the physical aspects of our relationship?
What would make our sexual relationship better for you?
In a perfect world, how often would you like to have sex?
Do you have any sexual fantasies you think about often?
How can I keep the physical intimacy between us strong throughout the day, outside of the bedroom?
Sometimes, you might not be comfortable asking intimate questions in person, or you may want to connect via text when away from your partner. These intimate questions are appropriate for text messaging:
What is something you have always wanted to tell me but couldn’t?
What is the biggest thing you miss about me now?
Where do you like me to kiss you?
When was the time you’ve felt the closest to me?
The next time we are together, what is one thing you’d like me to do to you?
What is one thing I can do to be a better boyfriend/girlfriend to you?
Beyond the specific categories mentioned above, there are some additional intimate questions that can keep the conversation going. These intimate questions to ask your girlfriend, boyfriend, or spouse are as follows:
What is your number one fear?
What is something I do that annoys you?
What was the last thing I did to make you feel truly appreciated?
What is your favorite thing to do with me?
Are you more introverted or extroverted?
If you could go back in time and change one decision you’ve made throughout your life, what would it be?
What’s your favorite memory from our relationship?
When you are upset, do you want to talk about it, or would you prefer I give you space?
What is something you admire about me?
What accomplishment from your life makes you most proud?
Is there anything you regretted from when you were younger?
What part of our relationship makes you happiest?
What is one thing that you think is unforgivable in a relationship?
Were there any beliefs your parents had that you grew to reject as an adult?
What is one deep thing you have learned from me?
What stands out as something good that has happened to you within the past month?
If your house were on fire and your loved ones were safe, but you had time to save one possession from home, what would you choose?
What is one skill you do not have that you would like to have?
Is there anything you seem to dream about over and over again?
Is there anything you do not know how to do that embarrasses you?
Intimacy is important in relationships because it brings couples together, builds trust, and keeps them satisfied with the relationship.
Asking intimate questions can keep your relationship strong and help you stay together. These intimate questions for couples are great ways to start a conversation and get to know each other on a deeper level.
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Jenni Jacobsen is a licensed social worker with a master's degree in social work from The Ohio State University, and she is in the process of completing her dissertation for a Doctorate of Philosophy in Psychology. She has worked in the social work field for 8 years and is currently a professor at Mount Vernon Nazarene University. She writes website content about mental health, addiction, and fitness.
Licensed as both a social worker through Ohio Board of Counselors, Social Workers, and Marriage/Family Therapists and school social worker through Ohio Department of Education as well as a personal trainer through American Council on Exercise.