What Is Infertility? Types, Causes & Ways to Cope

Trying to conceive can feel like an emotional rollercoaster: hope soaring one minute, plummeting the next. 

Many couples find themselves on this unwanted ride, facing disappointment after disappointment. 

But what is infertility, exactly? 

Infertility is the inability to get pregnant after a year of trying. It doesn’t have to tear you apart though. It can actually bring you closer. 

This guide will be your partner on this journey, offering comfort and practical advice. 

We’ll look at what infertility is, how to navigate the emotional ups and downs, and most importantly, how to build an even stronger bond through shared support. So, take a deep breath, and let’s explore this path together.

What is infertility?

Infertility is the medical term for when a couple is unable to achieve pregnancy after one year of regular, unprotected intercourse (or six months if the woman is over 35). 

It’s a diagnosis that can come with a lot of emotions, but it’s important to remember you’re not alone.

Many factors can contribute to infertility, affecting either partner or a combination of both. It could be an ovulation disorder, problems with sperm production or quality, or even unexplained causes. 

The good news is that with advancements in medicine, many couples facing infertility have various treatment options available.

5 ways infertility can affect relationships

When a couple faces the challenge of infertility, it affects more than just their ability to conceive; it deeply influences the emotional and relational fabric of their lives. Understanding the multiple dimensions in which infertility impacts a relationship is crucial for those navigating this difficult journey.

1. Emotional stress creates tension  

The ongoing cycle of hope and disappointment with each failed attempt at conception can lead to significant emotional distress. Couples might experience a range of emotions from sadness and frustration to guilt and inadequacy. 

Sex therapist Danica Mitchell says,

This often comes from blame and a desire to control something you have little influence over. It involves blaming the other or blaming yourself and hyper-fixating on minute things in the hopes that it will change a very complex outcome.

Impact: This emotional rollercoaster can strain communication and intimacy, leading to tension and conflicts that weren’t present before. This is the crux of dealing with infertility and its effects on a relationship.

• For example: Tom and Lisa feel frustrated and helpless after several unsuccessful IVF attempts. This leads to frequent arguments over small issues, reflecting deeper unspoken anxieties about their future.

2. Physical and financial strain can be overwhelming  

The process of addressing infertility often involves medical interventions like hormone treatments, in vitro fertilization (IVF), and possibly surgery, which can be physically exhausting and invasive. 

Impact: Coupled with the high costs associated with these treatments, the financial burden can become a major source of stress in the relationship, impacting decisions about continuing treatment and other financial goals. 

• For example: Sarah and Mark have spent thousands on fertility treatments, depleting their savings and adding stress about whether to continue treatment or save for a potential adoption.

3. Sexual pressure diminishes intimacy  

When sex is primarily focused on conception, it can lose the spontaneity and joy that strengthens a couple’s bond. This shift can result in decreased sexual desire and satisfaction, making intimate moments feel more like a chore than a shared expression of love, thereby reducing overall intimacy. 

Danica adds here,

Sex can sometimes turn into something robotic, which can cause performance anxiety or a lack of enjoyment, which decreases desire.

Impact: This aspect is particularly challenging for those struggling with infertility, as it directly impacts one of the most intimate parts of a relationship.

• For example: Emily and Alex find themselves scheduling intimacy around ovulation cycles, which makes their interactions feel forced and devoid of the romance they used to enjoy.

4. Social isolation from peers  

Couples struggling with infertility may find it increasingly difficult to interact with friends and family, especially those with children. Events like baby showers, birthdays, or simple family gatherings can become painful reminders of their own struggles. 

Impact: This can lead to withdrawal and isolation, not just from social circles but from each other, as they try to cope with their feelings individually. The isolation can exacerbate the difficulties of infertility in couples, making it a lonely journey.

• For example: Jenna avoids attending her friends’ baby showers and children’s birthday parties because they remind her of her own struggles with infertility, making her feel isolated from her group.

5. Differing coping mechanisms can cause misunderstandings  

Partners often cope with infertility in different ways; one might prefer to seek information and actively pursue treatments, while the other might focus on alternative futures or require more time to process emotions. 

Impact: These differing approaches can lead to misunderstandings and feelings of disconnect, making it feel like they are not on the same page in dealing with their fertility issues. This scenario illustrates the complexity of managing emotions and expectations when both partners are in the throes of infertility.

• For example: While Mia wants to discuss future fertility procedures after every setback, her partner Joe prefers to spend time away from the subject, leading to feelings of disconnect and misunderstanding about each other’s needs and coping styles.

7 ways to cope with infertility problems in a relationship

Infertility can place immense stress on relationships, but with the right approach, couples can manage this challenge effectively. 

Here’s an in-depth look at how to cope with infertility in a relationship, offering practical advice and strategies that couples can employ to keep their relationship strong while dealing with infertility challenges.

1. Open communication

Maintain honesty and openness in your conversations. It’s crucial to express your feelings, fears, and frustrations as well as your hopes for the future. This mutual vulnerability can prevent misunderstandings and deepen your connection during challenging times, essential for coping with fertility problems.

• Pro tip:  Schedule regular ‘check-ins’ where you both share your feelings and updates on your emotional states. Make this a safe space where there’s no judgment, just listening and understanding, helping each other cope with the stress of infertility.

2. Seek professional help

Sometimes the emotional toll of infertility can feel overwhelming. Consulting a therapist or a counselor who specializes in fertility issues can help you manage emotions and stress. They can offer strategies specifically tailored to couples facing these challenges, helping to safeguard your relationship against the strain of infertility.

• Pro tip: Choose a counselor who specializes in reproductive issues and has experience with couples. This ensures they understand the nuances of what you’re going through and can provide tailored advice.

3. Educate yourselves

Understanding the medical processes and treatments available can demystify many aspects of what is infertility and reduce anxiety. Knowledge empowers you to make informed decisions together and helps set realistic expectations about your journey and treatment outcomes.

Danica adds a caution here,

Educating yourself can be helpful. But often people become anxious and hyper-focused and can spend too much time hunting down information to the point where it is unproductive and stress-inducing.

• Pro tip: Create a shared digital folder where you can both add articles, research papers, and resources about infertility. This can be a go-to resource whenever you need to clarify information or make decisions together.

4. Support groups

Joining a group can help mitigate the feeling of isolation by connecting with others who understand what you’re going through. These groups provide a platform to share experiences and coping strategies, reducing loneliness and building a community of support, a key aspect of how to deal with infertility.

• Pro tip: Look for both in-person and online support groups. Online forums can offer anonymity and accessibility, which might be helpful if your schedule is tight or if you prefer not to meet people face-to-face initially. 

5. Prioritize intimacy

It’s important to reconnect as a couple and not let intimacy wane. Try to see physical closeness as an expression of love rather than just a means to conceive. Engage in activities that both partners enjoy and that foster closeness, such as date nights, weekend getaways, or simply spending time together in relaxing environments.

• Pro tip: Plan intimacy that isn’t centered on conception. This could be date nights, spontaneous trips, or even home spa days. The key is to make these activities about connecting with each other, not about the fertility journey.

6. Explore other options

Be open to considering all paths to parenthood. This might include treatments like IVF, IUI, or exploring surrogacy and adoption. Understanding that there are multiple pathways to becoming parents can relieve some of the pressure and disappointment that comes with infertility.

• Pro tip: Set aside time for a thorough discussion about all possible paths to parenthood, including adoption, surrogacy, and various fertility treatments. Research each option together, considering the emotional, financial, and physical implications of each.

7. Take breaks

Infertility treatments can be physically and emotionally exhausting. It’s healthy to take a break and focus on other aspects of your life occasionally. Whether it’s a short vacation or a pause from treatment, stepping back can rejuvenate both your spirits and relationship. 

• Pro tip: Integrate regular ‘fertility-free’ times into your calendar where the topic of fertility is off-limits. Use this time to engage in activities that rejuvenate you both, like hiking, attending a concert, or learning a new hobby together. 

Each of these steps is a way of dealing with infertility, helping couples navigate the complexities of this challenging journey together.

10 things you can say to your partner if you’re struggling with infertility

Communicating effectively when coping with infertility can make a significant difference in how couples support each other through this challenging time. Here are some  things you can say to your partner if you’re struggling with infertility that can help maintain a supportive and nurturing relationship:

1. “I love you, no matter what happens with our fertility journey.”

This affirmation reinforces unconditional love, emphasizing that your relationship and mutual commitment are not defined by the ability to conceive. It offers emotional security and reassurance.

2. “How you feel matters; I’m here whenever you need to talk.”

Acknowledging your partner’s feelings validates their emotional experience and shows you are a safe space for expressing vulnerabilities. It encourages open dialogue and emotional intimacy.

3. “Let’s take some time to focus on us, not just on trying to conceive.”

This statement highlights the importance of nurturing the relationship outside of fertility treatments. It suggests dedicating time to enjoy each other’s company, which can relieve stress and strengthen bonds.

4. “I’m proud of us for how hard we’re trying.”

Recognizing joint efforts in the fertility process fosters a team mentality. It highlights resilience and the shared journey, which can boost morale and collective strength.

5. “It’s okay to feel upset. Do you want to talk about it?”

This opens the door for your partner to share their feelings without judgment, indicating that all emotions are valid. It also gently offers an opportunity for conversation, respecting their need to speak or remain silent.

6. “I appreciate your strength through all of this.”

Complimenting your partner’s strength acknowledges the challenges of infertility while praising their resilience. This can enhance self-esteem and mutual respect.

7. “Let’s plan something fun to do together this weekend.”

Planning enjoyable activities can provide a much-needed break from the routine of medical appointments and treatments. It helps bring lightness and joy back into the relationship.

8. “We’re in this together, and we’ll figure it out no matter what comes our way.”

This reinforces partnership and solidarity, assuring your partner that they are not alone in this journey. It fosters a sense of shared purpose and commitment.

9. “If you need space to process your feelings, I understand and support you.”

Recognizing that sometimes space is necessary for individual processing shows respect for personal coping styles. It balances closeness with healthy boundaries.

10. “Let’s keep exploring all options; I believe there’s a path forward for us.”

Keeping an optimistic outlook on future possibilities can help maintain hope. This statement supports continued collaboration and exploration of alternatives like adoption or assisted reproductive technologies.

Each of these statements is designed to reinforce support, love, and unity, providing a foundation of empathy and companionship that can significantly alleviate the emotional burden of infertility.

What are the different types of infertility?

Understanding the different types of infertility is crucial for couples facing conception challenges. It helps in identifying potential issues and guiding appropriate treatment options. 

Here’s a breakdown of the main types of infertility, which can arise from various physiological, hormonal, or genetic factors affecting either or both partners.

• Primary Infertility

Occurs when a couple has not been able to conceive after at least one year of trying, despite having regular, unprotected intercourse. It can be due to various physiological or genetic factors affecting either partner.

• Secondary Infertility

Diagnosed when a couple has previously conceived but is now unable to do so again. Causes may include health changes, age, or complications from previous pregnancies.

• Female Factor Infertility

Involves issues with the female partner that affect conception or pregnancy maintenance. Common issues include ovulatory disorders, tubal blockages, uterine conditions, and endometriosis.

• Male Factor Infertility

Relates to problems with the male partner’s sperm, including low sperm count, poor motility, abnormal morphology, or other functional issues.

• Unexplained Infertility

Occurs when no specific cause is found despite thorough testing. Couples with unexplained infertility may still benefit from treatments like IUI or IVF.

To understand the reasons behind infertility, watch this video:

Key takeaways

Infertility can cast a long shadow, but within the embrace of a supportive relationship, it transforms into a journey that can deepen your bond in unexpected ways. 

When you ponder, “What is infertility?” consider it not just a medical challenge, but a profound chapter in your shared story that tests and strengthens your partnership. 

By fostering open communication, seeking supportive networks, and keeping intimacy alive, you and your partner can fortify your connection amid this storm. This path you walk together, hand in hand, is paved with resilience and mutual support. 

Let love and understanding be your guiding lights, inspiring hope and unity as you navigate this chapter together.

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Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. His experiences have taught him that being an honest friend who communicates well and giving importance to self-love can go a long way in maintaining loving relationships. When... Read more he’s not writing or advising people on how to thrive in their relationships, he loves exploring new places with his partner, working out, and pretending that he’s good at cooking exotic stuff. Read less

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