If you’re married for some time now, you might already start feeling the pressure of having children. Most friends, relatives, and family would already start asking why you are taking so long in conceiving.
It might sound okay at first but sooner or later it comes annoying right?
Having children maybe one of the happiest experiences that we can have. Upon seeing your positive test results to thinking of baby names and preparing for the baby’s things brings so much happiness but what if everything stops?
What if you lose the baby? What will happen to your marriage after miscarriage?
The impact of a miscarriage
When the much-awaited baby dies of miscarriage, when all your happiness stops and all your effort are put to waste, how do you start coping up? Losing a child is one of the most painful experiences that a couple would experience.
While we are all different, the effects of miscarriage are indescribable. Some people are strong and some aren’t and the way we deal with losing a child will be different from each other.
Being heartbroken is an understatement. How can you only be heartbroken after you have lost your child?
Different emotions all start to come out from guilt, hate, fear, sorrow, and envy. This is when all the faith that you have is lost and you stop believing about the beauty of life.
All in all, the impact of miscarriage not only to the mother but also to the father of the unborn baby is huge. As they say, the pain just changes you. This is also a turning point to any marriage as it will not only bring extreme heartache but can also lead to divorce.
How it affects the marriage
We all have different emotional styles of coping up and there are no two persons who will grieve the same. This also goes to married couples who have suffered the loss of their unborn child.
The grieving process of the couple can sometimes be really opposite that instead of sharing the pain, they start getting into each other’s nerves.
When one of the partners would want to talk about what had happened while the other refuses to accept the reality and finds a way to divert the issue, this can cause arguments that can lead to blaming and hate. What happens after this? The couple would start to drift away from each other and ultimately may lead to choosing divorce.
How to strengthen marriage after miscarriage
When a couple faces miscarriage it’s unavoidable to have some disagreements and even disconnection from one another but instead of blaming each other and hating one another, you need to make sure that you strengthen your marriage in this hard time.
1. Take some time alone
Odd as it may seem, sometimes, the only thing that you will need is space and some alone time. This will not just avoid conflict but will also allow you to grieve in your own way and your own pace.
Sometimes, constant comfort works but sometimes it only gives way to arguments so just take your time alone.
2. Schedule some time together as well
As important as “me” time, you also need to face this ordeal together sometime. You don’t need to be together every day as the “me time” is also as important but when you’re moving on when you feel that you’re ready to talk and settle, go on dates.
Talk, rekindle the relationship. Don’t let the scar of miscarriage lead your marriage to its end.
3. Respect each other’s way of being attached
People have a different timeline when they are grieving, expect that even your spouse is different. Some mothers can’t move on very soon and can even have problems with indulging in intimacy while others can.
In a few months, they can deal with the loss of their unborn child. Some fathers, though hurting would already be okay in a few months, some remain quiet and distant.
Whoever needs more time to grieve needs respect and support from the other spouse, who don’t force them to feel and be okay just because you already are.
4. Talk and not fight
Another thing to strengthen marriage after miscarriage is to talk and not fight. Don’t blame each other rather; be there to listen to anything that your partner wants to share. No one can better understand him or her better than you.
5. Understand that you are not answerable to anyone
You don’t have to answer all the questions that people will ask you. If you feel that you or your spouse isn’t ready for this, then excuse yourself and leave.
You don’t owe any explanation to anyone especially with the topic of miscarriage.
6. Don’t force intimacy
Miscarriage is also connected to the married couple’s intimacy. Sometimes, it becomes so traumatic to conceive again because of the loss of the unborn child and being intimate with your spouse may only bring back heartache. Do it when you are ready not because it’s your duty. Respect each other.
7. Treasure the memory of your child
Closure is hard but if you have a way to give memory to your child like a painting, a name, or even a place where you can visit your child then this can help with dealing with closure.
8. Don’t hesitate to ask for help
Miscarriage can be traumatic on different levels and can affect you and your spouse in ways that you won’t even imagine. If it’s needed, don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Don’t mind what other people will say because this isn’t their life. If you think professional help is the key into saving your marriage then do it.
We can never be ready with what life will throw at us, longing for a child and then losing them without having the chance to hold them is beyond just hurt — it’s a mix of feelings that can bring down any person.
How you bounce back to life and to your marriage is indeed a challenge. Marriage after miscarriage is prone to breakdown and can even lead to divorce but you have to remember that if you see how much your spouse is trying to help you. Together, it’ll be a lot easier to accept the loss and move on to the future.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.