How to Stop Being Codependent in Your Relationship

David Essel

David Essel, Counselor

Expertise: Counselor

David Essel, M.S. is the best selling author of 9 books, a counselor and master life coach and inspirational speaker whose work is endorsed by celebrities like Jenny McCarthy,... Read more

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Updated: 27 Nov, 2022

Table of Contents

Recognize codependency and learn to communicate openly to grow closer and help each other feel seen.
Ask for help and commit to healing as a couple to deepen trust and connection.
Choose independence over rescue and support each other’s strengths to create safety and deeper intimacy.

Counselor and number one best-selling author says “I was lost in a world of love and codependency.“

Imagine being a counselor, and a life coach, and a number one best-selling author and struggling in relationships yourself. What would you do? How would you handle it?

For the last 29 years, number one best-selling author, counselor and Life Coach David Essel has been helping millions of people from around the world through his one on one work, books, lectures and videos, to explore the meaning and the depth of love in their lives.

But it took a lot of this person‘s own integrity and willingness to ask for help, to understand the difference in his life between love and codependent love. This expert article by David Essel sheds light on how to fix an addicted and codependent relationship.

“Up until 1997, I never really examined the role that Love played in my life, and also maybe even more importantly the role that codependency played in my love relationships.

I was very confident, very cocky when it came to love, and I honestly didn’t think I needed a lot of help. After all I am a counselor and a life coach and have been working in the world of personal growth for 40 years, so who could help teach me anything new?

One of the greatest gifts that I’ve been given over the past 40 years, is having people from all over the world contact me for help. For assistance. For clarity.

But somehow, I didn’t think I needed help, even though my relationships had ended regularly in chaos and drama.

Like many people, I just said that I had been a bad “women picker.“

But the reality? Was much different.

So in 1997, I started working with another counselor, and spent 365 days exploring the world of codependency and love in my own personal relationships, trying to get to the bottom of why I experienced so much chaos and drama in my love life.

The answer, was ready, waiting for me to find it.

At the end of 30 days, my counselor told me that I was one of the most codependent men in love that she had ever met.

I was shocked, bewildered, stunned.

How can I, an author, counselor, Life Coach and professional speaker not know that I have a major issue in relationships called codependency? What I was about to find out not only changed my personal life, but also the way I did my counseling and coaching work as well.

Codependency in relationships is the largest addiction in the world, and I was one of those people who was incredibly codependent in life.

So, how to stop being codependent in your relationship?

First, let’s take a look at some of the signs to see if you, like me , are really codependent in love:

1. We hate confrontation

We run away from serious conflict, when it comes to trying to work through challenges in our love life.

I did this all the time. If I was in a relationship disagreeing with my girlfriend, and we couldn’t come to an understanding, I would shut down, drink more, and in some cases even have an affair to avoid the confrontation and the communication that needed to be done.

Is this you? If it is, and you have the strength to admit it, like me you’re codependent in love.

2. We crave to be needed, wanted, and validated on a regular basis

We crave to be needed, wanted, and validated on a regular basis

The codependent in love, needs to find someone to consistently tell them that they’re beautiful, strong, gorgeous, attractive, smart, I think you get the picture.

We need validation.

The foundation of codependency in love is low self-confidence and low self-esteem.

And I had both, and didn’t even know it.

How about you? Can you do something nice for your partner, and if they don’t overtly thank you, can you be satisfied just because you know you did the right thing?

Or, if you do something nice for your partner, do you demand even if it’s just internally, to yourself, that they should be thanking you over and over again?

The need for constant validation is a form of codependency in love.

3. We often choose people that need to be saved, helped, healed

Especially those of us that work in the personal growth industry, as counselors, Life Coaches, ministers, hair stylists , personal trainers and more, we often choose partners that need our help and it feels great for both of us in the present.

But down the road, the picture is not pretty

We become resentful that our partners may not be living up to our expectations, and they become resentful that we’re putting pressure on them to change. A totally bad situation.

I did this for so many years, I would meet women that were struggling financially, or struggling with their ex-husbands, or struggling with confidence , or struggling with children and here comes David, the counselor, Life Coach and author to the rescue!

When we consistently choose the bad boy, or the struggling girl, we are codependent in love.

For some reason we believe that we have what it takes to help them rise through their challenges and be loved like no one else has ever loved them before.

Do you see yourself in this picture? If you can admit it, you’re on your way to healing.

Since going through my intensive course in 1997, I have radically changed my approach in the world of dating and relationships, so much so that I can see a radically changed David Essel in the mirror.

Instead of looking for women to help, save, rescue, I am now at peace with either being single, or being in a relationship with someone who has their act together.

If you struggle with being single, if you’re not happy being single, if you cannot find happiness being on your own, you are codependent in love.

Focus on codependency recovery

In our newest, mystical romance novel, that was written in the Hawaiian islands called “Angel on a surfboard“, the lead character Sandy Tavish is a relationship expert and writer who travels to these islands for vacation and also to learn more about the keys to deep love.

In the story, he meets a gorgeous woman named Mandi , who just had kicked out another lowlife, worthless boyfriend from her apartment and now she had her eyes on Sandy as “the man of her dreams.“

Because Sandy had done so much personal work on himself, and had shattered his own codependent nature, he was able to resist the attempts of seduction by this gorgeous woman, knowing that she needed to be rescued, healed and saved from her past relationship but he wasn’t going to go down that road again.

Can a codependent relationship be saved?

The answer is a resounding no. Codependency, in love relationships, creates distrust and resentment.

If you need help, and if you see yourself in any of the examples above, reach out to a counselor, minister or Life Coach today and learn as much as you can about this incredibly debilitating addiction in the world of love.

Once you get a taste of what it feels like to be in a healthy, loving, independent relationship, or once you see how healthy it is to be happy and single on your own, you will never go back to codependency in love.

Take it from an expert, from a professional, from a former codependent to now an independent lover, that if I can do it, you can do it.“

David Essel‘s work is highly endorsed by individuals like the late Wayne Dyer, and celebrity Jenny Mccarthy says “David Essel is the new leader of the positive thinking movement.“

He is the author of 10 books , four of which have become number one best sellers.

Marriage.com has verified David as one of the top relationship experts and counselors in the world.

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David Essel Counselor

David Essel, M.S. is the best selling author of 9 books, a counselor and master life coach and inspirational speaker whose work is endorsed by celebrities like Jenny McCarthy,... Read more Wayne Dyer, Kenny Loggins and Mark Victor Hansen. David accepts new clients monthly via Skype and phone sessions from anywhere. Read less

(David Essel is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Fort Myers)