Stress and sadness come in many forms and they can take on a life of their own. Most of us wander through the day on autopilot just to get to the next event, the next meeting, the next appointment or the next family gathering, without pulling out what’s left of our hair. Some of the days are blurred together and a definitive boundary line may not be in sight and the minute details of those otherwise, normal tasks of life seem to disappear without a trace. Sometimes you wonder where along the way you actually disappeared.
Reflection can be a dangerous
Reflection can be a double-edged sword if not handled with care, at the right time and in the right frame of mind. Though you may be able to slide through your workday, you may find yourself not being able to slide through life; especially a life that is riddled with overwhelming episodes of sadness. The worst sadness is the one that lingers, low under the radar, but at least allows you the courtesy of being a functional human.
I see many women in my office that view themselves as pretty good judges of character and some have a common thread. “I never saw it coming!”
If I had a nickel for every time I have heard that statement! Is it true we only see what we are looking for? Maybe sometimes. Is it false that because we don’t see it, it’s not there? Not happening?
Women tend to carry an unfair amount of guilt when they are confronted with something out of the blue, that they never saw coming.
There is no out of the blue!
Once the reflection process happens, those minute details that had been overlooked suddenly become glaring.
“I can tell you what he was wearing the first time I noticed he was looking at another woman in a restaurant…”
“I didn’t realize that account was for the hidden credit cards until….”
“He said he was in meetings those three days…”
This out of the blue mentality is a reaction from the emotional core.
No one wants to think they have missed all the clues that had been dangled in front of their face.
No one wants to feel like they have been a fool. No one wants to think their devotion was not reciprocated. This is a hard pill to swallow for anyone.
Relationship don’t fail out of the blue
Car wrecks happen out of the blue, you get influenza out of the blue, and you may fall and fracture your arm out of the blue.
Relationships don’t deteriorate out of the blue. There are subtle signs along the way, some overt, some covert.
Either way, the signs are there, it’s just a matter of timing when the covert will rear its ugly head. The end result is the conclusion of a long slow death due to what you didn’t see and what you didn’t acknowledge when it was presented to you.
There is a reason we have that old saying “love is blind.”
Carrying the guilt of not seeing the signs serves no purpose and will not help you heal any faster. Healing takes time and only you can judge what that timetable looks like. No one knows your hurt the way you do, no one else is emotionally tied to your situation like you are. So if you are finding yourself in the “out of the blue” moment, here are a few steps to follow for recovery.
1. Do not blame yourself. It serves no purpose and will only foster self-criticism.
2. Finds ways to manage your overwhelming feelings of anger, sadness, depression or anxiety about what the future holds.
3. Accept they have betrayed you. Therefore you do not get to lug around the guilt baggage for someone’s inappropriate actions.
4. Do accept yourself. Remind yourself you have value and worth and avoid the “if I had been a better…” or “if I had done…” Try not to compare yourself. Remember, if it was your spouse’s character to betray you, you could have done everything better and they still would have betrayed you.
5. Find a good therapist to help you through the healing process.
6. Buy a bucket of paint. Paint your favorite room a calming shade of blue.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
More by Tracy Crudup