How to Positively Turn Back Time in Your Marriage?

David Essel

David Essel, Counselor

Expertise: Counselor

David Essel, M.S. is the best selling author of 9 books, a counselor and master life coach and inspirational speaker whose work is endorsed by celebrities like Jenny McCarthy,... Read more

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Updated: 22 Jun, 2023

Table of Contents

Recall what you once loved together to rekindle warmth by picking one activity from your shared history and trying it tonight with open hearts.
Own your part in the friction and cut the blame game by choosing small, kind changes you can make today to show presence and care.
Pause before escalation and disengage from heated messages, replying with a calm, loving note and agreeing to reconnect later to deepen trust.

Is your marriage suffering right now? Have you lost the zip and excitement that you had years ago?

It doesn’t matter if you’ve only been married for six months or 60 years; many people feel stuck in a rut in their marriage. Millions of couples in the United States alone are in an unhappy marriage. And the number one reason for this unhappy state is pointing fingers at your spouse.

“If they would only change. Be nicer. Be more attentive. Be more thoughtful. Be kinder. Our marriage wouldn’t be in this current state of upheaval.”

And the more we point the finger, the deeper the rut begins to form. So instead of doing that, it never has, never will work; look at the four tips below to get that loving feeling back into your relationship.

1. Make a list of things that you did together

Write down a list of the activities you did when you first met your spouse; that was fun. Exciting. Fulfilling. Did you go on dates weekly, but you’re not doing that now? Did you love to go to watch movies together? What about vacations? Are there simple things that you used to do around the house or apartment when you first met that you’ve completely let go of?

This is the first exercise I have my clients do when I work with them one-on-one to start to turn the marriage around. Look at what you used to do that you enjoyed, create the list, and then pick one activity out of that list and try to engage your partner in doing it today.

2. Cut down on your passive-aggressive behavior

What are you currently doing that’s adding to the chaos and drama in your relationship? Are you involved in passive-aggressive behavior? The blame game? Anger? Are you spending more time at work to avoid being with your partner and family? Are you drinking more? Eating more? Smoking more?

When you look in the mirror, and you see that you’re doing one of the above activities to avoid dealing with the current state of your marriage, you can begin to heal it if you stop those activities. Taking ownership for what you’re doing in the marriage that is not working is a crucial step, and when we do this in writing, it becomes apparent that it’s not simply our partner’s fault. We are part of the problem as well.

3. Disengage at the start of an argument

When you begin to see a discussion turning into an argument, disengage. Stop. I work with couples regularly who get into texting wars. Why? Neither one wants the other one to be right. It’s like a competition. We need to win this text war game.

Nonsense! One of the most powerful tactics that you have right now is called disengagement. When you sense that the text messaging is going awry, stop entirely and handle it this way.

“Honey, I see we’re going down the same road and blaming each other, and I am so sorry for being a part of this. I’m going to stop texting right now. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. I will come back in two hours, and let’s see if we can be a little kinder. Thank you so much for understanding. I love you.”

By handling it in the above way, it doesn’t mean your marriage will become better instantly, but you’ve got to stop the insanity. Because you’re reading this article, it is up to you to be the leader in dismantling what has been killing your marriage.

4. Get help

Get help on your own if your partner won’t join you, with a counselor, therapist, minister, or life coach. It’s incredible how many couples that I eventually help turn their marriage around, only one of them will come in, in the beginning. It doesn’t matter who it is, whether it’s the husband or the wife, but someone has to take the chance and open up the door to their partner and ask if they will come together into a session to heal the relationship.

Your partner will often say no. Do not use that as an excuse for you to stay home as well. It amazes me how many relationships we have helped when only one of the partners has come in. Sometimes the other partner never shows up, but the one who arrives can make some considerable changes in the relationship and save the marriage if they’re willing to do the work even on their own.

Relationships are challenging. Let’s face it, throw away the love novels just for a little while and look at the reality of relationships in general. We’re going to have bad days, weeks, months, and maybe even years. But don’t let that stop you from trying your best to turn the relationship around.

I have faith that if you follow the above tips, you will give yourself a good chance of saving your current marriage. And if for some reason in the unfortunate case your marriage does not hold on, you will have learned some valuable tips to bring into your next relationship.”

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David Essel Counselor

David Essel, M.S. is the best selling author of 9 books, a counselor and master life coach and inspirational speaker whose work is endorsed by celebrities like Jenny McCarthy,... Read more Wayne Dyer, Kenny Loggins and Mark Victor Hansen. David accepts new clients monthly via Skype and phone sessions from anywhere. Read less

(David Essel is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Fort Myers)