Ladies, it’s time to get real. Real funny…well, hopefully. Marriage advice can be stale and boring, and marriage, itself, is far from it. It’s wild, crazy, and sometimes downright hilarious if you let yourself be open to it. The following pieces of advice are still accurate, but come wrapped with a little bit of sarcasm and wit. Wield your power at will and watch your marriage change for the better all while you and your husband are laughing.
Decide on dinner. Please
When your husband asks you where you want to go to dinner, try to avoid saying things like “I don’t care”, “wherever you want to”, or “it doesn’t matter to me”. You may have noticed your man get agitated by this response from time to time over the years, and it’s not because they’re upset that you’ve given them free reign over the dinner plans. It’s because they are asking for your opinion and want to eat somewhere that you will enjoy. Most men (including myself) will eat just about anything. The restaurant doesn’t matter because wherever it is, they’re going to find something they like on the menu.
In general, however, our lady counterparts are a bit more choosy in their food choice. We’re offering up the opportunity for you to make a choice so that you’ll be satisfied with your company and your main course.
Rather than playing this little game of “I’ll go anywhere, dear, you choose,” over and over every date night, simplify the process. If he asks you where you’d like to go to eat, give him three options that would be suitable to your tastes. From those restaurants, he can then choose whichever one sounds the best to him. This is a win-win tactic because he is satisfied in giving you the opportunity to choose, and you are satisfied by not having to make the ultimate decision.
If you lean over to your husband and lovingly show him how many likes the picture of you and your dog got on Instagram, don’t be surprised if he’s unimpressed or indifferent to your excitement. As you watch the numbers rise on your favorite pictures and status updates, you may be ignoring the one person that you probably want the most attention from. It will probably be indirect at first, but at some point he may turn to you and say something along the lines of:
“Why don’t you treat my dick like Facebook and show it a little attention?”
Harsh? Sure. But I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be surprised. Hopefully your guy says what he needs to say a little more politely, but maybe decrease that time on Snapchat a touch just in case. I know it’s hard to ignore the interactions you have with people in the digital world, but don’t let them overshadow the potential interactions that are sitting right next to you.
Give and you shall receive
Do you ever find yourself complaining that there is no spark in your love life anymore? If you do, think back to the beginning your marriage, right after the honeymoon phase started to fade. How many times did you slap his hand away or tell him “Not tonight, babe. I’m really tired”? Well, I hate to say it, but that rejection has left some subconscious scars on your man’s ego, and it’s up to you to mend them.
If you want to make your sex life more exciting, make the first move. He may have wanted to act on the very same thing, but is stuck in the shell that your previous rejections created. Give him the benefit of the doubt and rev up his engine by taking charge. Come in the bedroom wearing a wig. Go down on him for no reason (and with no expectation of anything in return). Give and you shall receive. Trust me.
Try to be more nurturing during the “man cold”
Alright, if you don’t know what a “man cold” is, take a minute and Google it. I’ll wait. Alright, great. You’re back. So, as you may have read, when us guys get sick, we tend to go from average health to death bed pretty quickly. I know it may seem pathetic. I know you kind of judge us for it. But take care of us anyway, would ya?
I’d like to say it’s because we’re so tough that we only get brought to our knees by the serious stuff, but we both know I’d be lying. The truth is that you need to just take care of us like our moms used to. This will probably rub some of you the wrong way, but just give us this one. You have your quirks and flaws, just let us pout and whine like kids when we get sick. It also wouldn’t hurt to bring us back to life wearing that nurse costume you wore for halloween back in college. He may spring out of bed faster than you think.
Hope these tips made you giggle a little bit, while also informing you of some things that you can do to keep a smile on your man’s face. Yes, he’s imperfect, but so are you. The more you both keep that top of mind, the better off you’ll be in the long run. Embrace those quirks and leverage them for some well earned laughter. And seriously, decide on something for dinner. Please.