Being the Family Scapegoat: Signs, Causes and How to Cope

Have you noticed that there is someone in the family who gets singled out as the source of any problem when anything happens?

Such an individual might not be at fault, but everyone tends to direct their frustration, aggression, and anger to the person instead of tackling the problem from its root source. This situation is often called the family scapegoat syndrome. 

In this article, you will learn the meaning and signs of being the family scapegoat.

Lori L Ellison’s study titled Scapegoating explains all you need to know about this concept. You will learn how scapegoating occurs in families, friendships, etc. 

Who is a family scapegoat?

A family scapegoat is someone consistently blamed for the problems within the family unit. This individual often bears the brunt of criticism or negative outcomes, making them a convenient target for various issues. 

Characteristics of a family scapegoat can include feeling isolated, misunderstood, and unfairly judged. The scapegoating process not only diverts attention from the real issues needing resolution but also perpetuates a cycle of family scapegoat abuse. 

This abuse can manifest as emotional, psychological, or even physical mistreatment, stemming from the family’s refusal to address the underlying causes of their problems. The scapegoat’s role is deeply ingrained in family dynamics, making it challenging for them and other members to recognize and break this harmful pattern.

5 worrying signs of a family scapegoat

When it comes to being the family scapegoat, it suggests that you would most likely be blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family. 

Sometimes, the scapegoat might be the most sincere and truthful person in the family, but other family members might come together to paint them in the dark light.

Here are some family scapegoat signs:

1. You get punished for telling the truth

One of the ways to tell the characteristics of the family scapegoat is that when they say the truth, they get punished for it. Most times, the family might need to look into the veracity of their claims. 

Instead, they get punished because they are labeled as the source of the problem.

2. You are left out

Another way to identify that you are the family scapegoat is when the family excludes you from conversations, events, etc. They might not see any reason to invite you because you’re not on the same page as them. Interestingly, if you deliberately decide not to be involved, you’ll get blamed.

3. You don’t receive praise

It is typical for the family scapegoat not to get praise or commendations. If they do something good, everyone tends to overlook it because it doesn’t excite them. However, if someone in the family achieves a similar feat, everyone celebrates them.

4. You are blamed for problems in the family

To know when you’re the family scapegoat, observe if you’re regularly blamed when there are shortcomings in the family. Usually, the scapegoat of the family will get blamed when anything goes wrong.

5. You are placed on a different pedestal

When it comes to being the family scapegoat, you get held to a different standard. For instance, if you give an opinion on something, it may be ignored. However, if someone else in the family shares a similar idea, they celebrate the person.

J David Arnold gave an in-depth inquiry into the concept of scapegoating in families. His study titled Family Scapegoating and Adolescent Development contains all you need to know about how it occurs in families. 

5 causes why you are being a family scapegoat

It is important to mention that the family scapegoat is not randomly chosen. Instead, it can be based on factors that might not entirely be their fault. Here are some of the causes of scapegoating in families.

1. Past mistakes

If someone in the family has made mistakes in the past, they are likely to be the family scapegoat, especially if these mistakes are similar. The person might try to atone for their mistakes, but the family might ignore their efforts and still label them scapegoats.

2. Intelligence

Being on both ends of the intelligence spectrum can make someone the family scapegoat. This means that the family might fault someone who is too intelligent or doesn’t have the desired mental capacity.

3. Role of the protector

When someone tries to protect others in the family, they can attract the scapegoat child characteristics. Other family members might pick them as scapegoats because they always try to defend others.

4. Appearance

Sometimes, people become the scapegoat child or adults in their families because of their appearance. For instance, if someone in the family has a different hair color from others, they might be the scapegoat because they might look unrelated to others in the family.

Watch this video to learn what you should understand before you judge someone:

5. Parenting anxiety

When parents experience anxiety while bringing up children, they might inadvertently tag any children as the scapegoat family role, and the label might live with them forever.

How to cope with being a family scapegoat: 7 helpful ways

Being designated as the family scapegoat can be a painful and isolating experience. This role involves bearing the blame for family issues, often leading to significant emotional distress. The scapegoat role in family dynamics is complex and deeply embedded, making it challenging to face and overcome. 

Here are seven helpful ways to address and transform the experience of being a family scapegoat.

1. Recognize the scapegoat role

The first step in coping is acknowledging that you’ve been cast in the scapegoat role in your family. 

Understanding why family scapegoats become lifelong victims can help you begin to see the patterns of behavior and the dynamics that have contributed to your situation. Recognition allows you to separate your identity from the role imposed upon you.

2. Set healthy boundaries

Setting clear and healthy boundaries is essential. It involves communicating your needs and limits to family members and sticking to them, even if it leads to conflict. Establishing boundaries can help protect you from further scapegoat family therapy and abuse, reducing the impact of negative behaviors on your well-being.

3. Seek external support

Finding support outside the family circle, such as friends, support groups, or professional counselors, can provide you with the validation and perspective needed to cope with your situation. External support offers a safe space to express your feelings and receive unbiased advice.

4. Engage in self-reflection

Take time to reflect on your experiences and feelings. Self-reflection can help you understand the impact of the scapegoat role on your self-esteem and relationships. It’s also an opportunity to recognize your strengths and the resilience you’ve developed in coping with challenging family dynamics.

5. Focus on personal growth

Investing in your personal development can help shift the focus from your family’s scapegoating to your own growth and happiness. Pursue interests, hobbies, and goals that bring you joy and fulfillment. Personal growth fosters self-esteem and a sense of accomplishment, counteracting the negative effects of scapegoating.

6. Consider therapy

Scapegoat family therapy can be particularly beneficial. A therapist familiar with family dynamics and scapegoating can offer insights, coping strategies, and emotional support. Therapy provides a space to heal from past traumas and work towards breaking the cycle of being scapegoated.

7. Educate yourself and others

Learning more about the scapegoat role and examples of scapegoating in families can empower you to navigate your situation more effectively. Sharing your knowledge with sympathetic family members or friends can also help them understand your perspective and potentially change the dynamics.

In Patricia Jones’s book Are You the Family Scapegoat, you will learn how to stop being the family scapegoat and find peace in your life. 

FAQs 

Here are the answers to some pressing questions that can help clear your doubts about the various aspects of being a family scapegoat:

• Who is usually the family scapegoat?

There is usually no set standard for who can become the scapegoat in a family. The family scapegoat can be anyone in the family. Such a person is usually singled out when there are problems in the family. Additionally, they tend to bear the burden of a dysfunctional setting.

• Is the scapegoat the strongest?

The scapegoat might not be the strongest in the family, but they are not necessarily the weakest either. The role of a scapegoat can befall anyone within the family dynamics, irrespective of their position, strength, or resilience. 

This designation often has more to do with the family’s dysfunctional patterns than the individual qualities of the scapegoat.

• Can family scapegoating lead to positive outcomes?

While family scapegoating is inherently negative, facing such challenges can lead to positive outcomes for the scapegoat, including personal growth, resilience, and independence. It can motivate the scapegoat to seek healthier relationships and break free from toxic family dynamics, leading to self-discovery and healing.

Escape being the scapegoat

Filling the role of a family scapegoat can be a difficult and often disheartening experience, as attempts to improve the situation may seem unappreciated or outright rejected. 

It’s crucial to recognize the toll this can take on your mental health and to proactively seek support from friends, professionals, or support groups. ‘

For parents finding themselves in the scapegoat position, exploring options like marriage therapy can offer valuable guidance and help in addressing and mitigating the impact of scapegoating dynamics within the family. Remember, prioritizing your well-being and seeking constructive pathways forward is a sign of strength, not defeat.