7 Sexsomnia Symptoms You Shouldn’t Ignore in a Relationship

Ever heard of someone doing intimate things in their sleep—and not remembering a thing the next morning?

Sounds unbelievable, right?

But it happens, and for couples, it can be incredibly confusing. One partner may feel shocked, uncomfortable, or even guilty for waking up in the middle of something they didn’t ask for.

The other?

Completely unaware, maybe even embarrassed or afraid when told what happened. It’s called sexsomnia—a sleep disorder that doesn’t just affect the person experiencing it; it affects the relationship, too. The signs can be subtle, odd, or deeply personal.

And while it’s rare, it’s also very real. If you’re noticing strange patterns or something that just “feels off” when it comes to intimacy during sleep, some of those moments might actually be early sexsomnia symptoms.

• Note

Sexsomnia is a medically recognized sleep disorder, not a choice or character flaw. If you’re feeling confused, hurt, or unsettled by it, your emotions are valid. You don’t have to hide them, justify them, or carry the weight of responsibility for something beyond your control.

What is sexsomnia, and how does it affect relationships?

Sexsomnia is a type of parasomnia—a sleep disorder where a person engages in sexual behaviors while they’re still asleep. That means anything from touching, moaning, or even initiating sex… all without being awake or aware of it.

Most people who experience it have no memory of the episode, which can make things confusing—or even alarming—especially for their partner.

It’s not about desire or consent—it’s about disrupted sleep signals in the brain. And that’s where it can really start to impact emotional closeness.

Here’s how it can affect relationships:

• Creates confusion or emotional distance
• Leads to awkward or painful conversations
• Triggers fear, guilt, or self-doubt in both partners
• Erodes trust if misunderstood or ignored
• Can bring up concerns about consent and boundaries

It’s not always easy to talk about—especially when it happens in the middle of the night, wrapped in silence and shock. But the more you understand what’s going on, the less alone and lost you’ll both feel. Compassion goes a long way here.

7 sexsomnia symptoms you shouldn’t ignore in a relationship

Sexsomnia can be puzzling, intimate, and deeply emotional, especially when it shows up in the middle of a loving relationship. One partner may feel alarmed or disconnected, while the other has no idea that anything even happened.

Recognizing these experiences for what they are can take time, patience, and trust. Let’s gently walk through 7 of the most important sexsomnia symptoms that shouldn’t be brushed aside.

1. Initiating sexual behavior while fully asleep

Among the clearest sexsomnia symptoms is initiating sexual contact while still asleep. A person may begin touching their partner, attempt intercourse, or engage in other sexual acts—yet remain completely unconscious. Their eyes might be open, but their mind isn’t.

It’s not a conscious choice or desire; it’s their brain misfiring during deep sleep. For partners, this can be confusing, surprising, or even scary, especially the first time it happens. Approaching these episodes with calm and curiosity—not blame—can make a big difference.

• If you’re not sure how to handle this…

Gently write down what happened and talk about it in the morning, not right after. Choose a quiet, private time. Stay calm, use “I” statements, and avoid assuming intent. Keeping a journal helps spot patterns.

2. No memory of the episode the next morning

Imagine waking up to learn something intimate happened… but you remember nothing. This isn’t forgetfulness—it’s a real symptom of sexsomnia. The person is usually shocked or embarrassed when told and may even deny it at first.

This gap in memory can create tension or mistrust in a relationship. You might think, “How could they not know?” But that’s exactly what makes this disorder so difficult to grasp—and why memory loss is a major red flag.

• If you’re not sure how to handle this…

Stay patient. Don’t push for details they truly don’t have. Instead, talk about how it made you feel. If this happens more than once, gently suggest keeping a shared sleep log or seeing a sleep specialist together.

3. Sexual moaning, dirty talk, or unusual vocalizations during sleep

Not all sexsomnia symptoms involve touch; some show up in the form of sounds. The person might moan, whisper, or even say sexually suggestive things in their sleep. These moments often seem out of character, especially if they don’t usually talk in their sleep.

It can be unsettling to hear this in the middle of the night, especially if it feels emotionally distant or mechanical. Still, it’s often a sign that something deeper is happening neurologically, not intentionally.

• If you’re not sure how to handle this…

Try recording sleep audio using an app. This gives you both a chance to hear it neutrally. Share gently—never mockingly. Focus on learning, not shaming. A calm tone really matters here.

4. Masturbation or grinding movements in bed

Repeated physical motions like thrusting, grinding, or touching oneself while asleep can be another clear signal. These actions can seem automatic or rhythmic, sometimes lasting a few seconds, other times several minutes.

The person may look awake, but they’re actually caught in a sleep episode. While it may feel awkward or even violating for a partner to witness this, it’s essential to remember it’s involuntary. Sexsomnia signs and symptoms like this are deeply misunderstood but very real.

• If you’re not sure how to handle this…

Avoid reacting harshly in the moment. If it happens again, move slightly away or use a calm cue like calling their name. When you discuss it, focus on your feelings, not just the act. Safety and support matter more than judgment.

5. Sleepwalking with sexual behavior

Sexsomnia sometimes overlaps with sleepwalking. The person might get out of bed, move through the house, and approach their partner—all while asleep. When sexsomnia symptoms appear alongside physical wandering, the risk of confusion, fear, or injury increases.

A partner might feel unsafe or unsure how to respond, especially if they’ve never seen it before. These episodes can look startlingly deliberate, which makes open communication and medical insight even more important.

• If you’re not sure how to handle this…

Make the sleeping area safe—remove sharp edges and dim lights, and consider soft barriers. Keep doors quietly closed. If it happens more than once, gently bring it up and explore scheduling a sleep study with a professional.

6. Disorientation or agitation when suddenly awakened

Waking someone during a sexsomnia episode can be jarring for both people. The sleeper might become confused, startled, or even a little irritable. They often don’t understand what’s happening or why their partner is upset.

It can feel like waking someone mid-nightmare, except there’s a layer of intimacy involved. If this keeps happening, it’s not just sleep disturbance—it’s one of the more emotional sexsomnia symptoms that can strain closeness.

• If you’re not sure how to handle this…

If you need to wake them, do it gently—use a soft voice or gentle touch on the shoulder. Later, talk about how the reaction made you feel. Don’t frame it as a flaw—frame it as something you want to understand together.

7. Emotional distance or confusion in the relationship

Over time, unaddressed episodes can lead to emotional gaps. One partner might feel hurt or rejected, while the other might feel ashamed, anxious, or scared of being misunderstood. Conversations start to feel heavier, and trust may quietly erode.

If emotional tension seems to grow around nighttime intimacy or unexplained behaviors, it may be time to consider whether sexsomnia symptoms are at play—and take steps toward support and understanding.

• If you’re not sure how to handle this…

Start with a “we” approach: “We’ve both been feeling off lately.” Suggest seeing a couple’s counselor or reading about parasomnias together. Focus on teamwork. Understanding the disorder together can bring healing and even strengthen your bond.

Why these symptoms can be misunderstood in relationships

Sexsomnia can feel like a secret neither partner is meant to keep. One person acts without knowing, and the other feels affected but unsure how to speak up. The line between intention and unconscious behavior gets blurry… and that’s where misunderstandings often begin.

It might look like rejection, cheating, or emotional distance—but it’s really something happening deep in the brain, not the heart. Without open conversation or understanding, these episodes can spark confusion, hurt, or even shame.

Sadly, what’s medical might start to feel personal, when it isn’t meant to be at all.

Can sexsomnia be treated or managed as a couple?

Sexsomnia can absolutely be managed, especially when both partners are willing to approach it with 

honesty, patience, and care. While there’s no single solution, small steps taken together can build trust and ease the emotional weight. It’s not just about stopping the episodes—it’s about feeling safe, seen, and supported along the way.

1. Talk about it without blame

Start with an open-hearted conversation. Choose a quiet time, not right after an episode. Use gentle words—like “I felt confused” instead of “You did this.” Staying calm and kind helps create safety, especially around something so intimate and hard to explain.

• How to initiate

Say something like, “Can we talk about something I’ve been trying to understand better?” or “I noticed something in your sleep, and it’s been on my mind.” Keep your voice soft, your body language open, and your intention clear—connection, not confrontation.

2. Keep a shared sleep log

Tracking patterns together can help you both feel involved and aware. Note when episodes happen, what preceded them—like stress, alcohol, or lack of sleep—and how you each felt. This not only gives clarity but also helps both partners feel less helpless.

• How to initiate

Offer it as a small team project: “Would it help if we started noting down anything we remember about the night?” Keep it light—use a note app or a simple journal by the bed. It’s not about being clinical; it’s about staying connected.

3. Talk to a sleep specialist

A licensed sleep doctor or neurologist can guide you through diagnosis and treatment options. Sleep studies, therapy, or medication might be recommended. The important thing is that you don’t have to figure it all out on your own.

• How to initiate

Suggest it gently and with care: “Would you feel okay talking to someone who understands sleep disorders better than we do?” Offer to go together or help find options online. Frame it as support, not a fix—it’s about getting answers, not blame.

4. Set gentle nighttime boundaries

Creating soft physical boundaries—like separate blankets or a small barrier—can help reduce accidental intimacy during episodes. This isn’t about pushing each other away; it’s about giving both people room to feel safe while working through the symptoms.

• How to initiate

Say something like, “Would it be okay if we tried sleeping with some extra space just for a little while?” Reassure them it’s not permanent or emotional distance—it’s comfort-focused. You can even add humor or make it cozy—separate but still connected.

Watch this video to learn gentle, healthy boundary-setting with expert therapist Jess Miller:

5. Support each other emotionally

Sexsomnia can feel isolating for both partners. One might feel ashamed; the other, confused or hurt. Simple reassurances—”I’m here,” “We’ll figure this out”—can mean everything. Emotional support can be just as healing as any medical treatment.

• How to initiate

Reach out with something soft and sincere: “I know this isn’t easy for either of us, but I love that we’re talking about it.” Small check-ins help too—”Are you okay with how things are going?” A little tenderness goes a long way.

Protecting love through awareness

Every relationship has its challenges—some we expect, others take us by surprise in the quiet of the night. Sexsomnia symptoms might feel strange, unsettling, or even a little scary at first… but they don’t have to define your connection.

When you respond with compassion instead of confusion and curiosity instead of fear, something beautiful happens—you protect not just your peace but each other’s hearts.

No one has to go through this alone or in silence. Love can absolutely survive this—with awareness, honesty, and a gentle willingness to face the unknown side by side. You’re allowed to feel and still move forward.