An Important Caveat of Marriage Communication – Ask, Never Assume
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Updated: 9 Aug, 2019
When life presents us with competing priorities and obligations, the effectiveness of communication in marriage tends to be the first aspect of the relationships that are impacted.
In an effort to save time and juggle many things, we naturally rely on what is implied rather than expressed when it comes to our partner. This can lead to misunderstandings and tremendous loss of energy.
How many times have you played something in your mind and imagined an outcome?
An assumption is a mental and emotional gamble that often ends up cleaning out your emotional currency.
An assumption is a result of pure neglect
It’s a response to a lack of clarity, answers, transparent communication or perhaps, pure neglect. Neither of those, are components of a conscious relationship, one that honors the space between wonder and answers.
An assumption is generally a formed opinion based on limited information about a curiosity left unanswered. When you assume, you’re drawing out a conclusion that can be heavily impacted by your own emotional, physical, and mental state.
You convince yourself that they can trust your intuition (gut-feeling) stemming predominantly from your past experiences.
Assumptions fuel a sense of disconnect between partners
The common belief seems to be that preparing the mind for a negative outcome will somehow protect us from getting hurt or even give us the upper hand.
Assumptions fuel a sense of disconnect between all parties involved. Now, assumptions can be positive or negative. But for the most part, the mind will assume the unwanted more than wanted, to create a safer space in the case of danger or pain.
Although it is within human nature to make presumptions from time to time, when it comes to the dynamic of marriage and long-term relationships, it can be lead to resentment and frustrations leaving both parties feeling misunderstood.
Here are a few examples of common assumptions made between couples that lead to frustration:
“I assumed you were going to pick up the kids.”, “I assumed you would want to go out tonight.” “I assumed you heard me.”, “I assumed you’d bring me flowers since you missed our anniversary.”, “I assumed you knew I wasn’t going to make it to dinner.”, etc.
Now, let’s take a look at what we can replace assumptions with.
Lay down the communication bridge
The first place you’d want to rely on is your courage to ask questions. It’s simply mind-boggling how many times the simple act of asking has been neglected and dismissed because the human mind is busy constructing a series of events that are hurtful and ill-intended in an effort to go into the protective mode.
By asking we lay down the communication bridge, especially, when it’s not emotionally charged leading to the exchange of information.
It is the hallmark of intelligence, self-respect, and inner confidence to be receptive to information that your partner provides to make an aware decision about any situation. So how we go about asking questions or cultivating the patience to wait for the answers?
Social conditioning is a big factor in people making assumptions about their partner’s intention or behavior.
The mind is energy being influenced daily by subjective perceptions, attitudes, feelings, and interpersonal relationships.
Therefore, it is part of a healthy and ever-evolving marriage, when you can face yourself and take an inventory of your state of mind to ensure your outside influences are not leading the assumptions you may make.
It is crucial in any relationships for individuals to ask themselves first the following seven questions:
- Are the assumptions I make based on my past experiences and what I have seen happen around me?
- What have I heard my close friends say about investigating the unknown?
- What is my current state of being? Am I hungry, angry, lonely and/or tired?
- Do I have a history of letdowns and unmet expectations in my relationships?
- What am I afraid of most in my relationship?
- What kind of standards do I have in my relationship?
- Have I communicated my standards with my partner?
How you answer those questions determine your readiness and willingness to get better starting a different kind of dialogue with your partner and allowing space and time to hear them.
As Voltaire said it best: “It’s not about the answers you give, but the questions you ask.”
It is a sign of a grounded marriage to lay the foundation of trust and open channels between you and your partner.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.
Haleh Gianni is a certified Life and Relationship Coach. She specializes in behavior assessment and evaluation from a scientific and nature-based methodology, helping her clients expand and enhance their awareness of self and their spouse. She is a trainer in an advanced human assessment instrument called The Ultimate Life Tool, sits on the board of advisory at The Y.O.U. Institute as an active board member. Haleh has earned a Master’s Degree in Communication Management and Bachelors of Science in Biochemistry from Georgia State University. Her services are both in-person at her office in Solana Beach, CA and also online through private web-sessions. With Haleh’s extensive experience in Relationship Management & Self Development work, along with the power of The ULT Assessment, you can create a roadmap that works specifically for you. After just one session, you will feel lighter, more relaxed and understood. Her coaching style is practical and real-time.
