Covert Narcissistic Husband: Signs and Ways to Handle

In many relationships, identifying a covert narcissistic husband can be a sensitive task due to the subtle and often misleading nature of their behavior. 

If you find yourself questioning, “Is my husband a covert narcissist?” It’s essential to familiarize yourself with the specific characteristics that define this form of narcissism. 

This article aims to provide a detailed understanding of the signs associated with a covert narcissistic husband, offering clarity into the complex dynamics at play. 

By understanding these key indicators, you can better evaluate your relationship’s health and make informed decisions regarding your future together. 

Continue reading to gain a deeper understanding of whether you might be dealing with the challenges associated with living with a covert narcissist.

Who is a covert narcissistic husband?

If you are married to a covert narcissist, this means that your husband will likely have covert narcissistic personality disorder, or at least exhibit some of the behaviors that are associated with this mental health condition.

The covert aspect of it indicates that he isn’t showing all of these narcissistic signs to everyone, and you may not have even known about these behaviors when you first got together.

Covert vs. overt narcissism

There are slight differences when it comes to covert and overt narcissism. In terms of covert narcissistic traits, these will be something that not everyone will notice and see. 

If you have a covert narcissistic husband, you will likely get to see these traits, but others may find them kind and self-confident.

On the other hand, overt narcissists will show obvious signs to everyone around them. They will likely be able to understand that a person wants to be the most important one in the room.

Refer to the tabular distinction below for a better understanding:

Aspect	Covert Narcissism	Overt Narcissism
Visibility	Traits are hidden and not easily observable by everyone.	Traits are visible and obvious to those around.
Perception	May appear kind and self-confident to outsiders.	Often seen as wanting to be the center of attention.
Self-expression	Subtle, might not openly seek admiration.	Explicit, often demands admiration and attention.
Interactions	Can be secretive or quietly manipulative.	Directly domineering and openly manipulative.
Impact on Others	Others may not immediately recognize their narcissistic traits.	Others quickly notice and are affected by their narcissism.

21 signs of a covert narcissistic husband

At times, it can be difficult to find out if your husband is a covert narcissist or is just being irksome. Here are some of the most obvious signs of a covert narcissistic husband that you may want to pay attention to.

1. He conveniently forgets things

One way that you may become aware that your husband is a narcissist is in the way that he conveniently forgets things. 

It may start small, like he doesn’t show up for dinner, but then it could escalate to him making plans for himself when he knows there is something important that you have going on.

Instead of telling you he doesn’t want to hang out with you or attend the event that is important to you, he will plan something else at the same time, or in some cases, entirely ignore the fact that you had plans. 

Maggie Martinez, LCSW, says

This gives the narcissist an excuse to not follow through with obligations.

This is one of the clues that you have a passive aggressive narcissist husband as well.

2. He always wants attention

Another of the narcissist husband traits you may notice is that he wants attention at all times. He may consider every single thing that happens to him a big deal and need you to offer him up support and help, no matter what he is going through. 

Moreover, he may not even want you to talk to other people when he is around.

3. He can’t take criticism

No matter the situation, your husband won’t be able to take criticism. Even if you remind him to do something or you aren’t really critiquing him in any way, he may become offended and claim you don’t love him or care about him.

Maggie Martinez further adds,

Typically this also looks like the person getting extremely defensive.

This could really make you feel bad about how you are treating your partner, especially if you believe what he says about you. However, you should know that it may not be true just because he says it.

4. He gaslights you

A covert passive aggressive narcissist husband will often gaslight you. This means that they will try to make you feel like you are misinformed or not in your right mind when you bring something up or want to talk to him about his behavior.

For instance, if you say something about how you want to be treated better by him, he may turn around and say that you are imagining that he is treating you disrespectfully and that there is no evidence for this.

5. He feels entitled

In many cases, a narcissist will feel entitled to things. This can show up in a number of different ways. 

They may want to do what they want all the time, they may need the best of everything, like clothes, a car, and a house, or they might expect you to go out of your way to cater to their needs.

Again, if you are unable to meet their expectations, they may gaslight you or say that you don’t care about them.

6. He’s often jealous

Too much jealousy can be one of covert narcissist traits. Since a vulnerable narcissist husband wants to have the best of everything, they may become very jealous of others when they don’t have the things they want. 

Perhaps another employee got the promotion that they wanted; this could cause them to become quite envious of that person and they might also become rather angry.

7. He gets mad a lot

In fact, they may get mad frequently. This may be because they feel like everyone around them should be catering to their needs, and when this doesn’t happen, they will become frustrated.

A narcissist sees themselves as the best and most talented person in the room, so when others do not feel or act this way around them, this could cause angry outbursts.

8. He thinks he’s never at fault

When you have a covert narcissistic husband, you will notice that they are never at fault, especially when you are arguing about something. They are unable to take the blame in any disagreement and they probably don’t think that they do anything wrong either.

This is another situation where they may try to gaslight you and want you to feel like you are imagining things.

9. He won’t make an effort

You have probably heard that it takes the cooperation of both partners to make a relationship work. This is something that can be problematic when you know that my husband is a covert narcissist.

Chances are that they will be unwilling to put an effort into your marriage, or to help you do anything. This may mean that you have to do most of the chores and work at home.

10. He has no empathy

Something else that may be concerning for you is that another of the examples of covert narcissism is that a person has no empathy for the people that care about them. 

This could mean that they don’t mind making you upset, they aren’t concerned about your opinions, and they have no regard for what you may want out of the relationship.

This is something that may make you feel like they don’t care about you and is a classic sign of narcissism.

11. He keeps you from family

Even though he may not want to hang out with you all the time, there’s a good chance that he will frown upon you reaching out to family and close friends, in many instances. 

He may want you to keep paying attention to him and not be too concerned about the support and comfort that you need.

12. He thinks he deserves the best

Have you ever seen someone cry because they didn’t get the present they wanted? This is something similar. A narcissist will become angry or jealous when they don’t get the best of everything. 

There may be money stipulations that keep them from getting the best clothes, house or car, and this will cause them to be upset.

For some people, they may feel like they deserve the best of everything and never work for any of it. They will expect it to be handed to them.

13. He’s mean to you

Is your husband mean to you? This could be because he is a narcissist. He may not be able to have much compassion or love for others, especially if he has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

At the same time, you should try your best not to feel bad about yourself if you are being treated unfairly in your marriage.

14. He helps when it benefits him

Since your partner could experience covert narcissism, this usually indicates that the narcissistic tendencies they exhibit aren’t always obvious. They may be quite nice and helpful when they want to be.

For instance, they may help you with the chores and keep telling you about all the ways they made your life easier, even if they helped you with the smallest tasks.

15. He tries to shame you

When your spouse isn’t getting their way or they become upset, they may try to shame you. They may tell you about things you did, even if they aren’t true, or try to make you feel bad about yourself. This is similar to gaslighting and something that isn’t fair to you.

It is okay for human beings to make mistakes, and you shouldn’t have to feel ashamed when you mess up sometimes, especially if it isn’t a big deal.

16. He undermines your achievements

One of the more insidious covert narcissistic husband traits is the undermining of your personal achievements. 

If your husband constantly dismisses the significance of your successes, attributes them to mere luck, or shifts attention to his own accomplishments, this can erode your self-esteem and distort your perception of reality. 

This behavior serves as a tool for maintaining a facade of superiority and can be particularly damaging, especially when you begin to doubt your own capabilities and achievements due to his persistent belittlement.

17. He isolates you from support systems

Living with a covert narcissistic husband can be incredibly isolating, especially when he systematically attempts to cut you off from your friends, family, or any external support. This form of manipulation is designed to increase your reliance on him, thereby consolidating his control and influence over your life.

This tactic may manifest as continuous disparagement of those close to you, fabricating lies about their intentions, or creating scenarios that make social engagements challenging.

This will become evident when you realize that you are communicating less and less with others.

says Maggie Martinez

The gradual erosion of your social connections and support networks is a significant red flag, indicative of a covertly narcissistic dynamic.

18. He uses guilt as a tool

A covert narcissist husband often uses guilt to control or manipulate his partner. This might involve making you feel guilty for not spending enough time with him or for pursuing your own interests, subtly suggesting that you’re neglecting him or being selfish.

19. He subtly controls your finances

Living with a covert narcissist husband might mean experiencing subtle control over your financial resources. He might criticize your spending, limit access to bank accounts, or make financial decisions without your input, reinforcing dependency.

20. He dismisses your feelings

Whenever you express how you feel, a covert narcissist man might dismiss your emotions as irrational or overreactions. This behavior invalidates your experiences and feelings, making you doubt your own emotions and reality.

21. He never genuinely apologizes

An apology from a covert narcissist spouse, if it ever comes, typically lacks sincerity and is often conditional, blaming you for their behavior. They might say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which shifts the blame to you instead of acknowledging their own actions.

9 ways to handle marriage with a covert narcissistic husband

When you don’t know what to do concerning how to deal with a covert narcissistic husband, there are a few ways to cope for you to think about.

1. Understand what’s going on

Once you suspect that your partner is a narcissist, you should do everything you can to learn more about the condition. Knowing about the traits and signs your husband is a covert narcissist can help you understand your husband’s behavior better.

This may also allow you to not be affected as much when he tries to hurt your feelings or gaslight you.

2. Take care of yourself

You also need to do everything you can to take care of your own health and wellness when you are trying to learn more about how to help a covert narcissist. This includes sleeping and eating properly, and making sure you are exercising.

It may help to stick to a strict schedule for a while, so you can concentrate on your own mental health. You can also talk to friends and family, to ensure that you have a support system by your side.

3. Set rules for the relationship

When you are ready to do so, you should set rules and boundaries for your relationship. If your partner isn’t treating you properly, this is not something that is okay. 

Wondering how to deal with a covert narcissistic husband?

Talk to your spouse about the rules you have for your relationship and if they aren’t willing to follow them, this can let you know that they don’t respect you or are unwilling to compromise.

In other words, this can give you the information you need to determine what you want to do about your relationship.

4. Have your own space

No matter if you decide you want to learn more about how to live with a covert narcissistic husband or you want to consider other options, you need your own space. It can be helpful if this space is in your home. 

This should be an area that you can go into that no one else is able to, so you can take time to practice mindfulness, relax, and unwind when you are feeling stressed or upset.

Having a space of your own where you can stay calm can be beneficial for your health.

5. Talk to a therapist

You can also talk to a therapist when you don’t know what to do about a narcissist husband. A professional will be able to provide you with the information you need to make the best decisions for your life and future.

You may also consider marital counseling, in some instances. This may also be able to alleviate some of the conflict within a marriage. Moreover, if your spouse does have NPD, they may be able to get the individual counseling they need to manage certain symptoms they experience.

6. Educate and empower yourself

Empowering yourself with knowledge and understanding is crucial when dealing with a covert narcissistic husband. Attend workshops, read books, or join online forums and support groups focused on narcissism and psychological health. 

The more you know, the better equipped you will be to handle situations objectively and protect your mental well-being. Educating yourself about narcissism can also help you recognize manipulation tactics and psychological games, enabling you to remain emotionally detached and make rational decisions.

7. Develop a support network

Establishing a strong support network is essential when navigating the challenges of living with a covert narcissistic husband. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups who understand your situation and can offer empathy, advice, and a listening ear. 

This network can provide you with a sense of community and reassurance, reminding you that you are not alone in this struggle. Additionally, having trusted individuals to confide in can help validate your experiences and feelings, which is often undermined by narcissistic behavior.

To learn more about the importance of having a social support system, watch this video:

8. Document behaviors

Keeping a record of instances that exemplify the covert narcissistic traits of your husband can be useful, especially in therapy or potential legal situations. 

Documenting helps validate your experiences and can serve as a personal reminder of the realities you face, which is crucial when dealing with gaslighting and manipulation.

9. Practice assertive communication

Effective communication is vital. Practice stating your needs and feelings clearly and assertively, without aggression. This approach can help you maintain your boundaries and reduce the emotional drain that often comes from interactions with a covert narcissist husband. 

Assertiveness teaches you to express yourself honestly and stand up for your rights while respecting those of others.

FAQs 

Handling a relationship with a covert narcissist husband involves understanding the signs of a covert narcissist husband and adopting strategies to protect your well-being against toxic covert narcissist husband traits. 

Covert narcissists, mental health, and infidelity are complex topics that often interconnect. Let’s explore these questions with brief insights.

• Do covert narcissists love their partners?

Covert narcissists may express love, but their version is often conditional and self-serving, prioritizing their needs over genuine affection. Their love can be more about maintaining an image or fulfilling personal needs rather than true emotional connection and selfless care for their partner.

• Is a narcissistic person mentally ill?

Narcissism can be a trait or a disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is recognized as a mental illness characterized by extreme self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of importance. Not all narcissistic traits indicate a mental illness; they must be severe and persistent for a diagnosis.

• Are narcissists usually cheaters?

Narcissists may be more prone to infidelity due to their need for admiration and lack of empathy. They often seek external validation and may engage in cheating to satisfy their ego and desires. However, not all narcissists cheat; personal values and circumstances also play a role.

Act for your well-being!

It can be difficult to determine if you have a covert narcissist husband or not, since the qualities of a narcissist husband may not be present right away. However, once they show themselves, it can also be hard to determine what to do.

In some cases, you may want to continue in the relationship and other times, you may feel like you aren’t being appreciated and need to seek out other options.

Keep in mind that support is available at any time, so feel free to work with a therapist when you are unsure what to do about your marriage.