Top 8 Divorce Mistakes to Avoid

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the most distressing processes to endure. Although every divorce situation is unique, there are certain common divorce mistakes that people deliberately or inadvertently tend to commit.

Some people hurry to get into a relationship amid the divorce process or as soon as the legal proceedings are over.

However, it is critical to wait a minimum of one year from the actual date of the divorce before getting into a serious relationship with someone else. This allows time for the needed healing and growth.

So, here are a couple of common divorce mistakes that you must take cognizance of and avoid if you are in a similar situation yourself.

1. Plunging into a new relationship too soon

Going through a divorce, everyone feels emotionally beaten up, and self-esteem is at its lowest. Consequently, they are very vulnerable and are likely to get involved with the very first kind person that comes along.

Getting into another relationship on the “rebound” usually leads to a calamity.

This is an example of “jumping from the frying pan into the fire.” So, one of the biggest divorce mistakes to avoid is impulsively plunging into a new relationship

2. Overlooking the mistakes committed in your past relationship

The individual does not take a serious look at his/ her contributions to the marriage breakup. 

If they do not discover what mistakes they made in the marriage, unfortunately, these same unhealthy patterns will persist into the next marriage. 

“If we don’t learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it.”

3. Seeking emotional dependence

If you feel fearful and anxious about being alone, you will be desperate to get into another relationship quickly. 

One of the biggest mistakes when getting a divorce is making an impulsive decision to jump into another relationship and cling to another person.

This kind of emotional dependence is a disaster waiting to happen.

It would be best if you dealt with your fears and insecurities, so you can confidently wait for a future partner who is also healthier and more self-confident.

4. Leaving the hurts in your failed marriage unnoticed

There is a lot of negative emotional baggage in a marriage that ends in divorce. Often, members of the marriage are overwhelmed with emotional wounds from years of deeply hurtful conflicts.

It is so important to address these hurts and to experience healing before getting into another serious relationship.

Harboring grudges and not forgiving is like drinking cleaning fluid and wondering why your stomach hurts.

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5. Falling to the temptation of having an affair

Getting involved with someone while you are still married (having an affair) causes you to become a deceiver, liar, and cheat. Once you saw yourself as an honest person, full of integrity.

Following involvement in an affair, you wake up one day and see someone that you despise!

You are mortified and ashamed to see the person that you’ve become.

And, if you do not wish to look down upon yourself, you must avoid these divorce mistakes.

6. Staying disconnected from the outside world

When individuals go through a divorce, they often feel like a failure. Another commonly observed divorce mistake!

There will be a loss of one’s support system, i.e., family and friends. In an effort for self-protection, they will isolate themselves from social support.

It is essential to stay connected with a strong support network during this critical time in one’s life, for counseling or just for company.

Meeting people in the church, support groups, and having a small community of close friends helps.

7. Failing to observe the intricacies of your previous relationship

Unless you explore, understand, and address why you were attracted to your former spouse, lo, and behold, you will find someone new with many of the same characteristics. 

The names and faces have changed, but the relationship patterns will continue… and the beat goes on.”

8. Beginning a new relationship on the foundation of infidelity

Having an affair starts the new relationship on a very shaky foundation.

Both parties in the affair will feel anxious and, on some level, question, “If this relationship was built on unfaithfulness, will this happen to me too?”

This is not a good sign for your future happiness.

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Larry L. French Marriage & Family Therapist

Seeing couples heal from their painful relationships is one of the most rewarding parts of my daily interaction with my clients.  In the past few years I completed Level III of the Gottman's training.  With the combination of years of counseling experience and the remarkably effective... Read more Gottman research findings, I see healing even in couples that have nearly given up.  Another population is working with blended families.  My wife and I have four children, including two step-daughters and have found firsthand how complicated (and how rewarding) step-families are.  I also work with individuals suffering from anxiety and depressive disorders; this includes PTSD and OCD complications.  Continuing education is a regular part of my professional development to learn the newest and most effective treatment.  I have worked extensively with addiction, from alcohol and drugs to the complex and heartbreaking consequences of sexual addiction.    At seventeen years old, I signed up to go into the military; the US Coast Guard.  It's hard to put into words how important these 4 years were in my development as a young man.  I was an electronic technician and radioman on search and rescue flights out of Miami, Florida.  I feel so honored to have served our country in this capacity.  This experience helps me to better relate and understand the stressors that other military families are facing and how to be supportive of them in the counseling process.   Another area of advanced training in Marriage and Family Counseling was when I went through the rigorous supervision & evaluation to become an Approved Supervisor with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.  I was also a Field Practicum Supervisor at the University of Virginia.  I am licensed in the Commonwealth of Virginia as a Professional Counselor and as a Marriage and Family Therapist.  I am a Clinical Fellow with the AAMFT and continue to provide supervision for counselors in the Commonwealth of Virginia.   In March 2020, we started providing video conferencing; also called telehealth. With the use of confidential webcams systems, we are able to provide counseling throughout the state of Virginia.  We have a group of Christian counselors that provide a professional relationship, accountability and collegial case reviews when needed.  We approach our counseling from an "evidence based" understanding of effective treatment; with Christian "faith based" integration to our counseling.   I completed my Masters Degree (Masters of Marriage, Family and Child Counseling) at Azusa Pacific University (California Family Study Center in Los Angeles).  I was in private practice in the Los Angeles area for eight years before moving to Charlottesville, VA. My training in family systems and many years of clinical and supervisory experience shapes my cognitive behavior approach to counseling.   I enjoy working with individuals as well as with couples and families. You can reach me, Larry French, check us out at www.VCFR.us Read less

(Larry L. is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Charlottesville)

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