Having a Crush on Someone While in a Relationship: Things to Know

Did you know that a significant number of people in committed relationships experience having a crush on someone else? 

This statistic may come as a surprise, but it highlights a common and often unspoken aspect of romantic life: when you have a crush on someone outside your committed relationship. It’s a scenario that many find themselves in, yet it’s rarely discussed openly.

 This phenomenon raises several questions and emotions, from guilt and confusion to curiosity about what these feelings mean. 

Understanding the nature of these crushes, why they happen, and how to handle them is crucial for anyone who finds themselves having a crush on someone while in a relationship. It’s a topic that touches on the complexities of human emotions and the dynamics of romantic relationships.

What is a crush?

A crush is typically defined as a sudden and intense infatuation with someone, often someone you don’t know very well. It’s characterized by a strong attraction and fantasies about a potential relationship with the person. Crushes can happen suddenly and can feel overwhelming, and they often involve idealizing the person. 

Developing feelings for someone else while in a relationship or otherwise, commonly referred to as a crush, is a normal human experience. These feelings can be purely physical, deeply emotional, or a mix of both. 

5 possible reasons why people have crushes while in a relationship

Having a crush on someone while in a relationship is a common experience, often stirring a mix of emotions and leading to the question of what to do if you have a crush. Here are five possible reasons why people find themselves having a crush on someone while in a relationship:

1. Seeking novelty and excitement

Long-term relationships can sometimes fall into predictable routines. Having a crush on someone while in a relationship can represent a longing for novelty and excitement, the thrill of something new and unknown. 

It’s not necessarily about lacking something in the current relationship but rather about the human tendency to be intrigued by new experiences.

2. Unmet emotional needs

Sometimes, having a crush on someone while in a relationship can develop when there are unmet emotional needs in the current relationship.

According to Christiana Njoku, LPC:

It is necessary for couples to communicate their needs to each other, as this will help their significant other in discovering how to better meet these needs.

This doesn’t always mean that the relationship is flawed; rather, it might indicate areas that require more attention or communication. The crush might embody qualities or provide attention that the person feels is missing in their primary relationship.

3. Physical attraction and biological factors

Pure physical attraction can also lead to having a crush on someone while in a relationship. Humans are biologically wired to respond to physical stimuli. Sometimes, this response can manifest as a crush, independent of emotional or relationship satisfaction.

4. Idealization

Crushes often involve a significant amount of idealization. When you have a crush on someone while in a relationship, you might be projecting your desires and ideals onto this new person, seeing them as a ‘perfect’ figure who embodies all the traits you find desirable. 

This idealization is often more about the fantasy than the reality of the person.

5. Personal growth and change

As individuals grow and change, their needs and desires can also evolve. Having a crush on someone while in a relationship might reflect these changing aspects of one’s personality or unexplored parts of their identity. 

It can be a subconscious way of exploring different facets of oneself through the lens of attraction to another person.

Should you ever tell your partner about a crush?

Deciding whether to tell your partner about having feelings for someone else while in a relationship depends on various factors, including the nature of your relationship and the intensity of the crush. 

Transparency and honesty are often key components of a healthy relationship. Sharing your feelings about crushing on someone else while in a relationship can foster trust and open communication. 

However, it’s important to consider your partner’s feelings and the potential impact of this revelation. Research indicates that successful long-term relationships are built on effective communication, mutual respect, and emotional support. 

Therefore, if discussing your crush can contribute positively to these aspects, it might be beneficial to share. However, if it risks unnecessary hurt or misunderstanding, careful consideration is advised.

Christiana Njoku highlights that:

Communication in relationships is important, no doubt, but you need to understand what works in your relationship in order to avoid unnecessary issues that you are not ready to deal with.

Can crushing while in a relationship be a wake-up call?

Having a crush on someone while in a relationship can indeed serve as a wake-up call. It often highlights underlying issues or unmet needs within the current relationship.

Whether it’s a lack of emotional connection, physical satisfaction, or simply the need for personal growth, a crush can signal areas that require attention. It prompts introspection about the current state of the relationship and personal happiness. 

Instead of being seen purely as a threat, it can be an opportunity to reassess and strengthen the existing relationship. Open communication with your partner about these feelings can lead to deeper understanding and improvements in the relationship.

When does having a crush cross the line?

Having a crush while in a relationship is a common and often harmless phenomenon, but there are certain instances where it can cross the line into potentially harmful territory. 

Understanding these boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. Here are five pointers to consider:

• When the crush starts taking up significant emotional space, leading to constant thoughts or fantasies that distract from your current relationship, it’s crossing a line. Emotional investment in someone outside the relationship can create distance between you and your partner.
• If you find yourself hiding interactions with your crush from your partner or lying about the nature of your feelings, it’s a sign that the crush is becoming inappropriate. Honesty is key in any relationship.
• Any form of physical intimacy with a crush, from flirting to more, is a clear boundary that, when crossed, can hurt your relationship and breach trust.
• When the crush leads to neglecting your partner – not spending quality time together, being less communicative, or not being emotionally available – it’s a sign that the crush is impacting your primary relationship.
• If you catch yourself making plans or imagining a future with your crush, it indicates a deeper longing that goes beyond a simple infatuation and can be damaging to your current relationship.

Popular American personalities Kimberly Caldwell, Cari Champion, Amber Stevens West and Steve Harvey agree that crushes are hard to avoid, but there’s also a line you can’t cross. Watch the discussion here:

FAQs

Crushes while in a relationship are a common experience that can bring up many questions. Here are some answers to frequently asked questions, offering insights and advice on navigating these feelings in a relatable and understandable way.

• How common is it to have a crush while in a relationship?

It’s quite common to develop a crush on someone else while in a relationship. These fleeting attractions are natural and can happen to anyone, regardless of how committed they are in their current relationship. It’s a normal part of human social interaction and not necessarily a sign of relationship dissatisfaction.

• Can having a crush on someone else while in a relationship be harmless?

Yes, having a crush while in a relationship can be harmless. It often reflects a simple admiration or fleeting attraction and doesn’t necessarily mean you intend to act on these feelings. The key is how you manage these feelings and ensure they don’t impact your commitment to your partner.

• What are signs that a crush is turning into something more serious?

A crush might be becoming serious if you find yourself constantly thinking about the person, prioritizing them over your partner, or imagining a life with them. Other signs include wanting to spend more time with the crush, emotional withdrawal from your partner, or hiding interactions with the crush.

• How can couples overcome the challenges of having crushes?

Open communication is crucial for couples dealing with crushes. Discussing feelings honestly and respectfully can strengthen trust. It’s important to focus on the reasons you value your relationship and work on any underlying issues. Setting boundaries regarding interactions with the crush can also help in maintaining commitment.

Managing crushes in relationships

It’s important to remember that these feelings, though challenging, can also lead to growth and deeper understanding. 

Looking ahead, recognizing and addressing the reasons behind a crush can strengthen your relationship, fostering greater honesty and intimacy. 

The future of a relationship that navigates these waters successfully is one of enhanced communication, renewed commitment, and a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and desires. Embracing these experiences as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles can pave the way for a more fulfilling and resilient partnership.