Separating during pregnancy is the most unfortunate thing to happen to a woman while being pregnant. Separating from husband while pregnant seems like the end of life with no hope left for anything to look forward to.
When did you take the road to marriage separation? When did marriage problems during pregnancy fester into a relationship breakdown?
It feels like one minute, you’re falling in love and can’t live without each other; then the next minute you can’t stand each other. Throw in pregnancy in the middle and you have quite a sticky situation.
Marriage can be tumultuous on its own, and maybe your marriage was doomed before the pregnancy came about. Or maybe you both thought a baby could save the marriage. No matter if the baby was intentional or not, it’s coming, and it’s a part of both of your lives. The unfortunate part is that neither of you wants to be around your spouse, at least for right now.
Dealing with marriage separation and upheaval at once can be overwhelming. Here are some things to consider on how to deal with separation as you take this journey of separating during pregnancy.
Take care of yourself and your baby
If you are pregnant and separated from your husband, you may feel alone and like you are taking on the world. You may even be sick, or just emotionally distraught. Make sure to pause for a moment.
While coping with separation take care of yourself as much as possible. Rest often, go out and get fresh air, eat well, do things you love, get light exercise, and definitely go to all of your doctor appointments.
While going through a separation, remember that it’s now not just you that you are taking care of—you also have a little baby growing inside of you. Do it for both of you.
Develop hope despite uncertainty
When you’re married and living together, there is some security in that.
You more or less know what to expect, even if things are on the rocks. When you’re divorced and living apart, then there is security in the knowledge that you two are separate and can live your own lives apart from each other. But married while separated? That’s a whole new ballgame. It’s a huge gray area fraught with uncertainty.
The key to surviving after separation during pregnancy is to develop hope despite uncertainty. Because whether you want to or not, you are having a baby, and that baby is coming.
It’s your job to create an environment of hope so your baby can thrive and you can offer it everything it needs.
So you and your husband are separated, and you aren’t sure what that means from one minute to the next. But you can be hopeful that things will turn out ok despite the roller coaster ride you’re going through.
This begs the question, what to do during a separation.
Set up some ground rules
To lessen the amount of uncertainty around separation while pregnant, set up some ground rules with your spouse. Make sure they are in writing so everyone is on the same page and can refer to it if memory gets foggy.
Following separation during pregnancy, cover subjects such as where you will both sleep, arrangements for money, if/when you will see each other, a date in the future when you will “talk” about the relationship, if/when/how you will tell your family and friends, and what will happen if you are still separated when the baby comes.
After separation during pregnancy, figuring out the big stuff will help your day to day life more predictable and take the stress off of both of you.
Gather support elsewhere
Here’s the deal—you’re pregnant and now you’re doing things more or less alone after leaving husband while pregnant.
Maybe you can handle it for a while, but eventually, you’re going to need help. Physical help, emotional help, etc. If you can’t lean on your husband for those things right now, then gather support elsewhere.
Think good thoughts
This may be difficult, especially if you and your spouse are fighting. But try your best to give him the benefit of the doubt. Think good thoughts.
Be as happy as you can. Watch funny movies.
On how to cope with separation, when a negative thought appears, turn it on its head.
On how to handle the separation of marriage, try your best to let go of the past and think about the present moment. That is all you have control over, anyway.
See a therapist
Post-separation during pregnancy, if your spouse will go with you, great—but if not, go alone.
Breaking up during pregnancy is too much for anyone to handle on their own. You need to talk it out with a professional.
After separation from husband, there will be a lot of emotions to deal with, so sort them out with someone you trust to tell you what you need to hear.
Date your spouse
Dealing with a breakup while pregnant is frustrating. But, if you are on any kind of speaking terms, it will be helpful for you and your spouse to connect at a neutral location once a week or so. Set it up like a date, and think of it as a date.
Maybe at this stage of dealing with separation, you are back at the beginning, getting to know each other and rebuilding your relationship. That’s totally fine. But it can’t happen unless you connect.
This is also a great opportunity to talk about the pregnancy and the baby.
Hopefully, he’ll be excited and his excitement will help you with your pregnancy journey. Despite separation during pregnancy, even if you don’t end up in a solid marriage again, you’ll at least be on the same team.
Want to have a happier, healthier marriage?
If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married.