The reality of lying is not really gender specific as the title may suggest. Men and women both lie and essentially for the same reasons. Worse, their behaviors actually end up being catalyst to perpetuating lies of the complementary gender. While men can’t exactly claim from that idea that it is all a woman’s fault that he lies, much of his motivation can be traced back, strangely, to his desire to appease, please or ease the mind of a woman.

More important than why men lie is the severity of the lies and the quality of communications. If a man lies about the great price of a t-shirt he bought online, or the high cost of a special perfume he bought his girl that actually came from a knock-off shop, it is likely just a softening of reality. The desire is just to appear a little bigger than the truth. This is why he will brag to his friends to exaggerate his conquests and at the same time announce to a woman that he has a lack of them to appear more serious about his relationships.

Is it really that bad?

A liar, almost inherently, will be someone who is not entirely pleased with themselves to begin with. Adding #liar seems the more desirable alternative.

Lying itself may not be a horrible thing if the root of it is not ruthless manipulation. The so-called white lie is where telling a lie is done with what amounts to good intent. The moment where lies become a concern is when they become more seriously motivated by fraud or compulsive and malicious motivation. It is the escalation from innocent and harmless to more blatant, bold-faced lies that can permanently fracture the sense of trust in a relationship.

Note that the suggestion here is that there may be an escalation of lying over time. Not every man in every relationship will turn into a chronic liar falsifying a world of hidden deeds. However, they may waver into fabrications, and learn to seek solace in them as easy solutions, or just depend on lying to get what they want. Believe it or not, sometimes it is the woman who coaxes the man into developing the behaviors that lead to lying. This happens when they refuse to believe even the truth and it is easier to falsify a story than to divulge what actually happened.

What is the real cause for lying?

A man who was not a liar before a relationship began can morph into one over simple desire for harmony. Keeping the peace is an eternal desire in most relationships and when a lie seems less harmful than the truth, the truth may be more likely to bend. Once the neutral pathway for lying is created, it is more likely that the lies will be repeated, reused and nurtured. Then the lies are defended with more lies and a perpetual barrier to the truth is erected.

The quality of communications in a relationship can play a significant role in how lying starts, as well as in how and why it perpetuates and matures. Men have a more direct way of navigating in conversation than women, so the pulse of a lie is like pulling the trigger on a gun: it is over in an instant. For women lying is a masquerade or circumlocution, and if they enjoy the game of it and the feeling of manipulation, lies can be buried in catacombs of truth cleverly disguised or hidden below waves of truth that cover up the deception (major or minor).

The curious lesson there is that women will more likely be suspicious of a man because of their expertise in layering. Their nature in simple deception and sugar coating — even if it is passive — creates an atmosphere and precedence. A peculiar solution to the problem of men lying may actually in some cases be to just not make a man practice. The lies that you make him tell instead of accepting the truth may just be leading to the behaviors you prefer to avoid.

What helps?

But all lying is certainly not nurtured. Narcissists in particular will have a predisposition to lying in order to make their life appear better. Pathological and compulsive liars have nurtured their abilities to lie readily and without remorse. The difference between these types of liars and those who are nurtured and developed through time is that the precedent of lying should be evident even in the earlier stages of a relationship, and the repercussions potentially avoided. Learn to recognize traits of narcissism and pathological liars, avoid them in your personal relationships, and make efforts for strong, truthful communication that does not nurture a habit of lies. Controlling what you can may help keep lies at bay.