How Infantilizing Behavior Affects Your Relationship

“Why can’t you just listen to me?” 

“I know what’s best for you.” 

If you’ve ever heard phrases like these from your partner, or perhaps even said them yourself, you might be unintentionally infantilizing your partner. 

Infantilizing your partner refers to treating them as if they are incapable of making their own decisions, often out of a desire to protect or control. While it may start with good intentions, this behavior can hurt the relationship and your partner’s sense of independence. 

In this article, we’ll explore why infantilizing is harmful and how to break free from this toxic pattern.

What does infantilizing your partner mean?

Treating your partner like a child, even though they’re an adult, is what we call infantilizing them. This could look like always making decisions for them, talking to them in a condescending way, or brushing off their feelings as silly. 

Infantilizing someone chips away at their independence, competence, and self-worth. 

Essentially, it turns your relationship into a parent-child dynamic instead of an equal partnership, often leading to resentment and an unhealthy power imbalance.

Why does someone infantilize their partner?

Infantilizing a partner can stem from various emotional or psychological factors. Understanding why it happens is essential to addressing the behavior and cultivating a healthier, more equal relationship. Below are some common reasons that may drive this tendency:

• Desire for control: Some people infantilize their partner to maintain control in the relationship, believing that by dictating decisions or behaviors, they can assert dominance.
• Feeling needed: Infantilizing can stem from a desire to feel important or needed. A partner may want to create a dependency that makes them feel indispensable.
• Insecurity: Individuals who feel insecure may infantilize their partner to elevate their own sense of worth, convincing themselves they are more capable or knowledgeable.
• Cultural or family norms: In some relationships, people are raised in environments where traditional gender roles or power dynamics are ingrained, leading to one partner being treated as inferior or less capable.
• Overprotectiveness: People with a strong desire to protect their partner may infantilize them under the assumption that their partner needs constant guidance or safeguarding, often out of love or fear for their well-being.

5 telltale signs of infantilizing in a relationship

In a relationship, infantilizing behavior can creep in slowly and may be mistaken for caring. However, it can be harmful in the long run, eroding respect and equality between partners. Here are key signs that suggest infantilization is occurring.

1. Constantly making decisions for your partner

When you always make decisions on behalf of your partner without involving them, it signals infantilization. This behavior implies they are incapable of choosing for themselves, leaving them feeling disrespected and dependent rather than equal in the relationship.

• Example: You always pick the restaurant for dinner, decide what movie to watch, or even choose your partner’s outfit for a special event without asking for their input. This prevents them from expressing their preferences or feeling involved in decisions.

2. Talking down to your partner

Using a condescending tone or simplifying everything to the point of treating them like a child is a clear sign. This can make your partner feel inferior and less competent, undermining their sense of self-worth and independence.

• Example: When discussing something important, you use a patronizing tone like, “Let me explain this in simpler terms so you can understand.” This makes your partner feel belittled and as if their thoughts or opinions are less valid.

3. Undermining your partner’s abilities

If you frequently dismiss or downplay your partner’s skills and ideas, you are invalidating their capabilities. This can create feelings of inadequacy, making them believe they aren’t competent enough to handle responsibilities or contribute to the relationship.

• Example: You often say, “You can’t handle this, let me do it for you,” when your partner tries to solve a problem or complete a task, even though they are more than capable of doing it themselves. This discourages them from trying things on their own.

4. Overprotecting your partner

Constantly shielding your partner from challenges or dangers, even when they’re capable of handling them, reflects infantilizing. Overprotecting undermines their ability to grow, causing them to feel incapable and leading to dependency rather than self-sufficiency.

• Example: You prevent your partner from driving in bad weather, even though they are experienced and confident in their ability to handle the situation. By doing this, you’re implying they aren’t capable of managing the risk, even though they can.

5. Expecting your partner to always need you

If you consistently make your partner feel like they can’t live without you, or do everything for them, it creates an unhealthy dependency. This dynamic prevents them from becoming emotionally independent and can make them feel infantilized and powerless in the relationship.

• Example: You frequently say, “You wouldn’t know what to do without me,” or insist on doing everything for your partner, like filling out forms or making important decisions for them. This creates a sense of dependency, leaving your partner feeling incapable of functioning independently.

How does infantilizing impact relationships 

In any relationship, mutual respect and equality are essential for growth and intimacy. However, infantilizing behavior—treating your partner as if they are a child—can lead to significant harm. Here’s a closer look at how infantilism affects relationships in various ways.

• Erosion of self-esteem

When one partner is constantly treated as incapable or inferior, their self-esteem takes a hit. 

 

Over time, an infantilized partner may start doubting their abilities, feeling less confident, and believing that they aren’t good enough for their partner. This can foster an environment of insecurity and self-doubt, as they feel diminished.

• Resentment

The partner being infantilized may grow resentful over time. They might feel powerless, unheard, and trapped in a relationship where they aren’t allowed to make their own decisions, leading to emotional frustration and distance. This resentment can lead to communication breakdowns, further isolating both individuals.

• Power imbalance

Infantilizing creates an uneven power dynamic. One person dominates the relationship by constantly assuming control, while the other is left feeling submissive, unable to express themselves or contribute equally to the partnership. Over time, this imbalance fosters feelings of inequality and injustice.

• Stagnation in growth

When one partner is constantly shielded from making decisions or learning from mistakes, personal growth stagnates. Both individuals miss opportunities to develop and evolve, and the relationship itself fails to mature. Infantilism prevents both people from progressing, hindering the relationship’s potential.

• Loss of intimacy

A relationship based on infantilizing behavior often lacks emotional depth and connection. Without mutual respect and equality, partners are less likely to feel emotionally safe and understood, leading to a decline in intimacy and closeness. Over time, both emotional and physical intimacy suffer.

How to stop infantilizing in love: 7 ways 

Infantilizing a partner can unknowingly harm your relationship, creating a power imbalance and stifling personal growth. It’s essential to address this behavior in order to foster a healthier, more balanced connection. Here are some practical tips to break the habit of infantilism.

1. Practice active listening

Instead of assuming what your partner wants or needs, ask them. Actively listen to their ideas and thoughts, and respect their decisions. This fosters a sense of partnership and ensures both voices are heard equally.

• Actionable step: Set aside dedicated time each day to have an open conversation with your partner where you actively listen. Avoid interrupting, and give them space to express themselves fully. Reflect on what they say and ask follow-up questions to show engagement.

2. Encourage independence

Allow your partner to make their own choices and learn from their mistakes. Offer support, but give them the space to grow as an individual. This helps build confidence and fosters a healthier, more balanced relationship dynamic.

• Actionable step: Identify areas where you typically take over for your partner and consciously step back. For example, if they are handling a project at work or making decisions in the household, trust them to take the lead, offering support only when needed.

3. Respect their autonomy

Give your partner the freedom to handle their own responsibilities. Trust in their abilities and stop taking over tasks they can do on their own. Empowering your partner to take charge of their life reinforces their self-worth and strengthens the relationship.

• Actionable step: Make a list of responsibilities your partner handles and stop taking over tasks that fall under their domain. For instance, if your partner typically handles finances, give them the space to manage it without your interference or constant reminders.

4. Shift your mindset

Instead of seeing your partner as someone who needs help or protection, view them as an equal and capable adult. A shift from an infantilizing mindset to one of mutual respect allows for a deeper, more respectful connection.

• Actionable step: Challenge your internal assumptions about your partner’s capabilities. When you catch yourself thinking they can’t handle something, pause and ask yourself if it’s truly necessary to step in, or if they’re perfectly capable of managing it themselves.

5. Set healthy boundaries

Understand when to offer help and when to let your partner figure things out independently. Setting healthy boundaries ensures that you’re supporting each other without crossing into controlling or infantilizing behaviors.

• Actionable step: Have a conversation with your partner about boundaries that allow for both support and independence. Discuss situations where it’s okay to intervene and where it’s important to step back. For example, offer help during stressful times but avoid overstepping in everyday decisions.

To learn more about how to set healthy boundaries in any relationship, watch this video:

6. Foster mutual respect

Make a conscious effort to treat your partner as an equal. Respect their decisions, abilities, and contributions to the relationship. When both partners feel valued and respected, it creates a more harmonious and fulfilling partnership.

• Actionable step: Regularly affirm your partner’s abilities and contributions. Express gratitude for their efforts, whether it’s in managing tasks or making decisions. Acknowledge their strengths and remind them of their value in the relationship.

7. Work on personal growth together

Encourage your partner’s self-improvement and focus on your own growth as well. When both of you are committed to becoming better individuals, it strengthens the bond and ensures that the relationship is based on mutual support and respect.

• Actionable step: Plan regular check-ins with your partner to discuss both individual and mutual goals. Encourage each other’s growth by taking up activities together, like learning a new skill or engaging in a hobby, that promotes personal development and strengthens the bond.

In a nutshell

If you’ve recognized signs of infantilizing your partner in your relationship, it’s time to take action. Acknowledging this behavior is the first step toward building a healthier, more respectful dynamic.

Infantilizing your partner, even unintentionally, can undermine the trust and equality essential for a thriving relationship. By actively working to change these habits, you’re showing your partner the love and respect they deserve. 

Remember, mutual growth and independence are key. Take the time to foster open communication, encourage autonomy, and seek support when needed, this will not only strengthen your relationship but deepen your emotional connection in the long run.