What Is Conflict Theory & How Does It Affect Relationships?

“Why do we always end up arguing about the same things?” she sighed.
“I don’t know… maybe it’s more than just the dishes,” he replied softly.

Every couple knows that love can feel both warm and challenging; the small sparks that start with chores, money, or plans often carry deeper meaning. 

Sometimes it feels like an endless loop, where emotions run high and understanding slips away. That’s where ideas like conflict theory quietly come in—reminding us that beneath the surface, relationships often reflect struggles over needs, power, and fairness, yet also hold the chance to grow closer.

What is conflict theory in marriage?

Conflict theory in marriage is the idea that many struggles between partners come from differences in needs, resources, or power—like who makes decisions, how money is spent, or how household responsibilities are shared. 

Instead of seeing these as random arguments, it helps explain why certain tensions repeat themselves and why they feel so emotionally charged.

Example: One partner might feel frustrated because they handle most of the childcare while the other works late. The surface argument could be about being “too tired to help,” but underneath, conflict theory in marriage and family reveals it’s really about fairness, recognition, and emotional support.

Please note:

Experiencing conflict doesn’t mean your marriage is broken. Understanding conflict theory can actually help couples pause, step back, and see these struggles as opportunities to talk openly, share the load, and grow stronger together.

5 causes of conflicts in marriage

Conflicts in marriage are natural because two people with different needs, habits, and expectations come together to share a life. While love forms the foundation, disagreements often arise when those needs clash. 

Understanding the common causes can make it easier for couples to address problems with empathy, clarity, and fairness instead of letting them grow into larger issues.

1. Differences in financial priorities

Money is one of the biggest sources of marital tension. Couples may argue about how much to save, spend, or invest, especially if one partner is more cautious while the other enjoys spending.

These disagreements often go deeper than dollars—they touch on security, trust, and control. Without honest conversations, small financial habits can build resentment.

• Example: One partner saves every bonus while the other spends it on vacations, leading to repeated arguments.

2. Unequal division of household chores

When one partner feels they are carrying the bulk of the chores, it creates frustration and feelings of unfairness. Over time, this imbalance can lead to resentment, even if the other person isn’t intentionally avoiding responsibilities.

Shared responsibilities require ongoing negotiation, flexibility, and acknowledgment of effort. Recognizing this early helps prevent repetitive arguments.

• Example: A spouse always manages cooking, cleaning, and laundry while the other rarely steps in, sparking tension.

3. Communication breakdowns

Poor communication often lies at the heart of unresolved conflicts. When partners interrupt, dismiss feelings, or avoid talking altogether, misunderstandings become routine. 

Emotional needs go unheard, which leaves both feeling unseen or unimportant. Healthy marriages thrive on open, respectful conversations, but avoiding tough talks can create silent walls between partners.

• Example: A partner says, “I feel ignored,” but the other responds defensively instead of listening, causing the issue to escalate.

4. Differences in family values or traditions

Couples often come from different family backgrounds, which means their views on parenting, holidays, or traditions may not always align. These differences can become sticking points when partners expect their way to be the “right” one. 

Without compromise, these clashes may fuel bigger emotional rifts. Respecting both perspectives is essential for harmony.

• Example: One partner wants to raise kids with strict rules while the other prefers a more relaxed approach.

5. Struggles over power and control

Every relationship has power dynamics—who makes decisions, whose career takes priority, or who manages family time. When these feel one-sided, frustration builds quickly. 

According to conflict theory, this imbalance is a key cause of conflict in marriage according to the confict theory because unmet needs for fairness and equality resurface through repeated arguments. Recognizing and sharing power strengthens bonds.

• Example: One partner decides where to live and how money is spent without involving the other, leading to ongoing disputes.

How to recognize conflict theory and understand it better

Conflict theory can sound abstract, but in marriage it shows up in very real ways—like repeated arguments, unmet needs, or feelings of unfairness. Here are nine simple steps to help couples notice these patterns and understand them better.

1. Notice the repeating arguments

When the same disagreements return again and again, it signals that something deeper is happening. 

Recognizing repetition is the first step to uncovering underlying issues instead of brushing them off.

• Chapter 1: Emma and Daniel argue about dishes for the third time this week, realizing it’s not just about plates anymore.

2. Look beneath the surface

Surface problems often hide emotional needs—arguments about chores, money, or schedules usually mean something bigger is going on. Learning to look deeper prevents couples from getting stuck in the same cycle.

• Chapter 2: Daniel thinks it’s about a messy kitchen, but Emma admits she feels unappreciated.

3. Identify unmet needs

Conflicts often reveal what each partner is missing—time, attention, or support. Naming these needs makes it easier to work toward solutions without blame.

• Chapter 3: Emma shares that she needs help, while Daniel explains that he needs rest after long workdays.

4. Notice the power balance

Conflict theory in marriage and family explains that struggles often come from unequal control—whether in finances, decisions, or responsibilities. Balance matters as much as love in long-term harmony.

• Chapter 4: Emma manages the home while Daniel makes financial decisions, leaving both feeling stretched in different ways.

5. Pay attention to emotional triggers

Small annoyances often explode because they touch sensitive feelings. Triggers aren’t about the act itself but what it symbolizes.

• Chapter 5: A pair of socks on the floor sparks Emma’s anger, but what she really feels is ignored.

6. Separate surface complaints from root issues

“I’m upset about chores” is the surface. “I feel unsupported” is the root. Recognizing this difference helps couples communicate the real issue.

• Chapter 6: Emma shifts from saying “You never help” to “I feel overwhelmed handling this alone.”

7. Use healthier communication tools

“I” statements and calm tones reduce defensiveness. When couples explain feelings instead of assigning blame, conflicts become easier to resolve.

• Chapter 7: Emma practices saying, “I feel exhausted,” which helps Daniel listen without shutting down.

8. Make small, fair changes

Shifting even one responsibility or decision can ease resentment. Fairness grows through small, steady steps.

• Chapter 8: Daniel agrees to cook twice a week while Emma takes laundry, creating a better balance.

9. Revisit and adjust together

Checking in regularly keeps conflicts from piling up. Reviewing progress helps couples stay connected and grow stronger.

• Chapter 9: Two weeks later, Emma feels lighter and Daniel feels more involved—they see that teamwork is possible.

How to resolve conflicts in marriage: 7 ways

Conflicts in marriage are normal, but how couples handle them can make all the difference. While disagreements may seem overwhelming, they’re actually opportunities to grow closer, build understanding, and strengthen the bond. 

Using practical tools and insights, partners can learn to navigate challenges with compassion, fairness, and teamwork.

1. Listen to understand, not to respond

Active listening is one of the most powerful tools in any relationship. Instead of jumping in to defend yourself, focus on really hearing your partner’s feelings and concerns. 

This builds trust, lowers defensiveness, and helps both partners feel validated. Understanding first often leads to calmer, more respectful solutions.

• Remember: Listening is about creating space, not fixing everything right away.

2. Express feelings with “I” statements

Instead of saying, “You never help me,” try, “I feel overwhelmed when I do all the chores alone.” This small shift prevents blame and keeps the focus on emotions rather than accusations.

Over time, it reduces tension and creates safer conversations where honesty is welcomed.

• Remember: Framing your needs gently makes it easier for your partner to truly hear you.

3. Focus on the real issue, not the symptom

Often, couples fight about surface-level problems—like chores or bills—when the real conflict lies in deeper issues such as fairness, appreciation, or unmet needs. 

By naming the root cause, couples can stop circling the same arguments and start addressing what really matters.

• Remember: Ask yourself, “What is this fight really about?”

4. Share responsibilities fairly

Conflict theory reminds us that struggles often stem from imbalances in power and resources. In marriages, this shows up in how chores, finances, or childcare are divided. 

Rebalancing responsibilities reduces resentment and increases feelings of partnership and equality, which are essential for a healthy, lasting bond.

• Remember: Fairness isn’t about splitting everything 50/50, but about both partners feeling supported.

5. Take a pause when emotions run high

When arguments escalate, it’s often better to pause than to push through. Taking a break to breathe, reflect, or calm down prevents words said in anger from causing deeper wounds. 

Coming back with a clearer head helps couples resolve issues more thoughtfully.

• Remember: Stepping away isn’t avoidance—it’s making space for calmer connection.

Watch this TED Talk by Shannon Pearson, a mediator and conflict resolution expert, who shares how avoiding conflict actually fuels more of it—and suggests courage, curiosity, and humility as keys to resolving tensions. 

6. Agree on small, practical changes

Grand promises rarely stick, but small, realistic changes do. Whether it’s alternating chores, setting aside talk time, or sharing decisions, little adjustments create steady improvements. 

These changes show both partners that progress is possible and that they are willing to meet each other halfway.

• Remember: Small, consistent changes often rebuild trust faster than big gestures.

7. Revisit and reflect as a team

Conflicts aren’t solved in one conversation. Revisiting agreements helps couples stay accountable and adjust when something isn’t working. 

This habit strengthens teamwork and prevents resentment from building up again. As conflict theory in marriage and family shows, balance and fairness require ongoing attention, not one-time fixes.

• Remember: Growth comes from revisiting—not from pretending the conflict is gone.

Strength in struggles

Conflicts in marriage aren’t just about chores, gifts, or daily disagreements—they often reflect deeper needs for balance, fairness, and shared effort as conflict theory reminds us, when one partner feels overburdened and the other disengaged, resentment grows. 

The good news is that these moments can become turning points. By noticing patterns, voicing needs with empathy, and rebalancing responsibilities, couples can transform tension into understanding. Every conflict carries a lesson, and with care, it can bring partners closer rather than push them apart.