7 Telling Signs of Conversational Narcissism & How to Deal

Effective communication is fundamental to building and maintaining healthy relationships. However, this delicate balance can be disrupted by conversational narcissists, individuals who consistently steer interactions to center around themselves. This nuanced form of self-centeredness, often less conspicuous than overt narcissism, has a significant impact on the nature and quality of our dialogues. 

Conversational narcissism is not just about obvious self-aggrandizement; it also manifests in more covert ways, such as subtly shifting conversations to focus on oneself, frequently interrupting others, or showing a lack of empathy towards the conversational partner’s thoughts and feelings. 

This article looks into the intricate aspects of conversational narcissism, examining its origins, identifying its signs, understanding its effects on relationships, and exploring strategies to effectively navigate and address it.

What is conversational narcissism?

Conversational narcissism is a subtle, often overlooked form of self-centeredness in interpersonal communication. It manifests when an individual constantly shifts the focus of conversations to themselves, disregarding the other person’s thoughts, feelings, or contributions. 

Unlike overt narcissism, which is blatant and easy to recognize, conversational narcissism operates covertly. It involves behaviors like habitually redirecting topics to one’s own experiences, interrupting others, and showing minimal interest in what others have to say. 

This type of narcissism undermines the two-way nature of healthy communication, making interactions one-sided rather than mutually engaging and respectful.

What causes conversational narcissism?

Conversational narcissism is a subtle yet impactful form of self-centeredness in communication, often overshadowing genuine dialogue. Its roots are multifaceted, ranging from psychological needs to learned behaviors. 

Understanding these causes is vital for addressing and mitigating the effects of this behavior in interpersonal interactions.

1. Need for attention and validation

Individuals with a deep-seated need for attention and validation may gravitate towards conversational narcissism as a mechanism to fulfill this desire. This need often stems from an underlying sense of inadequacy or a history of not feeling valued. 

In conversations, these individuals might continuously seek affirmation and attention, using the dialogue as a platform to assert their importance or to gain approval from others.

According to Grady Shumway, LMHC:

Understanding the roots of this behavior can foster compassion, but setting boundaries helps ensure your empathy doesn’t come at the cost of your own emotional energy.

2. Learned behavior from influential figures

Conversational narcissists often mirror communication styles they observed in influential figures during their developmental years. If a parent, guardian, or mentor consistently dominated conversations and minimized others’ contributions, this behavior could be internalized as a norm. 

The individual may not realize the imbalance in their conversational style, as it has been ingrained through years of observation and imitation.

3. Insecurity or low self-esteem

Insecurity or low self-esteem is a common underpinning of conversational narcissism. People who feel insecure about their status, abilities, or worth may overcompensate by monopolizing conversations. They often do this to portray themselves in a better light, to overshadow their perceived flaws, or to maintain a sense of control in social settings.

4. Lack of empathy and awareness

A significant factor in conversational narcissism is a lack of empathy and awareness. 

Some individuals may not intuitively understand or value the importance of reciprocal communication. This lack of empathy prevents them from recognizing the need to listen and respond to others appropriately, leading them to focus primarily on their own experiences and viewpoints.

5. Desire for dominance and control

A strong desire for dominance and control can manifest as conversational narcissism. This is especially prevalent in competitive environments where being the most knowledgeable or influential person is highly valued. 

Such individuals may use conversations as a battleground to assert their dominance, often at the expense of collaborative and respectful dialogue.

6. Cultural and social influences

Cultural and social factors can significantly influence the development of conversational narcissism. 

In societies or groups where individual achievements and assertiveness are highly prized, conversational narcissism might be seen as a desirable trait. This cultural conditioning can encourage individuals to prioritize their own narratives over communal dialogue.

7. Emotional defense mechanism

For some, conversational narcissism acts as an emotional defense mechanism. Dominating conversations can be a strategy to avoid vulnerability or to steer clear of topics that are emotionally challenging. 

By controlling the conversation, these individuals protect themselves from having to engage with deeper, more vulnerable aspects of themselves or from facing issues they find uncomfortable.

7 telling signs of conversational narcissism

Conversational narcissism can often be subtle and hard to pinpoint, making it crucial to recognize its signs. This behavior not only disrupts the natural flow of conversation but also impacts relationships negatively. 

Here are seven key signs that indicate the presence of conversational narcissism:

1. Constantly shifting the topic to themselves

A hallmark sign of conversational narcissism is the tendency to redirect the conversation back to oneself, often disregarding the original topic or what the other person is saying. This behavior is not just about sharing experiences but doing so in a way that consistently centers the conversation around themselves, overshadowing others’ contributions. 

An example of conversational narcissism in this context could be a person who always finds a way to turn the discussion back to their own achievements or experiences, irrespective of the initial topic.

2. Interrupting others

Individuals displaying conversational narcissism frequently interrupt others during a conversation. They might cut someone off mid-sentence to bring the focus back to themselves or their interests, demonstrating a lack of respect for the speaker’s turn.

Grady Shumway highlights that:

Interruptions may seem small, but they can erode connections. Modeling patience in conversation can gently encourage more mutual, respectful dialogue.

3. Giving minimal acknowledgment of others’ input

Conversational narcissists often provide little to no response to what others are saying. This lack of acknowledgment can manifest as ignoring comments, not reacting to stories shared by others, or quickly moving on without engaging with the points made by others. 

This is an instance of passive conversational narcissism, where the individual’s self-absorption is exhibited through a lack of active engagement with others’ contributions.

4. Engaging in competitive conversing

Conversations are often seen as a competition to be won rather than an exchange of ideas. They might consistently try to outdo or one-up stories or experiences shared by others, turning the conversation into a platform to showcase their own superiority.

5. Showing a lack of empathy in responses

A distinct lack of empathy or understanding towards others’ feelings or situations is common. Their responses might be devoid of the usual empathetic acknowledgments, instead focusing on how the topic relates back to them.

6. Excessively praising themselves

Frequent and unsolicited self-praise is a common trait. They might often brag about their achievements, skills, or experiences, even when it’s not relevant to the conversation, seeking admiration and validation.

7. Manipulating conversations

Conversational narcissists are adept at manipulating the flow of a conversation to maintain dominance or the upper hand. This can involve using emotional manipulation, changing topics abruptly, or steering conversations in a way that keeps them at the center of attention. 

7 impacts of conversational narcissism on relationships

In the realm of human relationships, communication is the bridge that connects individuals. However, when conversational narcissism enters the picture, this bridge can start to weaken, leading to a host of negative impacts. Understanding these effects is crucial in maintaining healthy, fulfilling relationships.

1. Diminished feeling of being heard and understood

One of the most immediate impacts of conversational narcissism is the diminished feeling of being heard and understood. 

When one party constantly redirects conversations to themselves, it leaves little room for the other person to express their thoughts and feelings. This lack of mutual exchange can lead to feelings of frustration and emotional disconnect. 

Examples of conversational narcissism include interrupting others to steer the conversation back to oneself or ignoring what others are saying to talk about one’s own experiences.

2. Erosion of mutual respect

Mutual respect is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Conversational narcissism, by its very nature, undermines this respect. The narcissist’s tendency to dominate conversations implies a lack of regard for the other person’s opinions and experiences, which can erode the foundational respect that healthy relationships require.

3. Increased conflict and tension

The frustration stemming from unbalanced conversations often leads to increased conflict and tension. The non-narcissistic party may feel undervalued and misunderstood, which can manifest as resentment or anger. This emotional build-up can escalate into frequent arguments and conflicts, further straining the relationship.

4. Loss of emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy is built on a foundation of shared experiences and vulnerability. Conversational narcissism hinders the development of this intimacy, as one party monopolizes conversations and prioritizes their own experiences over shared emotional exchanges. This can lead to a superficial relationship lacking deep emotional connection.

5. Decreased satisfaction and happiness in the relationship

Over time, the cumulative effect of conversational narcissism can lead to decreased satisfaction and happiness within the relationship. The constant struggle to be heard and valued can be exhausting and demoralizing, leading one or both parties to question the viability and fulfillment of the relationship.

6. Potential isolation and loneliness

In severe cases, conversational narcissism can lead to isolation and loneliness, especially for the non-narcissistic party. As their need for a meaningful connection remains unmet, they may begin to withdraw, feeling increasingly isolated within the relationship. This loneliness can extend beyond the relationship, affecting other areas of their life.

7. Hindered personal growth and development

Healthy relationships often encourage personal growth and development. However, the one-sided nature of conversational narcissism can stifle this growth. The non-narcissistic party may find themselves constantly adapting to the narcissist’s needs, neglecting their own personal development and losing opportunities for growth that arise from balanced, reciprocal conversations.

7 ways to deal with conversational narcissism

Dealing with conversational narcissism requires tact and understanding. It’s not just about confronting the behavior but also about fostering an environment that encourages more balanced and empathetic communication. 

Here are seven strategies on how to deal with a conversational narcissist in your interactions.

1. Set clear boundaries

Establishing boundaries is key when handling conversational narcissism. 

It’s important to let the conversational narcissist know, in a respectful and firm manner, when they are dominating the discussion. This could be done by interjecting with phrases like, “I understand your point, but I’d like to finish what I was saying,” to reclaim the conversation space.

2. Practice active listening

Demonstrate active listening and encourage the narcissist to do the same. By showing engagement and attentiveness to what others are saying, you model positive conversational habits. This can subtly guide the narcissist to mirror these behaviors, potentially leading to more balanced exchanges.

3. Provide constructive feedback

Offer feedback in a gentle, constructive manner. It’s important to avoid accusations or confrontational language. Instead, focus on how the behavior makes you feel and the impact it has on the conversation. Phrases like, “I feel unheard when you frequently change the topic to yourself,” can be effective.

4. Avoid reinforcing behavior

Avoid inadvertently encouraging conversational narcissism. This means not excessively praising their self-focused talk or consistently giving them the attention they seek when they dominate discussions. Instead, try to redirect the conversation to involve others or broader topics.

5. Encourage empathy

Nudge the individual towards empathy. This involves gently prompting them to consider others’ feelings and perspectives during conversations. Questions like, “How do you think John felt about that situation?” can help them step outside of their self-focused viewpoint.

6. Seek common ground

Find topics of mutual interest that encourage more equitable conversation. Shared interests can serve as a neutral ground for both parties to contribute equally. This approach can also shift the focus away from the individual’s self-centered tendencies.

To learn more about how to find common ground in a relationship, watch this video:

7. Know when to disengage

Recognize situations where continued engagement with a conversational narcissist is unproductive. Sometimes, the best course of action is to disengage from the conversation politely. This can be a subtle yet effective way of signaling that conversational narcissism is not acceptable without escalating the situation into a conflict.

FAQs

Conversational narcissism is a complex and often misunderstood aspect of interpersonal communication. It raises several questions regarding its nature, changeability, relationship with broader personality disorders, and how to address it effectively. 

Here, we explore some of these questions to gain a clearer understanding of conversational narcissism and its implications.

• Can conversational narcissism be changed?

Conversational narcissism can be changed with conscious effort and self-awareness. It requires the individual to recognize their patterns and actively work on altering them. 

This might involve practicing active listening, seeking feedback, and developing empathy. Long-lasting change often requires consistent effort and, in some cases, guidance from a therapist or counselor skilled in communication issues.

• Is conversational narcissism a form of narcissistic personality disorder?

Conversational narcissism is not a form of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) but can be a characteristic behavior. NPD is a broader, more severe psychological condition defined by persistent patterns of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. 

Conversational narcissism, while self-focused, is typically less pervasive and can occur in individuals without NPD.

• How can I communicate my concerns about conversational narcissism to someone?

Communicating concerns about conversational narcissism requires a delicate approach. Start by expressing your feelings calmly and respectfully, focusing on specific behaviors rather than labeling the person. Use “I” statements, like “I feel unheard when…” to avoid sounding accusatory. Suggest constructive ways to improve communication and express your willingness to help and understand.

• Can I develop conversational narcissism unintentionally?

Yes, one can develop conversational narcissism unintentionally. It often arises from habits formed over time, possibly influenced by one’s social environment or personal experiences. 

A lack of awareness about one’s conversational style or not receiving feedback from others can contribute to inadvertently developing self-centric communication habits. Regular self-reflection and feedback can help in identifying and correcting this behavior.

Summing up

Conversational narcissism can cast a shadow on even the closest connections. But its sting isn’t inevitable. By prioritizing genuine curiosity over one-upmanship, and gently guiding focus toward the other, we can weave tapestries of shared understanding. 

Actively listening, not just waiting to speak, cultivates fertile ground for empathy and connection. Building bridges, not walls, strengthens the pillars of our relationships, one mindful exchange at a time.