The Relationship Cure by John Gottman the co-founder of Gottman Institute is a book based on improving intimate relationships.
In this book, Dr Gottman advises the readers of a practical program in order to respond and share emotional information with each other. The program can be applied in different forms of life and relationship including spousal, business and paternal.
According to him the success of a relationship depends on the transaction of emotional information between the two. This allows for healthy communication and in turn, helps in creating a strong connection between two people.
When people get connected with one another, they start to get along with one another and reach a point in their being where they are more capable of sharing the burdens and joy of their life.
According to research done by Dr. Gottman, the more this takes place, the more satisfying the relationship starts to get. This reduces the chances of two people fighting and having conflicts.
This strategy helps in keeping them engaged and connected with one another. The major reason for a high divorce rate today is the inability of two people to stay engaged and connected.
For a relationship, it is vital that people learn to share with one another and respond to emotions.
How does this program work?
The self-help program designed by Dr. Gottman defines bid as sharing of emotional connection between two people. This concept is vital for good communication and emotional connection.
A bid, as explained by Gottman is a facial expression, a small gesture, the word you say, touch and even the tone of voice.
It is impossible to not communicate like this. Even when you have no expressions on your face and are looking at the ground, or you reach out to touch them, you are communicating without knowing it. The person you are touching will attach meaning to your bid unknowingly.
The next thing Dr Gottman describes is the three different categories in which the response from your bid will fall:
1. The first category is the “turning-toward” response. This includes full eye contact, giving full attention, providing the person with thoughts, opinions, and feelings.
2. The second category is the “turning-away” response. This response is the failure to pay attention to the person’s bid by ignoring them completely, being preoccupied or focusing on some unrelated information.
3. The third category of response is also the most harmful category and is known as the “turning against” response. It consists of critical, contradictory, belligerent and defensive responses.
Now you must be aware of these responses as this is the first of five steps of maintaining and building healthy and emotional relationships.
Here are the further steps:
The second step
The second step in relationship cure is discovering the nature of the brain and how the emotional command system works, physiology.
The command system is often known as the nerve based circuits present in the brain that coordinate with one another via electrochemical signals.
This is responsible for determining certain characteristics of the person beforehand, such as their temperament.
In this book, there are a series of questions present that help in identifying the most dominant command systems of the person and how they work in order to contribute your well-being.
The third step
This step involves the use of survey questions to find your partner’s emotional heritage and how it affects a person’s ability to connect to different styles of bidding.
A perfect example of this would be figuring out specific behavioral patterns of your partner’s family and their transmission through generations and generations.
The fourth step
This step in relationship cure is the development of emotional communication skills. For this you must observe and study the ways in which the body communicates, its meaning, expressing feelings, paying attention, creating an ability to listen and pointing out important rituals.
Some examples of body language can be the starting point for identification.
The fifth step
This is the final and fifth step of relationship cure. It includes learning to identify and find shared meanings with each other. This step includes recognizing the vision and ideas of the other person in order to find a common goal.
It also includes recognizing and respecting their vision and supporting them with their goal.
The Relationship Cure provides the reader with practical advice based on extensive knowledge and clinical experience.
Dr. Gottman aims at helping people realize the simple steps of subtle love and focus on attentive gestures, however; the way you work on your marriage is up to you. Nobody knows the state of your relationship better than you.
So read this book, understand how things work in a relationship and apply it to your relationship.