When Two Halves Don’t Make a Whole

Myla Erwin

Myla Erwin, Pastoral Counselor

Expertise: Pastoral Counselor

Myla Erwin is a Board Certified Biblical and Pastoral Counselor and Advanced Christian Life Coach with a private practice in High Point, NC that focusing on women's issues... Read more

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Updated: 4 Jan, 2023

Table of Contents

Seek wholeness within and treasure solitude as a sacred space, so you invite a partner who adds depth instead of trying to complete you.
No one can complete you arrive in a relationship whole, and let a partner meet you there, bringing support and growth.
Love yourself first build self-esteem, and watch love arrive as a natural, enriching companion who respects your pace.

I used to believe that if I searched long and hard enough, I would find my other half. I bought into the hype that I wasn’t complete without a special someone to fulfill me. Boy, was that a crock. I had gorged on rom-coms and historical novels where the knight on the white horse always showed up just in the knick of time to whisk the damsel in distress away, and on sappy love songs. I thought that one day that would all happen for me. I was determined to make Mr. Wrong into Mr. Right and trust me when I tell you, I am not Dr. Frankenstein. It. Didn’t. Work.

I had to get to the point where I realized that being alone with myself was not the worst thing that could ever happen. That I could end up with worse company than myself; in fact, far too often, I did. I was a lot better company than half the guys I was willing to settle for, and I finally realized that I wasn’t so bad. Sometimes, one plus one can end up totaling a big fat goose egg if we’re not careful, Ladies.

When we stop looking for fulfillment outside of ourselves

A strange thing happens, we make peace with the universe and find that our alone time becomes almost sacred. A bubble bath can become a healing pool; reading a good book can become a Holy Grail. A candlelight dinner for one can become a sensual experience and you will guard these times because they are precious. Once you find someone you actually want to spend time with, you know you won’t have this kind of solitude again, so you cherish it.

As you seek a potential partner, you realize that you can maintain what you have already acquired. You’ve done alright for yourself and are a complete person in your own right. The last thing you need is for someone to come along and subtract from what you already have going on, right? Now, if you meet someone who can add some depth or shading to the picture you’ve already begun to paint for your future, well, that would be lovely. If they bring nothing of value to the table, keep moving forward without them.

Nobody can complete you

I hate to burst anyone’s bubble, but when two halves come together looking to complete one another, you just end up with two fractions. No other person can make you whole; you have to be whole and know it when you enter the relationship and they must know the same thing about themselves. Jesus saves people; we can’t. We can bring out the good in someone else; we can reaffirm people and remind them that there is still value and worth in them when they have stopped believing in themselves, but they must be willing to see it and hold on and grab it. We can’t fix anyone who is so damaged from abuse they have given up on themselves and life and no one can do that for us.

Love yourself

I fully believe that love can cover a multitude of sins and troubles, but one must love and value oneself first. Without a healthy measure of self-love and self-esteem, you will be like a hamster on a wheel; running in circles and getting nowhere. After years of thinking that I was broken and only the love of another could save me, I learned to love and accept myself. It didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t easy because I had believed the lies for such a long time, but one day I woke up and didn’t mind the stillness and the quiet. In fact, I valued the silence and treasured the fact that I could decide what I did and when and had no one to answer to. As the day stretched out before me, I was the captain of my time and it was a welcome acknowledgement.

After a time, I met someone I didn’t mind sharing my time and space with, and as I allowed him into my world, he fit nicely and added color and texture that made my world more vibrant. I hadn’t even realized there’d been anything lacking prior to his arrival, he just fleshed it out nicely and unobtrusively. It was as if he’d always belonged there and I’d been secretly waiting. We’ve been married now for 33 years and while I was whole without him, I’m a much more joyful person with him.

I think that when we stop seeking love and find joy and completeness within ourselves, love comes looking for us. It’s like a slice of pumpkin pie. It’s certainly complete without whipped cream, but my, my, my, that whipped cream on top does make it look and taste so much better! Find your wholeness within yourself and love will wholly find you.

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Myla Erwin Pastoral Counselor

Myla Erwin is a Board Certified Biblical and Pastoral Counselor and Advanced Christian Life Coach with a private practice in High Point, NC that focusing on women's issues and addressing the needs of couples to strengthen marriages and build healthy relationships. A speaker in the Triad on the CBS and... Read more Fox local news affiliates on mental health and suicide rates in her area, Myla has also addressed issues such as homelessness and the faith community's responsibility regarding these issues, as well as what the Bible says about mental health challenges. She has just completed her first book and has two more in the hopper. She and her husband, Robert, have been married for 34 years and have four children, two grandchildren, and a dog and a cat who are struggling to get along. Read less

(Myla Erwin is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in High Point)