Are You in a Textationship or Is It the Real Deal?

Have we really lost the ability to communicate and bond? Is it perhaps simply that we’re evolving with technology? Any relationship can be positive or negative and perhaps it’s too easy to blame technology when things go wrong. Nevertheless, can you truly connect at a deeper level through a textationship? 

What is a textationship?

The short answer is that a textationship is when you connect with someone only by text. You never meet face to face, and you never call each other. 

There are many reasons you might enter into a text relationship. Perhaps you met online, and you live in different time zones? Then again, most people fall into a textationship rather than planning it. This can happen with colleagues or friends of friends as well as romantic partners. 

Essentially, you never take the relationship to the next level. Or do you? 

Some people feel more comfortable with texting, even if they end up in excessive texting relationships. Introverts come to mind but so do millennials in general. In fact, as this study shows, 63% of millennials prefer texts because they’re less disruptive than calls. 

Texting might work well in a work environment or for planning appointments. Can you really send a text message to fix a relationship though? Texts can quickly become inhuman and cold or simply misunderstood. For true intimacy in any relationship, we need human contact. 

Without human contact, you risk finding yourself in a pseudo-relationship. Such relationships aren’t real. Each person tends to have a one-sided conversation without really taking into account the other person’s feelings. 

It’s much easier to share each other’s emotions and to connect deeply when we have in-person contact. We don’t just communicate with words but with our whole body. That part of communication gets cut off in a textationship so we tend to talk about trivial topics. 

Without sharing our beliefs and experiences, we don’t open up and we don’t truly connect. Generally, a textationship allows us to hide behind a mask and not show our true selves. 

Related Reading: Texting in relationships: Texting Types, Affects & Mistakes to avoid

Defining a pseudo-relationship 

Simply put, a pseudo-relationship is a connection with someone else that has no depth. It looks like a relationship but in fact, it’s most likely one-sided or superficial. For example, friends with benefits text everyday but are they really emotionally connected? 

A pseudo-relationship doesn’t have to be a text-only relationship. It can be with work colleagues with whom you only ever offload about work issues. Online connections are the other obvious example. Essentially, you talk without ever being that interested in the other person’s response when in either a pseudo or textationship.  

Text messaging relationships can quickly become pseudo-relationships because they provide a mask. It’s easy to hide behind the screen and not share anything that deep about ourselves. When in a texting relationship, we tend to only want to show our ideal selves. 

When we cut off our feelings and vulnerabilities from relationships, we don’t connect properly. We only connect at a superficial level without talking about our beliefs, feelings, and deeper thoughts. 

A textationship encourages us to hide all those true parts of ourselves because the world expects us to be perfect. Think of how everyone on social media only shares their ideal views of who they want to be. 

On the flip side, some people feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and thoughts when they’re behind a screen. Now that texting is so normal, most of us have experienced some form of intimacy online. At some point, the relationship won’t be able to go any further. 

Although, as this study shows, while face-to-face relationships were of better quality, the difference was less obvious with a long-term textationship. Perhaps it seems that some people find a way to make texting work for their relationships? 

Related Reading: 20 Ways to Improve Communication in a Relationship

Why do people have textationships?

A texting relationship can feel safe for people. After all, it doesn’t matter what you wear. You can also take the time to think before you answer. There’s also the practical aspect of communicating over different time zones. 

Only texting relationships are also a great way to get to know someone before a first date. It can help calm your nerves if you already know something about them. Moreover, you know what they like to talk about which is great for avoiding awkward silences. 

Can you fall for someone over text though? It really depends on how honest they’ve been. We all naturally want to portray our best selves. Moreover, excessive texting relationships can encourage you to stray too far from who you really are. It’s difficult to then recover any small lies.

While a textationship can take away the initial stress of meeting new people, are you really communicating? Most people simply want to broadcast what they have to say but true communication is about listening. 

The more you listen, the more you connect at a deeper emotional level. You tune in to each other’s feelings and thoughts with a deeper understanding and appreciation. It doesn’t mean that you can’t disagree but you can disagree with empathy. 

On the other hand, a text relationship removes all that. You don’t even have to be aware of the other person to send your message. The danger is that your own needs govern your intentions without taking into account the other person’s needs. 

An intimate relationship has open and mindful communication at its core. In fact, communication is one of the pillars of emotional intelligence as defined by psychiatrist Daniel Goleman. You’ll take any relationship to the next level with a more emotionally intelligent communication style. 

To help you, consider how to do listening and conscious in-person communication with the exercises in this video by a communication expert to improve your physical interactions:

3 types of textationship

A text-only relationship can start because of convenience but it can quickly become a pseudo-relationship. Without real personal contact, you miss most of what communication involves including listening and seeking to understand each other’s feelings. 

Check out the 3 types of textationship for a better understanding:

• The casual relationship that never includes sex is the first obvious in the list of only texting relationships. Clearly, you never meet physically but you’re also hiding behind a screen. You only respond when it’s convenient and you keep that distance between you. 
• Another typical textationship is when you met once either at a bar or a conference, for example. You know there’s something there but somehow it fizzles out after some time of texting together. Maybe you need  physical contact to keep the intimacy going after all? Perhaps one of you wasn’t that interested? 
• Sometimes life gets in the way and we fall into a pseudo-relationship. All connections with others take some work and commitment. Text messaging relationships somehow try to circumvent that effort. It can work for some people but generally, when there’s no commitment, connections die out. 

That’s when you might also find yourself in a textationship that will never materialize into anything. If you meet online and don’t act quickly enough to meet, again, things can fizzle out very quickly. 

The best way to avoid any type of textationship is to be direct. Don’t leave things for too long and tell them that you want to meet. If after a few opportunities of failing to meet up, the signal is loud and clear. 

They are just using you for their ulterior motives and have no interest in making the effort. 

Related Reading: Hearing Vs. Listening in Relationships: How Each Impact Mental Health

What are the challenges of textationships?

Misunderstandings and unhealthy behaviors are how texting ruins relationships. Without voice intonations, it can be very difficult to understand someone’s messages. Moreover, we all get lazy when texting and don’t spend the time to truly understand the other person and their intentions. 

Some friends with benefits text everyday. Nevertheless, it can set unhealthy expectations and friends can become overly demanding. On the other hand, they can become passive-aggressive where one person says yes because it’s easier rather than because of any real desire. 

It’s hard to connect with someone emotionally through a tiny screen when in a textationship. We can’t listen to their body language nor can we have a long conversation. Sometimes we simply need to chew things over. The worst part is when someone sends a text message to fix a relationship. 

When you try to fix a relationship, you need to talk about the expectations and any possible hurts that have been committed. An apology by text doesn’t ring quite as true as a sincere apology in person. 

Despite all this, can you fall for someone over text? Interestingly, this study shows that 47% of people were likely to contact their partners again after texting. Although, when the study was originally conducted in person, partners rated a higher level of closeness. 

It seems you can open the door to love with a textationship. True intimacy and connection still need that in-person contact. 

Wrapping up

You might not develop true connection or intimacy when in a textationship. 

The unspoken expectations and the potential for innuendos are how texting ruins relationships. No matter how securely attached a person is, at some point, they will lose confidence if their partner spends more time on social media than with them. 

To avoid falling into the traps of a texting relationship, make sure you set your intentions from the start and ask to meet. This can be through video for long-distance relationships, for example. Regardless, set boundaries for how you communicate via text and talk to each other. 

If in doubt, you can always work with a coach or a therapist to help you understand how to assert yourself and get the communication you deserve. Text messaging is a useful tool but don’t let it take over your life.  

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Anne Duvaux Coach

Anne’s passion and purpose in life are to guide people to find their own path and contentment by learning about themselves. Only then can we build and nurture the deep connections we all deserve to have. With a background in psychology and neuroscience coaching, she has helped countless couples... Read more transform their communication from aggression to assertiveness and appreciation.   She is both an ICF certified coach and mindfulness-certified, while being a counselor in training, meaning that she offers a holistic approach. You can expect to transform your view of yourself, your relationship, and the world by better understanding the habits of your mind and letting go of the unhelpful ones. You have power over your mind but you don’t have to do it alone. Read less

(Anne Duvaux is also listed in Best Marriage Therapists in Naperville)