Maternal Gatekeeping: Examples, Impact & How to Avoid

Maternal gatekeeping is a term that talks about how moms sometimes control or decide how involved dads can be in taking care of their kids. Imagine if a mom thinks she knows the best way to do something for the child and doesn’t let the dad try his way.

 This might be because of beliefs about what moms and dads “should” do or maybe past experiences. It’s like a gate that can either be open, letting dads be more involved, or closed, limiting their role. 

This idea is important because it affects how parents work together and the experiences of the child. Let’s look into why this happens and what it means for families.

What is maternal gatekeeping?

Maternal gatekeeping refers to the behaviors and attitudes of mothers that influence how much fathers participate in childcare and household responsibilities. It’s like a “gate” that a mother can either open, allowing the father to be more involved, or close, limiting his involvement. 

This can be based on a mother’s beliefs about parenting roles, her trust in the father’s abilities, or societal expectations about what moms and dads “should” do. 

For example, a mom might think she knows the best way to feed or bathe the child and might not let the dad do it his way. 

While sometimes it’s done to ensure the child’s well-being, it can also unintentionally reduce the father’s role in parenting. Maternal gatekeeping can shape family dynamics, affecting the relationship between parents and the overall family environment. 

Understanding this concept helps in promoting shared parenting and better teamwork between parents.

Examples of maternal gatekeeping

Maternal gatekeeping can manifest in various ways, both subtle and overt. Here are some maternal gatekeeping examples:

• Making statements like, “Are you sure you can handle the kids on your own?” can discourage fathers from taking initiative. Such remarks can subtly suggest that the father might not be as competent or prepared as the mother, leading him to second-guess his parenting abilities. 

Over time, this can result in fathers becoming less proactive in their children’s care, relying more on the mother’s guidance or intervention.

• Comments such as “Daddy’s trying his best, but Mommy knows better” can undermine the father’s confidence and role. These kinds of statements not only belittle the father’s efforts but also position the mother as the primary or superior caregiver. 

Children hearing these comments might also start to view their father as less capable, affecting their relationship dynamics.

• If a father is changing a diaper or preparing a meal, and the mother steps in saying, “Let me do it; you’re not doing it right,” it can diminish the father’s involvement. 

By constantly correcting or taking over tasks, the mother indirectly communicates that the father’s methods are inferior or incorrect. This can deter fathers from actively participating in future tasks, fearing criticism or believing they might not meet the mother’s standards.

Impact of maternal gatekeeping: 5 aspects to consider

The effects of this gatekeeping behavior can ripple through the family unit, affecting relationships, child development, and even the well-being of the parents themselves. Here are five significant ways maternal gatekeeping impacts families:

1. Strained parental relationships

One of the most immediate impacts of maternal gatekeeping is the strain it places on the relationship between the parents. When one parent feels they are being “gatekept” from participating fully in their child’s life, feelings of resentment, inadequacy, and frustration can arise. 

For the mother, the constant need to monitor and control can lead to feelings of exhaustion and isolation. Over time, this dynamic can erode the foundation of trust and mutual respect in the relationship. 

The term “gatekeeping parenting” encapsulates this dynamic, where one parent’s controlling behavior overshadows the collaborative spirit that’s essential for a healthy co-parenting relationship.

2. Limited father involvement

Maternal gatekeeping can inadvertently reduce the father’s involvement in childcare. When consistently faced with gatekeeping behavior, fathers might retreat from taking initiative, fearing criticism or believing they might not meet the mother’s standards. 

This reduced involvement can have several repercussions. For one, children might miss out on the unique perspectives and experiences fathers bring to parenting. Additionally, fathers themselves can feel alienated, missing out on the joys and challenges of active parenting.

3. Impacted child development

Children thrive best when exposed to diverse caregiving styles and experiences. When a mother is gatekeeping someone, especially the father, from participating actively in the child’s life, it can limit the child’s developmental experiences. 

For instance, if a father’s playful and adventurous parenting style is curtailed due to gatekeeping, the child might miss out on opportunities to develop risk-assessment skills, resilience, or even certain motor skills. Moreover, children model their future relationships based on their parents’ dynamics. 

Witnessing maternal gatekeeping can shape their understanding of gender roles and relationship dynamics, potentially influencing their future partnerships.

4. Emotional well-being of the child

Children are astute observers and can pick up on tensions between their parents. Witnessing the constant gatekeeping behavior can lead to feelings of confusion, guilt, or stress. 

They might feel torn between their parents or even blame themselves for the discord. Over time, this emotional turmoil can manifest in behavioral issues, academic challenges, or strained relationships with peers.

5. Reinforcement of stereotypical gender roles

Maternal gatekeeping, at its core, often stems from societal norms and expectations about gender roles in parenting. When gatekeeping behaviors persist, they inadvertently reinforce the stereotype that mothers are the primary caregivers, naturally more attuned to the child’s needs, while fathers are secondary, less capable caregivers. 

This not only limits fathers from breaking out of traditional roles but also places undue pressure on mothers to be the primary nurturers, caregivers, and household managers. Such reinforcement can perpetuate gender inequalities, not just within the family unit but also in broader societal contexts.

7 ways to avoid maternal gatekeeping

It’s essential to recognize and mitigate its effects for a harmonious family environment and know how to stop maternal gatekeeping. Here are 7 ways to avoid falling into the trap of maternal gatekeeping

1. Open communication

Open dialogue is crucial. Mothers and fathers should have regular conversations about their roles, expectations, and feelings. If a mother feels anxious about a particular aspect of child-rearing, discussing it with the father can lead to understanding and compromise. 

Similarly, fathers should feel empowered to express their feelings if they feel sidelined or undermined.

2. Shared parenting education

Attending parenting classes or workshops together can be beneficial. Not only does it provide both parents with the same set of information and tools, but it also reinforces the idea that both are equally responsible and capable caregivers. 

Shared education can level the playing field, reducing the urge for mothers to gatekeep based on perceived knowledge disparities.

3. Delegate and trust

Delegation is more than just assigning tasks; it’s about entrusting responsibilities. Instead of micromanaging how fathers perform tasks, mothers should trust them to handle responsibilities in their own way. 

Remember, there’s often more than one right way to do things. By delegating and trusting, mothers can resist the urge to control or intervene.

4. Challenge societal norms

Societal expectations can be a significant driver of maternal gatekeeping. Mothers often face external pressures to be the primary caregiver or to parent in a particular way. It’s essential to challenge and question these norms. 

By actively rejecting stereotypical gender roles and embracing a more egalitarian approach to parenting, mothers can reduce the internal and external pressures that lead to gatekeeping.

5. Seek external perspectives

Sometimes, it’s beneficial to get an outside perspective. Whether it’s through counseling, support groups, or even conversations with friends, hearing about others’ experiences can provide valuable insights. 

Others might point out gatekeeping behaviors that you hadn’t recognized or offer strategies that worked for them. An external viewpoint can be a reality check and a source of encouragement for more inclusive parenting.

6. Celebrate shared achievements

Positive reinforcement goes a long way. Instead of focusing on mistakes or differences in parenting styles, celebrate the achievements and milestones you reach as co-parents. 

Whether it’s successfully managing a challenging phase in your child’s life or coordinating schedules seamlessly, acknowledging and celebrating these moments can foster a sense of teamwork. 

Over time, this mutual appreciation can reduce the need for gatekeeping as both parents feel valued and competent.

7. Self-awareness and reflection

The first step in avoiding maternal gatekeeping is recognizing it. Mothers should take time to reflect on their behaviors and attitudes towards their partners. Are you frequently correcting or taking over tasks from the father? 

Do you believe only you know what’s best for the child? By being self-aware and introspective, mothers can identify gatekeeping tendencies and work towards addressing them.

Canadian psychologist and writer Jordan Peterson speak on ‘Overbearing mothers’. Watch the insightful video below:

Commonly asked questions

Here are a few more useful questions and their answers to guide you through the journey of parenthood.

• Why is maternal gatekeeping so dangerous?

Maternal gatekeeping, while often well-intentioned, can pose risks to a child’s upbringing. This behavior can hinder a partner’s involvement in childcare, affecting a child’s access to diverse caregiving experiences, emotional support, and guidance. 

In essence, it limits the child’s opportunity for holistic development and balanced relationships.

• How can maternal gatekeeping impact a child’s upbringing?

Maternal gatekeeping, when excessive, can limit a child’s exposure to different parenting styles and perspectives. This could lead to an overreliance on the mother, potentially stunting the child’s emotional growth and resilience. 

The child may struggle to develop a strong bond with the non-gatekeeping parent, which can affect their self-esteem, social skills, and overall well-being.

• Can maternal gatekeeping be unintentional?

Yes, maternal gatekeeping can be unintentional. Mothers may engage in gatekeeping out of a genuine desire to ensure their child’s well-being, believing that they are best suited for the role. 

However, this often stems from societal norms and expectations rather than a deliberate intention to hinder the other parent’s involvement. Recognizing unintentional gatekeeping is a crucial step toward fostering a more equitable parenting environment.

• Why do mothers engage in maternal gatekeeping?

Mothers engage in maternal gatekeeping due to a combination of societal expectations, personal beliefs about parenting roles, and concerns for their child’s well-being. Often, they may feel that they are better equipped or more knowledgeable in child-rearing, leading to controlling behaviors towards the father’s involvement.

• What is the role of the gatekeeper in parenting?

Elaborating on gatekeeping meaning in relationships and families, the role of the gatekeeper in parenting is to control or influence the involvement of the other parent in child-rearing tasks. 

This can either facilitate collaboration and shared responsibilities or restrict and limit the other parent’s participation, shaping the dynamics of the family unit.

Getting rid of the gatekeeping

Maternal gatekeeping, while often rooted in genuine concerns or societal conditioning, can have profound implications for family dynamics. It’s essential for families to recognize and address these behaviors to foster a more inclusive and harmonious parenting environment. 

By understanding the nuances of gatekeeping and promoting open communication and collaboration, families can ensure that both parents actively contribute to their child’s upbringing, enriching the child’s life with diverse caregiving experiences.