- Carol Royce asked I have heard many people saying that they regret their decision of getting divorced. I wonder why do they think so. Taking divorce is a mutual decision but why do many people regret it later? Why don’t they be more mindful about their married life and related problems? Could somebody tell me the reasons why people regret their decision of getting divorced later in their lives?
- Carol Royce answered Hey, You must act with discretion and not out of impulse. Make a wise judgment call, weighing the pros and cons of ending the marriage with your partner of 8 years and its effect on your child’s overall well being and future. If an open-ended dialogue with your wife hasn’t already helped you both to fix the dent in your relationship, seek outside help. An expert, unbiased mediator in form of a marriage counselor is your best bet at resolving marital conflict. A marriage therapist can put the conflicting issues in your marriage, in the right perspective for both of you. In all likelihood, what now seems like irreconcilable differences could well be flipped around into a ground for some work that helps build a better compatibility and salvages this relationship. If at all, the marriage is heading to a separation, a marriage counselor can help mitigate the pain of the loss and equip you with the right coping strategies to navigate through a broken marriage and manage the collateral damage it bears on your child.
- Carol Royce answered Hi, It’s only fair that you should share your opinion about your level of comfort about things like these with her. But it’s completely fine if she’s not yet in a place where she can wrap her head around your idea of appropriate dressing. Believe me, it’s not your blame to take. Also, if in your relationship you have checkmarked all other areas concerning love, affection, trust, compatibility and shared values and beliefs, it’s an easy route to take, to just let go of this one pet peeve. If you keep throwing diktats on what to wear and what not to, she might just resort to funny mechanisms to wear provocative clothes, nonetheless, when she doesn’t find you prying on her. The best thing to do would be to occasionally sound her about your concern for her safety and discomfort at having other men ogle at her, distastefully. But, do that in the most calm and composed way, without sounding pushy or judgy. People don’t change. You do not have to kowtow to her idea of what’s appropriate and what’s provocative. But choose to follow the ‘live and let live’ maxim. You can only vocalize your concern in a dignified manner. Crossing the threshold of grace and dignity in your choice of words will only escalate the discord to a bigger rift.
- Carol Royce answered Hi, I hope everything is okay with you. I understand it happened once, accidentally but now it’s up to you whether you want to do it again or not. It’s good that you are concerned about the happiness of your spouse-to-be but sharing him in bed with someone else so close your wedding sounds a little awkward to me as well. It’s okay that your husband has fantasies like these but fulfilling them just for the sake of his happiness is not good. There are many other ways to satisfy his sexual pleasure. I can only suggest you that if you are comfortable in having a threesome again, only then you should agree to it. The other way around is to openly discuss with him that you are no longer comfortable with any such sexual activity as you see him now as your future spouse. Take your decision by calculating each and everything. This is not something that you can keep doing for life to keep him happy. On an advisory note, I believe, these issues never seem to end well. I know some people can do this and keep a marriage going. But most cannot. You should sit together and look for a solution to resolve this issue. You can also seek the help of a counselor for professional advice.
- Carol Royce answered Taking a divorce is the most heartbreaking and challenging decision to make. It is easier for people who get a divorce early in life to move on but tough for those who have kids. It’s not that every marriage is a happy marriage. Some are bad, where divorce is inevitable. Here are some of the critical reasons to take the final call of breakup/ divorce. https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/ When your thoughts don’t match: It’s essential for both the husband and the wife to walk on the same path to reach a decent level of mutual understanding. Generally, when both the partners have different views about life, a divorce become inevitable Expectations: Every husband or wife has some expectations from each other, and when they don’t get fulfilled, it turns into disappointment and leads to fight/disputes. In a situation like such, the relationship is the one which suffers. When things go beyond control, divorce becomes the only way out. Wrong choice of words (poor communication): Wrong choice of words is what leads to fighting in many cases. A loud argument can also eat up a relationship. T Insecurity: This has nowadays become the most common reason for divorce. Jealousy is one such factor which leads to the birth of uncertainty in a relationship. In the present scenario where social media is extremely accessible, being social creates trouble in relationships. One should develop mutual trust, loyalty between each other to avoid insecurities between each other.
- Carol Royce answered Though I have heard quite a few of them, I find these as the most hilarious and awkward reasons for a break up: The bad call: It was when a guy belonging to a well-off family made just a silly mistake during his date and regretted it later. Both were having a sumptuous lunch together until the guy whistled to call the waiter. The girl never approached him again! Oops! Poor guy! Low maintenance:It becomes essential to maintain a good level of hygiene, especially, when you are at a public place. A couple was walking hand-in-hand, and soon the guy noticed her nails peeping out of her ballerina. Her nails were so sharp and long that they were scratching on the ground. And, the guy regretted walking next to her. That was their first and the last meet. Baby steps, not accepted: They both had lunch that day and walked out of the restaurant soon. It was just 5 minutes after a good walk the guy suddenly realized that his girlfriend is no more near him. He turned around and saw her walking 20 meters behind him somehow managing to walk in those high heels. Why do girls wear such heels if they are uncomfortable in walking? That embarrassing fart: Farting is natural but not when you are on a date. They both met three days ago and planned for a quick date. They met at a nearby restaurant. The guy seemed quite uncomfortable, his face turned as red as an apple. Soon a deep silence hit as he farted. Well, after this major embarrassment, the girlfriend somehow managed to sit with him merely for an hour but never contacted him afterward.
- Carol Royce answered Struggling with everyday life challenges, couples pay less attention to the hard work required to build a happy married life. And so, it becomes important to bring back the lost spark in your life. Here are a few quick tips to bring back that lost spark in your married life 1: Express your feelings: As soon as you start missing out on expressing your inner feelings to your spouse, the romance in your marriage dips down exponentially. A relationship is just like a baby that needs constant nurturing and care. Be expressive about things that you find attractive about your other half. So hurry up, show them some love and express what you truly feel about them. 2. Make an effort to look attractive: There is no other way to rekindle your lost romance than looking your best for your partner. Make a mental note of things that your partner finds attractive about you and you will have a handy blueprint of things you need to work on to look your best and woo your partner. 3. Surprise her:And there is no doubt, we all love surprises, especially when it’s by your loved one. If you really haven’t done this before, do it now! 4. Plan for a romantic date:Don’t opt for an expensive gift, rather surprise her with small, thoughtful gestures that really matters to her. Take her on a date, make her feel special once again. You see, you just have to make that one move and romance will resurface. 5. Touch them more often:Before you get on to this, you really need to recall that first moment you experienced butterflies in your stomach when your love interest demonstrated their love for you with an intimate touch. Now focus on bringing that spark back and reinventing your marriage. Demonstrate your love anytime, be it in the kitchen with that kiss you exchange before he leaves for work or an affectionate hug just before his day starts. You can choose to do it with seduction and affection and soon there will be no room for disappointment. 6. Communicate:Well without this, a healthy relationship cannot be built. Communication is the backbone of a happy relationship. Words are more powerful, especially for a healthy marriage communication. Establish some ground rules for healthy marriage communication. Make sure you and your spouse do not resort to blame-game, name-calling, sarcasm, taunts and scorekeeping in your relationship. Make way for an open, honest and free-flowing conversation devoid of any resentments.
- Carol Royce answered A relationship requires clear communication and compatibility. Trust, emotional intimacy and loyalty act as a major catalyst to a healthy relationship. You need to revisit your marital journey and take stock of the presence or the absence of these important elements in your relationship. Also, one of the most common reasons for cheating on a spouse is an unexciting sex life. Boring sex regime can hamper marital happiness. However, some people are wired differently and irrespective of a thriving or a boring sex life, they cheat for the sake of cheap thrills. It could be a behavioural trait or a case of compulsive disorder. Besides, it is fair to say that nobody would like to survive in an abusive relationship. The use of abusive language or abusive actions to harm the significant other either mentally, sexually, psychologically or physically becomes a major reason for cheating in some cases. If a partner doesn’t feel respected, honoured in their relationship, they seek this missing love, respect or fulfilment outside their marriage. In a relationship like such, cheating is inevitable. A lack of self-assurance in one of the married partners also becomes a reason for cheating. Often a partner who is suffering from a sense of poor self-esteem resorts to outside validation in form of a fling or an emotional affair to build a false sense of confidence. In your case, it’s evident that despite forgiving your husband twice, he has shown no signs of remorse. Repeated instances of infidelity should be an absolute deal breaker in a relationship. Do yourself a favour and sever all ties with the man, who is clearly a compulsive cheater. Remember that famous adage? Fool me once and shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Start afresh by seeking counseling for overcoming the grief of a broken relationship and learn to build a loving relationship with yourself.
- Carol Royce answered Some people who get married at a young age, after a few years of marriage realise they aren’t compatible. They find themselves constantly fighting with their partner. And divorce seems to be the only way out. However, it is only advisable to start afresh. A second marriage is often seen as a second chance at happiness. Yes, planning for second marriage brings along many fears. And clearly, your friend is plagued by the fear of her second marriage meeting the similar fate as her first marriage. She could possibly be fearing of being “trapped again” in a bitter relationship that ends abruptly. The best way to counter this fear is by taking baby steps in the relationship and not rushing to the altar. If you see your friend acting hasty or making radical decisions about taking the relationship to the next level, too early-on, then point out this as a red flag to her. Tell her it’s best to invest in comprehensive and healthy conversations with her potential partner. The more she converses, the better she gets to know him. Also, ask her to place more importance on doing a check-in with her partner in areas like shared goals, values, finances and compatibility. Ask her to visit a therapist to overcome any residual bitterness and damage from the previous relationship, it is important to let go of any previous baggage before she plunges into the decision of a new marriage. Her judgment may be clouded due to the rush of an exciting, new relationship. Help her make an informed decision by putting things into perspective for her without acting pushy.
- Carol Royce answered Hi, Love and arranged marriages are two sides of the same coin. Both come with their share of responsibilities, the only thing that varies is the equation between a couple. As an advantage in a love-marriage, you get more time to understand your better half by knowing all their flaws, quirks, habits and behavioural traits. This helps in developing a better camaraderie between a couple and a greater level of comfortability between each other. However, an arranged-marriage comes with a constraint of a limited timeline where you only get to utilize the courtship period to know your partner and build a sense of comfort. However, some couples look at it as an opportunity to build a level of excitement, understanding and intimacy gradually. Slow and steady is the buzzword for the couples looking at the arrangement of marriages that are “arranged”. As for the popular belief of love marriages meeting the sad outcome of divorce, the wrong set of expectations sometimes attribute to an unhappy marriage. Media has served us a very glorified, candy-floss version of “love marriages”. Feeding off those romantic notions, often couples in a love marriage end up disillusioned when their partners don’t match up to the perfect image of a “Ryan Gosling” or an “Anne Hathaway” in romcoms. Sex plays a key element in deepening love in a relationship. Sex brings a higher level of physical and mental intimacy in a relationship. But, unfortunately, in-love marriage, sex life can hit boredom early in a couple's life. This is because you get to spend a lot of time with your present spouse before your marriage. And due to the intimacy, you have already experienced, the excitement for sex gradually falls. And when this happens, a relationship becomes boring and sometimes leads to sexual dissatisfaction in couples. Any relationship which is an outcome of immaturity leads to conflict as the partners evolve in their choices, behaviour, and attitude. And when their personalities evolve, it becomes difficult for both to co-exist. Love marriages are sometimes an impulsive decision when two people choose to get married purely out of the hormonal rush or romantic notions about marriage. An arranged marriage or a love marriage, it is best to make the decision taking your shared values, temperaments, compatibility into consideration.
- Carol Royce answered The fate of your relationship should not be what defines you throughout your life. A bitter ending does not mean you do not have a shot at happiness again. Life has a way of working itself out. Be positive, look forward to a brighter future and follow these tips to restructuring your life and reviving your happiness. 1. Seek therapy to help you make a fresh start Don’t carry the old baggage with you anymore. If old memories badgering you in the present, don’t wait, seek an advice from a counselor or a therapist and travel light! A therapist will help you revise your perspective on life and move on. You will be better equipped to start afresh on a clean slate and build new memories that you will cherish life-long. 1. Take a break, travel Post-divorce is the best time to take a break from your mundane life. And, there is no better way than to travel. It’s a good way to distract yourself from the negativities. Travel to your favourite destination and enjoy a liberated you, relishing an experiential learning in form of different cuisines, places, culture and different people. . 2. Pursue new hobbies and build a new skill set: Engage yourself in new activities. Start building new skills and exploring your hidden, latent talent to build a more secure future. Enrol in cost-effective, value-driven online courses, catch up on reading, maintain a journal - all of this will have deep, therapeutic effect on you and aid in the recovery from the trauma of a bitter divorce. Also, pursue a hobby or an active sport to experience a healthy rush of happy hormones, stronger and happier you. 3. Surround yourself with your loved ones Spend more time in the company of loved ones. Seek happiness and positive change that can help you overcome any grief, fear or mental trauma. Engage in healthy, meaningful conversations, hang out for quick lunches, laid back dinners, house parties and an occasional drink. Reach out to your good friends, communicate with them and do what makes you the happiest. This will create more positivity around you and help you in getting more optimistic about life.
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