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Asked by Last Updated:

Trust Issues

DH is in the army.
We have been married since this past December and I thought things were going well.
He left for Korea for a one year tour in May and we are almost finished.
There's been my lies and pain over the past few months.
We have been able to talk over these issues and I thought we were finally okay.
Today I looked at our bank account and I found a strange charge.
I looked up what it is, and it's an online subscription for porn, $120 for a year that he signed up for last year right before he left for Korea.
I am very hurt and feel like I barely know who the man I got married to is anymore.
I say this because we had a long conversation about porn when we first got together and a few times after.
I expressed how I view it as emotional cheating on your partner and I found it very wrong to do when you are in a monogamous relationship.
His reply was that he has only watched it when he was younger a couple of times and didn't like it, he agreed that it was wrong.
It turns out he has deceived me for a year now and I'm not sure how I can trust him again or even feel good about myself.
We have a healthy sex life regardless of him being 7,000 miles away.
We have video chats routinely and share photos.
How am I supposed to get over this? If there's anything worse than staring at naked women on screen, it's lying about it to the woman who matters most in your life.

3 Answers

It's obvious that you don't trust your husband anymore due to what you have seen him doing in secret which is seriously against your Marriage Relationship with him. Don't avoid him for any reason, Always communicate with him, it will help him deal with the emotion that is controlling him into doing these things. Let him know how much you love him and if he truly love you he should totally abstain from pornography regarding the fact that it's draining down emotionally and it's affecting your Marriage with him.

Alternatec Answered:

You've put him in an impossible situation. You have emotional needs - physical contact, hugs et cetera that pass directly from him to friends, family and children providing a direct exchange for your loss of access to your partner. He has (typically, more intimate) physical needs which can't be fulfilled at all when far from anyone he knows in a largely male dominated environment without actually cheating (and likely paying more than $120 for it). Ask yourself if him trying to spare your feelings when isolated from his entire family is a good reason to jeopardise your relationship.

CindyBaker Answered:

It is understandable that you feel like your husband has inflicted emotional cheating on you, especially when you have already mentioned your displeasure about porn watching. However, try reasoning with your husband on more solid grounds about why porn is not such a good idea for your marital satisfaction. Reason with him that porn is a product and it is not natural. It makes people lose their ability to satisfy themselves with their real-life partners, It is twisted, and is meant to be edgy only because the pornographers have much to gain in terms of website traffic. Tell him it can make him numb to the real-life sex with you and even affect his sexual desire in the longer run.

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