Should I give up on my husband now?
Hello, I am an Indian wife married for 2 years, staying with an Indian husband in the USA.
I really need advice on my current relationship situation.
To ask you a question, I would give you some background to understand my issue.
I am 28 years old, married in 2015 to a software engineer.
I am also a Software professional having 5+ years of experience in the IT industry.
I married my husband at the age of 26, which was an arranged marriage.
Initially, during our courtship period, he was very kind and caring towards me.
But one night, we had a huge fight before our marriage which even lead to breaking our engagement, but I somehow handled that situation and got married to him.
After marriage, he rented an apartment that was close to his office but required 5 hours of travel from my workplace.
By the way, he never used to visit his office and often worked from home.
I struggled like hell to go to the office and work for the household things.
He never helped me in any work even though he was free all time as he was not allocated to any project in his office, all he wanted to do is play his Video games day and night.
After 5 months, he got a chance for a US project, he was always wanted to have an onsite opportunity, so he moved to the US without even thinking about what am I going to do? Then after 5 months, he started to ask me to leave India and accompany him in the US as he was alone here.
He promised me that he will file for my VISA and will try to get a job for me here.
Believing in his idea, I resigned from my loved job and moved to the US.
After coming here, he wanted me to do all household work, he barely helped me in anything.
I started asking him for my job, he always ignored and never gave me satisfying answers.
I started freelancing to pass my time and earn some money as here I didn’t have any friends or family other than him.
But he always expected me to do all the chores, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
He is never ready to offer any help as he thinks that I am sitting at home and doing unimportant work in freelancing.
The only thing he wants to do in his free time is playing video games.
He never takes me out as he thinks eating outside is a waste of money.
He didn’t gift me anything on my birthday or our marriage anniversary.
He never let me buy anything I like because he thinks I already have many eg cloths, cosmetics.
In US, I am completely dependent on him because my dependent visa does not permit me to work in US.
He never gives me any pocket money, I do have 200$ in my valet but I never use them.
I agree that, he pays for our rent, bills and groceries, but in return of it he expects me to do all work in house.
He would help me sometimes in cleaning and laundry but them make me feel ashamed of it as I am making my husband work in home.
He has drinking habits and looses his control after drinking.
We had a huge fight last time when he grabbed my hand and dragged me to get out of home, the major reason of fight was his Video game.
I have conveyed him lots of time about his Video game and drinking habit but he just says that he will lessen it but never does.
After that fight, he apologized and said that he will change his behavior towards me.
For some days everything was fine, but soon after he started his annoying habits again.
Now, I have decided to apply for master education in US.
For which I needed some money to attempt entrance exam and for college application for which he paid.
But last night, it was my best friend’s birthday and I asked her about the gift her boyfriend gave her.
On a funny note, I mentioned this to my husband and playfully said him that he hasn’t gifted me anything, in the reply of this he said that, he is paying for my exam fees which is equal to a gift.
The next morning, I was sleeping as I was little bit upset with his reply, he started yelling at me and asked me wake up and make breakfast for him even though he knows that I am night owl.
He always expects me to make breakfast, lunch and dinner for me 30 days a month.
He is an unappreciating person, who never say good words about me, never appreciate my work, never comment anything good about the food I cook.
I really don’t know what to do, I cannot tell this all to my parents as they are already struggling with their medical and personal problems.
I don’t believe that my in laws can help me in this.
I don’t know how can I behave so that I can make him treat me equally.
I fear to get divorce because of my family pressure and society reputation.
Please help me and advice on this situation.
Hi Rashmi, The scenario that is persistent with you is a grim one, it appears as if you are stuck in your marriage. The major problem in your case is lack of communication and bonding with your spouse. You guys are married, but both of you don't seem to understand each other. Understanding is a major constituent of a happy marriage, and I suggest you try and have a discussion with your husband about how you feel, politely declare your expectations of him. It should be a mutual discussion where he is also willing to discuss his expectations and the matters that concern him. Make him understand that a woman and a man are equal in today's world and so you have your desires and ambitions which you wish to pursue, marriage is built on trust and mutual respect, so his actions are degrading the respect you had for him. On your own, you need to analyze your situation and make a decision carefully, and you have every right to choose for yourself. Prioritize your happiness before the verdicts of the society. One should never care about anyone else's opinion. I wish you all the luck in the world, hope your marriage takes a happy turn.