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Husband & mom

So here is my question.
My husband and I have been together for 20 years.
Married for 14 years of that.
We have 4 kids.
We have been through hell and back that would break up most marriages.
Infertility, cancer treatment (his), our oldest daughter died 9 years ago.
My mom has always had an "issue" if you will with my husband.
My husband says it like he see's it and yes, he should work on his delivery of things.
As an example, he made the comment to my mom about how he knows what its like to be old like her.
She said "what the hell is that supposed to mean".
He continued to say that he joined a racquetball league to attempt to get into shape, and he feels like he's in his 60's vs 40's.
She replied "I can run circles around your ass" and he said " I have no doubt that you can, I just have realized how out of shape I am".
She completely ignores him at family functions and he said that he hates the fact that after 20 years he just simply does not feel welcomed.
She also thinks that he yells too much at the kids and our oldest had issues in first grade (after seeing a therapist and him calling out the school found out it was the teacher who is no longer teaching).
The principal actually admitted it! My mom blamed my husband for the way he talks to the kids etc.
Keep in mind, he has the dad voice, yes.
However he's never hit, berate, talked downt etc to our kids.
The worst he's ever done is put them in timeout or send them to their room to think about it.
One year he did take our 2 year old and put him in the corner because he went to run outside in the cold and wasn't listening.
My mom walked in on that and claims that "he was manhandeling" our son.
He wasn't.
Since then it's been downhill.
That was 2 years ago.
My husband comes to family functions because our kids are there and he's not going to not be involved, but it's hard on him.
My sister has called out my mom on some of this (my mom doesn't listen to me).
Like she said, he's been around for 20 years and not going anywhere so at least people can be cordial towards him.
So, I'm thinking about emailing my mom on Monday (we email back and forth during the work week) and basically saying that I hope Christmas goes better with people trying to include DH.
While no one was rude or said anything at Thanksgiving, no one made an effort to even speak to my husband.
Outside of cutting ties (my mom did that with her family when her and my dad were married) with my family I don't know what else to do.
DH bites his tongue and so does my mom at times.
I don't want my kids to miss out on family because my mom and DH don't get along and I don't want DH to not be involved and the kids wonder why.
So thoughts?

1 Answers

BruceKent Answered:

Hi Kuhn486, I believe your mom and husband have a communication gap, which has grown wide and open with time. It's 20 years, and now the situation is grim with none of the two opting to clear the air. It appears from your description your husband is not too efficient with words, pardon me if I'm wrong. I would suggest you get the two together one day, make them sit somewhere and initiate a conversation between them. Make sure all of you have ample time as it's going to be a long chit chat session. You should start by stating your concerns like you have posted here on the forum, be honest and ask them to do the same. There may be a chance one of the two would hurt the other through his/her words, and that's your cue, decipher the meaning behind each one's words. You are the only one who could do this as you know both of them well to understand what goes on in their minds. I hope this solves the issue, and they both get along nicely. Good luck!

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