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Holiday Help

~~My husband and I are in a huge disagreement over how to spend Christmas Eve.
As it stands, we will be spending Christmas Eve separately with our respective families.
Some background information: both of our families generally get along (as do we with each other’s family) but both sides have had a hard year.
My mom lost both her mother and father within the past 5 months, and my husband lost his brother (his only sibling), aged 24, to addiction.
So it’s going to be a tough Christmas for both sides.
My family lives out of state, 900 miles away.
We currently live in the same town as my husband’s family, as we moved closer when his brother passed.
To deal with the distance between us and my family, every other year, we fly up and spend Christmas with them.
His family gets all other holidays in a two year span.
My mom does not want to spend Christmas at her house due to the loss of her parents, and has decided to fly down to us for “their year.
” Here is the problem.
My husband’s mothers’ side is having a Christmas Eve “party” (really just their side celebrating) which is hosted by and at his maternal grandmother’s house and she said my family is not allowed to come.
We offered to host the party at our house because we have a “the more, the merrier” mentality, but they refused due to my husband’s grandfather being in poor health and unable to travel.
I am obviously very hurt that my family of three (my mother, step-father, and brother) are not welcome at this Christmas Eve get-together, because it makes me feel like my family is not accepted by his.
My husband sees that his family is wrong and understands why I am hurt, but refuses to spend Christmas Eve with my family because he feels he needs to be there with his mother and father after the loss of his brother this past year.
So we will be spending Christmas Eve apart, and I am extremely upset.
I feel as if there are three options, 1.
His family (mainly grandmother) extends the invite for my family to join on Christmas Eve, knowing they are in town from 900 miles away and we can’t leave them at home.
Everyone comes to our house for the Christmas Eve celebration, where all are welcome.
Or 3.
My husband stands up for me and my family and stays home with us on Christmas Eve.
I just don’t feel that as newlyweds (our 2nd married Christmas) we should be spending Christmas Eve apart.
For Christmas Day, my husband and I are hosting and both my side will be there and we have invited his parents and any other of his family members that would like to come.
And for future years, my husband has made it clear that we will be hosting at our house to avoid this situation… because we want one big happy, blended family between the two of us.
No separate celebrations between the sides.
Knowing this, am I selfish for wanting him to stand up for me and my family, even after the loss of his brother? My family has had a hard year also with the loss of my two maternal grandparents, so both sides are hurting.
I'm really looking for honest (but not mean) advice.
I don't know who else to turn to because friends are too biased and I would never involve family and cause more tension.
Please help.

1 Answers

BruceKent Answered:

Christmas is not the time to be tensed and worried. It is the time to spread joy, and how can someone share something they don't have. First of all, don't be stressed. No matter what the scenario folds out to be it should be your motto to be joyful. I agree that it is a hard choice, but you have got to make it. I don't think your husband is going to stay on Christmas eve and you must understand his situation. He might feel the same as you, but he has no choice. You are his soulmate, and you of all the people in the world should understand his compulsions. The only option that's open to you guys is option 1. Though it is not likely that his grandmother would extend the invite to your family, your husband should try and convince her. The fact that this decision is going to separate a married couple on Christmas Eve should melt her heart. I hope it does, and you are with your husband on Christmas Eve. Good Luck!

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