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Asked by Last Updated:

Is It Time To Go?

I have no idea if anyone will ever read this and answer, but if someone does – I would appreciate it more than you can imagine.
I really need someone to cut through my crap and serve it to me straight because I'm crazy confused.
My relationship is very confusing because it has been bad for about a decade and after saying I was done and ready to move on, my husband pulled a Hail Mary and has drastically improved.
For months and months, he has been the person I deserve.
A person similar to what I always envisioned myself being with.
You know - loving, caring, attentive, taking care of himself and being physically attractive.
That’s what I give, that’s what I want, hope for and need.
I think it might have been too late.
I actually really love him, but it’s like a friend.
There is no burning passion and that’s fine because that’s fleeting in marriages anyway.
I can’t tell if we have something great and should keep going or if I’m actually just too lazy and settling for something good enough because I don’t feel like moving out and refiguring my life.
We have 2 kids BTW.
Should have thrown that out there.
Had I not had kids, I would have been gone years ago.
When he got fat, the sex got crappy and he wasn’t paying attention to me at all, I would have hauled buns.
Kids kept me around.
The fear of figuring out how to live a single life with kids kept me around.
The entire thing freaks me out.
I know I can do it, but now with things not being that bad I don’t know if I’m ready.
I also don’t think it’s fair to stay around when I feel so depressed and don’t have a lot to give.
It’s wearing me down.
The worst part is that he has always been overcontrolling, jealous and suspicious.
So I can’t go out and have a life.
Every day my life is exactly the same.
I get so down about the fact there is nothing to look forward to at all that I go to bed crazy early.
There is no point in being awake.
I am sleeping through my life.
I work out Monday through Friday morning, go to work, come home and I just want to check out of my own life.
How do you end it with someone who is kind and in the middle of huge improvements? How do you end it when it’s not completely dead but it’s also not enough anymore? I don’t understand how someone waits until the relationship is to the point of breaking to finally pull their stuff together.
It's almost mean.
If you weren't in it before, keep being crap and let me go.
Don't turn into a different person overnight and make me eat crap in an entirely new way.
I really don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to date.
I’m not interested in a relationship of any kind.
They’ve all been a different kind of hell.
I can’t take that anymore.
I don’t know if I'm ready to be alone.
I will be choosing a very lonely life.
I hate the thought of him finally being something great and someone else being with him, but at the same time I really kind of don’t give a crap.
I really think it may be too late and someone else is going to get something really great.
And I’m going to have lost the best years of my life for nothing.
It really makes me sick.
I'm so upset about the last 12 years of my life just being gone.
It's very hard to deal with emotionally.

4 Answers

upcycle Answered:

Midwestmom...I can completely understand how you feel your husband's behavior is selfish and I also understand how you are disconnected and now depressed because now, finally, your husband is all the things you have wanted for the past 13 years.

I would encourage you to step back and breathe. You need to work through your feelings of (I'm guessing here...) frustration, anger, disappointment, grief (grief over what might have been, had your husband been what you needed and wanted).

Once you work through these feelings, then you will be able to determine where you need to go from here. It can be empowering to know and embrace that we are in control of our own lives...even if that means leaving. Or staying. But you (youyouyou) get to decide what you're going to do. And if you decide to stay with your husband, you have to be able to forgive and move forward. And you have to be able to say you're staying because this is what is right for you. And if you leave, you have to be able to say you're leaving for you...not because of what he did or didn't do, and not because of what he did or didn't say. I think it's okay to tell him all of this too. 



Denisem Answered:

It sounds like the problem lies within you. You're blaming your problems on your marriage, when it sounds like you need to improve yourself and also see a mental health professional due to your depression. I'm a firm believer in not staying just to stay, but it doesn't sound like you've done all YOU can do yet. Work on yourself, get some therapy and give it some time.

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Midwestmom
Replied on Dec 06, 2017

Really? Please elaborate on how the problem lies with me and he has absolutely no responsibility in this whatsoever.
See he has been telling me this for 10 years as well.
I’m from the school it takes two to make a marriage work and for someone to sit back for 10 years and be emotionally disconnected then swoop in at the 11th hour and expect me to embrace the change I feel is incredibly selfish.

Midwestmom Answered:

Wow....I feel like I am reading about my own life here. The only difference is my husband and I have been married for 13 years. I spen the better half of those years being emotionally neglected, begging him for more attention, begging him to take counseling seriously, trying intimacy exercises, telling him what I needed etc... I threatened to divorce him many times and nothing worked. I finally reached a point where I am no longer emotionally connected to the man and ready to leave and now he turns into the ideal spouse.go figure. So I find myself sinking into a depression because I feel guilty for not wanting to work on the relationship. I say where were they the last 12-13 years? To me it continues to reflect the level of selfishness if they expect us to try now that they are ready when we sat around and waited for them the last decade.

BruceKent Answered:

Hi Midwest, The real deal for happiness is not out there anywhere in the world; it is inside us. You should be your top priority. If you are not happy, you cannot make anyone else happy. You were in a compromising relationship for the past 12 years of your life, and maybe it is about time when you sit by yourself and discover your desires in life. I can only advice a plan of action based on the information you have shared which will never be enough. It was you who were a part of a compromising marriage, so it should be you who decides for your life. Just remember, whatever choice you make don't think about the consequences instead only analyze how it is going to boost your morale and impart some moments of joy in your life. When you at the starting line, about to begin a new phase in life, do it with a smile on your face. I know you will choose your happiness in whatever decision you take.

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