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Asked by Last Updated:

advise please

Ok where to start , my wife and I have been married 16 years and have 2 kids, we are now seperated since February when I moved out of the family home.
The reason for the seperation is all my fault due to the fact that I hid from my wife that I had bisexual feelings, she caught me out on a few occasions sending pictures and chatting to other men online .
Every time she caught me she forgave me and we moved on until it happened again where she said enough was enough and asked me to move out while she sorted her head out and decided the way forward.
 This was obviously hard for me to accept as she forgave me all the previouse times but I knew it had to be done and we couldnt carry on the way things were, the trust was broken.
I did as she asked and moved out and got my own place.
The seperation was on good terms and there was not fighting and we maintained a very close relationship apert from actually being together.
I see my kids often as I go to the house 5 times a week as my wife works late and someone need to look afte rthe kids and fetch from school.
This arrangement has worked well and is still going well, I make dinner for all of us and we all watch a bit of tv and then I return back to my place.
Now this is were it gets tricky , shortly after I moved out my wife started seeing another guy , it was kept very quiet at first until I found out about them , I was shocked as she had gone straight into another relationship straight after we seperated , I cant be cross as all the times I "cheated" on her was probably worse.
She seems to be happy with this guy and it eats me up inside everytime i see a photo of them together or hear my kids talk about him.
I want to try and fix our marriage , I even offerd for us to go to councilling but she refused, I undersatnd this is not a quick fix , she is on antidepresants and im worried she is not coping .
This new guy seems to be taking over her life , she has taken more photos of them together than we ever did whilst we were together ,im not sure if this is what they call a rebound realationship but Im struggling to try fix things with him around.
I am still trying , not sure if its all in vain , i go to the house , i clean for her and ,make sure there is dinner for her when she gets in from work , i go shopping with her for food for the house and pay half, my mother brings shopping over on a regular basis and has never questioned her actions and treats her as she always did.
What next , do I carry on as I have and hope things will get better or do I move on with my life and accept she has a new partner.

1 Answers

Midwest Answered:

I was on here because I've been having some confusing issues of my own. I'm really glad I read your post because relationships are really difficult. I hate that other people have issues, but at the same time, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Having said that, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't know how this relationship can work if you cheat. I too am bisexual. It's not an excuse - I'm a female and women use that as an excuse for bad behavior all the time. We typically always get a pass. Whether it's with the same sex or the opposite, when someone is having any kind of intimacy outside of the relationship, it's painful. It breaks trust. When you can't trust someone, it turns you into someone you never wanted to be. The only way this relationship could possibly ever work out is if you stopped saying you are bisexual and using it as an excuse to have flirtations. If you are in a man/woman relationship, then you have chosen a straight lifestyle. It makes you straight and you live the straightened path. You commit. If you are lucky enough that this woman forgives you, you need to stop cheating. You have to stop pulling her around emotionally. You have to stop hurting her. She deserves better than that and if you really love her, you should be the one trying the most not to hurt her. Try harder, try every minute of every day – or set her free to live a good life. Also, you are correct. It sounds like she is in a rebound relationship and deservedly so. Some of the typical aspects of a rebound relationship are taking too many photos and throwing it all over the place. They want the relationship to mean something and very quickly. They need love and care and attention. She probably hasn't had that in some time. You should be happy she's found something. It may be fleeting, but some rebounds end up in shortly lived marriages. She probably needs a distraction from her life. I can't even imagine how she must feel. ​It sounds like she's truly done, for now at least. You should let her be happy. Give her some space. Keep being good to her. Maybe there will be something in the future, but it's going to take a lot of work. You had your fun during your relationship, you shouldn't force her to work hard in couples therapy when she's finally having a little fun of her own and enjoying her life. If that's what she wants to come back to, it will happen naturally in time.

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