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Asked by Last Updated:

Should we separate?

I have mentioned to my husband a number of times how I feel, and each time I cry less and wonder more if leaving would be the best thing for both of us; my sanity and his stress level I am 34 husband 42 and have been married for 4 years, have a 19 month old, and we haven't had sex since conceiving him.
We had issues with sex early on but he blamed it on the stress of filling bankruptcy, as time went on it was the fact that my now 20 year old step daughter was home, or that he worked to much do to the fact that I couldn't find a higher paying job once i moved from NYC to WA state.
He says the issue now is that our son ends up in our bad, or again that he's too tiered from all of the work he has to do because I'm not making enough.
We barely talk about anything, there is no romance, I find myself just going along with everything and anything, because I feel like maybe im the problem and call myself trying to work on me to fix us.
I feel horrible for my son, I was a wait tell 30 to get married, and no kids before marriage type of girl.
I met my husband at 28 online when I was just casually dating, and pickup everything and moved.
I find now that most of our conversations are about lack of money, or my step daughter who is in college - her college parties, drinking, etc.
, her grades too of course, or reminiscing about when he was in college - he had her in college.
I've stop trying for sex with him and the more I think about it, i feel like it's too hard to go back to sex with him, like the fire is somewhat all the way out.
I'm interviewing for higher paying jobs now, and all I can think about is setting myself up to leave, finding love again and still possibly grow my family with someone else.
I want another child, and with our ages we have a small window to make that happen.
He says he wants another but waiting on me and landing a solid job.
Im starting to feel like now that he has a kid that's about to be 21 all he wants to do is hang out and drink with her, in a way like he's living the full college experience through her that he didn't get to really have.
I'm just all kind of confused.
I love him, I really do, but I'm not getting anything from this marriage as is besides a roof over my head, and my son.

2 Answers

HappyShipping Answered:

Hi Nicole, Marriage is not to be taken lightly and a low sex drive could be helped, divorce is a horrible process and a final resort. I undertand you are having a hard time right now but there are some things you can do to try to improve the issues. You could plan a date night once a week where you go out to somewhere nice, dress up and get a babysitter and you don't discuss issues!! This will help your husband and you bond alone without children around. I would also suggest trying to bring more romance into the relationship, perhaps have a bath together and have a pamper night with massages (it may be awkward at first but intimacy and touch really needs to be brought into the relationship), if not just try to do something passionate like dress in lingerie which should get his blood going ;]. If you've tried these and you find they don't work, I would recommend relate councelling or another type of marriage councelling, I do believe with a bit of romance this issue could be solved. Good luck xx

Midwest Answered:

It really sounds like you need to get out. First, a sexless marriage for the amount of time you are mentioning is very odd. I would be shocked if there wasn't some cheating, or a lot of cheating going on. I mean, guys when they get older, if they aren't taking care of themselves will lose their sex drive. But they'll still want to do it at least every other weak. I've dated guys of all ages, some around 15 years older than me. I've noticed the fatter they are in the mid-section, the worse they eat and if they don't work out, the deader the sex drive. But still, nonexistent is a HUGE red flag that there is something else going on. This is the big question, how long can take a life like this? Can you really see doing the same thing you are currently doing day in and day out for the rest of your life? How insanely unfair would that be. It sounds like a terrible life. Personally, I could never do it. Your best years will be behind you, you will get older. You're going to have to find anything else you can to fulfill your life so it doesn't feel lonely and intolerable. That kind of stuff wears a person down. Turns you into someone you never wanted to be. And all so you can be around for this guy who doesn't seem to be that into the marriage. That's a lot to give up for very little in return.

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