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Asked by Last Updated:

Should I expect my mother in law to call me directly about family gatherings?

My husband and I have been married for 22 years.
we have a 21 year old college student and 16 year old high schooler.
His parents divorced when he was 4 years old and both are remarried ( his dad has remarried twice).
  My issue is that over the years, my mother in law would plan activites with the kids or family functions and tell my husband who would forget to tell me.
  I would be awakened at 7am on Sunday morning with my MIL at the door saying she had arrived to get the kids.
I would have to jump out of bed, drag the kids from bed, get them dressed, find something to feed them for breakfast that could take 2 mintues and comb my daughter's hair (her hair is very long and curly so this was not a 5 minute task but could take up to 30 minutes to brush out tangles) So I would end up looking unorganized and my MIL would be irritated.
This was a regular occurance so I very gently explained to her that she was welcome to get the kids anytime but to please let me know because my husband would forget to tell me and since I was the one responsible for most of the childcare that I could have things ready in advance.
  This was ingnored by both my husabnd an MIL.
She still does this now.
she will plan a family dinner or event and tell my husband who would forget to tell me .
oh I am sorry he sometimes would remember  the day of  ( if I am lucky the day before)  so I would have cancel any plans I had.
  My MIL is kind of old fashioned in that she believes that the wife /women are the ones who are best at organizing and running family events.
  She also calls my SIL ( her stepdaughter) directly when there is an event so am wrong to feel annoyed about this? Especially given, that she knows my husband is forgetful?

1 Answers

BruceKent Answered:

Hi, It's quite obvious to expect a direct connection with your mother in law, not only in cases of family gatherings but in general. You guys are family, she is the mother of your husband and for her, you are the wife of her son and the mother of her grandchildren. So, you guys should share a more prominent bond, if it is not the case with you guys, then you should talk it out with your mother in law. Discuss the importance of your individual roles in the family and the assert the need for a direct connection between the two of you. To gain respect in someone's eyes is no easy task, especially if she is an old-fashioned family-centric lady. You have got to establish a parallel line of communication with her and to achieve this you have to come up with ideas on your own, an efficient communication channel is only possible with mutual respect and understanding.

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