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Asked by Last Updated:

Words said 20 years ago on a first date...still true?

We reconnected again as friends about 9 years ago, kept it light, initially, but feeling was there and finally expressed.
He has a child, she is 16.
Ive accepted he doesn't want to get married and I've accepted he had a child.
However, about a year ago he brought up "marrying me on his death bed" so I can gain his retirement/medical/etc and he'd know I was taken care of upon his death.
He told his parents this as well.
I began to research laws in my state about my rights to his asset w/out a will or without a marriage.
This is nothing compelling from what I've found to convince me that I would be secure and cared for upon his death with marriage, even a will has some weak spots.
5 months or so ago I showed up at his place and he was weirdly angry and went on some rant about how he always had a reason to NOT marry other women and that he was angry he wasn't able to think of a decent and logical reason to NOT marry me.
Romantic, I know, LOL.
So i pushed the issue.
like what's your hang-up? You don't come from divorce? Your family members have gotten married and it seems to work for them.
We both historically made comments about marriage being an institution and how everything changes after, yada yada yada.
heres the thing.
we are not married and things have changed in the years we known one another.
4 months ago he asks my mom for her permission she is please as punch and of course gives it, he tells me what he did and what she said and how he can't think of a good reason not to and that it's important to me so yeah.
let's do this.
I know.
I know super romantic.
We tell his parents who are very surprised but clearly relieved and so very happy for us.
They offer up their anniversary bands for us to use, His mom's had to be cut off her finger and sized to fit me and his dads was sized for him.
He wasn't gonna wear his, I was fine, I didn't wear mine much either as it had a decent size rock in it and I work in food and bev.
industry and worried I'd lose it or have it pop out of its setting by snagging it on something.
it official,.
small party thrown.
talk of planning vow exchange brings all his anxiety back to the surface.
so I back off and just chill w/ engagement for weeks.
I had a thought of an outsize vow exchange at a local river spot by a nonreligious person who is licensed to provide service and am stoked with idea as it would be super cheap and it would be us in our eliment.
no fancy dancy traditional vows church service.
quick and easy.
he doesn't respond to my idea for hours, may have been a full day and a half.
His reply: just so you know we will be divorced in a year, this whole marriage thing will be what breaks us, i hope you realize that.
You can imagine my pain.
so I said my peace and walked away, humiliated, angry, sad, disappointed, and yet not totally shocked.
Perhaps as sign of how well I know this man.
Time went by and as it did.
i was more sad about not having him in my life then all the other initial feelings.
We got back together but back to boyfriend/girlfriend, agreed to not discuss marriage for at least a year as he made me feel like it was all to fast to soon that he got cold feet.
Its only been a few months back together and after a few drinks the other night I snuggled up to him on couch and blurted out "are you ever gonna marry me" and his instant reply was no.
Am I naive to think he will come around? Perhaps.
hopeful Id prefers to think.
But if he doesn't and won't, how can he keep his promise of my security after his death to satisfy my need to feel confident in that promise.
If he gets sick, or when he gets sick, what rights will I have to visit him, touch him, or make medical decisions on his behalf? How come I can be understanding about his "no marriage no kids" first date statement of 20 years ago and him HAVING a 16-year-old but he can't understand how I can flip the script and now want to be married.
Juar typing this shows me how stupid is logic and reasoning is.
Clearly he has a disdain for marriage.
I'm just not sure what it is, why its there and why he can move past it or consider that he could have been misguided before.
When does he compromise about things he is uneasy about.
I'm worried he will never create a living will or trust, will never marry me, an my love of him will keep me with him until he dies and by then I;ll be old alone and broke.

2 Answers

Franklinco Answered:

Having known him for over 20 years now is big enough for both of you to have understood each other very well. If you really love that man just win his heart and you will make him love you back. Winning the heart of your partner is very much important in every relationship but some people don't actually know how to do that and that's why they keep on having issues in their relationship. Everyone is capable of TRANSFORMING his or her RELATIONSHIP if the person has the SKILL. This SKILL of transformation is all that you need now to save your marriage and make it a very happy one. Marriage Counsellors who do not have this SKILL finds it very difficult to resolve family issues and that's why many of them fail to proffer solutions to such problems. I have witnessed RELATIONSHIPS come back to LIFE after dishonesty, affairs, deception, bankruptcy and other middle-life crisis. I believe that the article you are about to read now will help you RESOLVE any problem that you are facing in your MARRIAGE or RELATIONSHIP so that you will start enjoying your marriage. 

BruceKent Answered:

Hi, all I can say is Love cant be forced and so is marriage. If you really want to care for him there can be multiple ways to go about it and why should you talk about death bed and its complications. What happens when one is dead should not be the focus point, instead the focus should be on how to cherish life while we are alive. Being in a relationship you guys should think more about living your life to the fullest, enjoying each other's company and being happy with just the thought of having someone in your life. You should look to share the love that you have for him and make the most of your time together. It should not matter, what type of relationship you guys have. Don't look to find a name for a bond two person share instead just enjoy that bond, go with the flow, don't wait for things to happen they might just happen organically.

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