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Asked by Last Updated:

Am I the problem? Not sure where to go or what to do.

My husband and I will be married for 10 years in November.
That being said, we are still akward around each other.
Anytime we hug or kiss, it's just awkard.
He is all fumbly like he doesn't know what he is doing or whatever.
He also won't initiate sex, he wants me to do it all the time.
I don't feel I should.
I feel he should be a MAN and do it sometimes.
If he does initiate, he is drunk.
Gee.
No thank you! We can go a year without sex.
But that's not the point here.
The point is we are still akward around each other.
We still don't feel comforable with each other.
It bothers me quite a bit.
Is that normal? Is anyone else's relationship like that? I want someone, who to me, is a man.
Take charge! I don't like the way he kisses me, I don't like the way he comes on to me.
It's almost silly.
LIke he is a child almost.
I don't know.
UGH.
Sometimes I would rather just be roommates but he tells me I am his world and all this.
And I just feel numb.
I just don't think I feel the same way.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
Things between us shouldn't be akward.
He is supposed to be my best friend.
He is supposed to me by partner.
I don't feel like that at all.
Idon't "feel" like I have met my match.
If that makes any sense.
 

2 Answers

upcycle Answered:

I think the problem you describe kbelliott is pretty common.

Have you tried talking to your husband about what you need, when you can be calm, and as matter-of-fact as possible? This means not talking about it "in the moment"...of sex, or either of you initiating it? Or when you are angry and frustrated. If you approach this problem as something "he ought to know", and "to be a man", you will get nowhere, and he will only feel inadequate. Which will lead to him being defensive and shutting down, and you being frustrated and angry. Right?

To understand that, think about it this way: what if he were coming to you saying, "You ought to know how to be a wife!" "You ought to know what I need to be satisfied as a man, which means YOU initiate sex!" Why is his way wrong and your way right? Would you feel willing and ready to consider what he needs if he approached you in this way? Expressing love/sex/intimacy does not come naturally to a lot of men. Or women, for that matter. What does matter is that you and your husband find what works for you.

The reason this issue becomes so frustrating is because it is based in emotions. If you approach this as something that needs to be worked out - just like you have worked out thousands of other things in your marriage over 10 years - it might seem less disappointing and less monumental. It will also make your relationship with your husband deeper - more like the partner and friend you are seeking. 

What is an issue you and your husband have resolved that is an ordinary, every day thing? Try approaching your issue about intimacy/love/sex as something ordinary and tangible. 

Finally, find the things that you do love about your husband....the things that drew you to him in the first place. Love and appreciate those things about him while you work on this area.

Cassy68 Answered:

It does make sense, because my life is exactly like that but we have been together for 20 years. I am looking for help too, but I say no to roommate situation . Life is meant to be more than this. In my interpretation it's not fair to either of you to live like that. I'm curious what others have to say. Good luck and be happy! Life is too short !

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