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How do I save this marriage?

So I'm going to keep this short as possible but I am grateful for anyone who take the time to read it and any advice given. I am 30 and my wife is 28 years old, we have been married almost 5 years and have two young boys together.

About a month ago my wife has suddenly told me she has "fallen out of love" with me. She says she's been feeling this way for the past 6 months and that she has bottled it in from me. She says she loves me as the father of our two children but not as a husband anymore. She says it's impossible to make her feel differently and that she can't love me again like a husband. She says she wants a divorce and is in a hurry to do it, she wants to file this week. She has already talked to a lawyer and is getting paperwork together for that lawyer. She has agreed to counseling but says she knows it won't change her mind and is only going to go because it might bring closure to me. Her compromise to this is that she will go to counseling in the 30 days that I have to sign the divorce paperwork but she insists that the counseling is not going to change her mind. She says she knows in her heart that divorce is the right option.

Now in her defense I have a part in how she feels. Over the 5 years we have been married I have been emotionally distant and jaded toward her. I don't know why, I am a police officer and I believe it may have something to do with my job. Over the years she has said things to me about it but never made a big deal out of it, so I never took her concern seriously. She recommended counseling and I declined to go. Now that she has said she wants a divorce I have completely changed my tune, I'm more than willing to go to counseling and I have recognized and taken responsibility for my flaws and vow to change them. She says it's too little to late, what's done is done and there is no changing how she feels. She says she recognizes that I'm changing for the better but she can't believe that I won't go back to my old ways, she says even if it is genuine that she still feels how she feels and wants a divorce.

She has taken off her ring and thrown it in a drawer, she refuses to sleep in the same bed as me and she doesn't let me touch her. She says it make her feel uncomfortable when I try to hug, kiss, cuddle, etc. Yet every once in awhile she will come up and hug me or even kiss me on rarer occasion. We are civil with each other and hardly ever fight, she still will come up to me and show me funny jokes or tell me about her day at work. She will still ask about how my day at work was. To me it is like she is just trying to keep a friendship connection for the sake of our kids but I could be wrong.

I have done nice things like write a letter and printed out pictures of us throughout our marriage. Then on a later date I bought a card, flowers and gift. All these things she says makes her feel uncomfortable by me doing them.

Everyone in our family is against her decision of divorce, including her mom who she is extremely close with.

There are some red flags of cheating. She has been protective of her phone, stayed out late after work a few times, deletes messages in her phone and she suddenly has a passion of going out places with her girlfriends as of the past couple months. I highly doubt she is cheating, it is against everything she believes in but I can't prove she isn't. I have confronted her on it and she declines and becomes very defensive and is sick of everyone accusing her of it. I have given her the opportunity to admit privately if she was cheating or was even interested in someone else, she declines that it has to do with any other guy.

I have tried making plans to go out on dates with her or spend time with her and she just avoids it. She signs up for extra shifts at work on my days off or just declines to go. She says she doesn't want to do anything with me. When we are home together she keeps busy around the house and avoids spending time with me, she will often hide in the bathroom and play on her phone while I'm home.

So if anyone has been through a similar situation or just knows what I should do please help. It has only been a month of rejection but I is eating away at me. I am so tired of being rejected by her and pushed away.

Thank you.

1 Answer

ted1234 said on
It is just so sad that has happened to the two of you. It really pains me when this happens, despite having love when couples fall apart. Well if she is admant that divorce is the only way out then it probably it is. You are doing the correct thing by going to counseling. Counseling can help you ascertain if there is a even slight ray of hope for you relationship and if not it will help you attain closure atleast. The fact that you are cordial and are on friendly terms is a good thing for your kids.
Probably it is time that you stopped trying to make amends. You alone cannot salvage your relationship.
Just visit a counselor and do what they recommend.
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