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Asked by Last Updated:

What is going on with my husband?

2 months ago I found naked picture of my husbands Ex wife on the laptop.
After confronting him he first said he didn't know how they got there.
I pushed harder and he said he knew they where there and after more pushing he admitted to masterbating to them on occasion.
He didn't see anything wrong with it and that really hurt and angered me.
I'm no prude and know he watches porn but this was different it was someone he was intimate with at one time in his life.
Then out of nowhere he brought up wanting to try swinging.
After 6 years of marriage I was at a loss as to why this was never brought up! He said he has always wanted to try and he would enjoy seeing me with another man.
I told him a firm no and said that I couldn't do that but I would consider an open marriage or a trial of one.
He wouldn't even discuss it.
I recently discovered that he has been viewing the personals on Craigslist.
No swingers ones but women looking for men.
And I discovered that he has responded to some of them.
Requesting pictures and saying how sexy they are.
I'm not lacking in the looks department and am a smaller woman at 5'1 and 130 lbs.
and he looking at BBW ads.
I'm very confused and hurt that he has been lying to me and sneaking around.
I've offered an open marriage where it is agreed apon by both parties yet he feels the need to be sneaky instead? In hurt and confused and a lot angry.
I have yet to confront him on this as I'm not a confrontational person and I know it will get turned around on me saying I'm snooping and such.
But I feel all these emotions bubbling up inside and I've been very short and snappy with him and my mood has been on a steady decline.
Any advice as to what could be going on with him and how to bring this up is greatly appreciated.

1 Answers

David Dawson Answered:

Oh dear. This is awful - I'm so sorry you're going through such turmoil right now.
First things first, what he is doing is wrong. You are completely justified to be upset about him masturbating to his ex. It's completely inappropriate for a married man to be lusting after someone he used to be in love with. He married you, which means any X-rated materials he has of other girls should have been deleted long ago.
It sounds like your husband has likely gone down a porn rabbit hole of watching wife swapping/swinging/BBW and has let his fantasies step into reality. Personally, I would consider it a form of cheating for him to be contacting other women online and getting naked photos of them.
If you are not comfortable with an open marriage, please do not go through with it. It sounds like your husband has a lot to work out right now and respecting you doesn't seem to be high on his list, so I wouldn't expect your open marriage to go very well (as it often doesn't and mostly leads to partners falling in love with other people.)
You must talk to your husband about what you've found him doing. Don't let him turn things around on you. YOU are in the right here.
I highly suggest exploring couples therapy, as it seems like this issue could be much deeper than what we see on the surface. There's a great search for finding a therapist in your area here:
Good luck.

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