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Asked by Last Updated:

What would you do?

Been married 30 years.
10 years ago we separated for 2 year and then reconciled.
Things are basically fine, but while we were separated, I discovered my husband had been lying to me for a long time.
He had been pursuing other women with the intention of leaving me if something worked out.
I thought we were past that now that our marriage is better.
We recently relocated.
As it turns out, a woman he dated in high school works for him, though she is one of 2000 people, is about 5 levels below him and in a different city.
This woman was one of the ones he pursued.
I didn't think too much of it, but after I found out he had seen her since our relocation, I asked that he let me know when he has contact with her.
He has seen and corresponded with her again and has not told me.
I don't think anything is going on, I just think it erodes our trust.
Just giving that story for context.
I don't think he has cheated, but this is how he operated before our separation, so I have reason to be gun shy.
This past week, he started acting weird.
Phone suddenly always with him, moody, asking me what is wrong in an aggressive way when clearly nothing is wrong.
It all added up to something.
I checked his phone.
There were texts from a women he used to work with who is now with another company.
She was in town, they met for lunch.
She came to his out of the way office to meet him.
He didn't mention it.
I would not have expected him to.
But, he was so weird that by Sunday I asked him what was going on.
He became extremely defensive (I only asked in terms of why he was so grumpy).
He came after me verbally.
What was wrong with me? Why was I in a mood, etc.
Classic deflection and crazy making - what he used to do before we were separated.
I was so confused I checked his phone again.
All texts from the woman are gone.
Mind you, these were simply professional "I am in the building.
Where should we meet?" type of texts.
How would you handle this?

3 Answers

Zena63 Answered:

Men have a gene that they think its OK to cheat. He erased it but will continue to think its ok to cheat. I would ask him to go with you to a marriage counsel. If he says No then you know you have to go get help by yourself. Been there done that.

LunaTam Answered:

Our situations are quite different, mine being that my husband never became moody or irritated, just withdrawn....quiet. But the similarities are there regarding text messages and whatnot. My two cents? After what I've been through, I realize that TALKING....just plain old communication, is so very important in any relationship. So ask him the hard questions. Try to keep your sanity if he gets mad or even tries to blame you, cause he might. Just keep telling yourself, YOU did NOTHING wrong. Also, the time has passed for sparing him from hurt feelings. So be blunt. Be honest. If you love him, say so. If you don't trust him, tell him why. If you're angry, walk away and calm down. Cry. Cry whenever you want. For me it's better than getting pissed and then saying something really damaging.....SO! To recap: TALK TO HIM. Good luck!

Zaro_gab Answered:

Personally, I would not go there- its just asking for trouble, and I wonder if you are honest deep down, are you hoping for something more?

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