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Asked by Last Updated:

Too many coincidences, is he cheating?

My husband and I have been together since I was 15 yrs old and married for over three years, I am now 31yrs old.
We've been through so many situations before marriage where I decided to let it go because there was no way to prove he actually did anything or I had to let it go because he made me feel like I was being unreasonable.
The list; 1) finding out a few years later he was already seeing another women when we first and continued to see her for a few weeks after we began seeing each other but says after we met theit sexual relationship had already ended 2) when we first started dating he and his friends went on a guys only trip to TJ Mexico where he ended up caring for this drunk girl his and her friends left him with but says nothing ever happened when he got her to her room 3) in the second year of our relationship he still had all his contacts of what he says we're either just friends (one of whom is part of an uncovered issue later) or girls he no longer dated BUT still refused to erase their numbers 4) after living together for a year and a half I found a new number of a new girl he says was put in his phone for a shy friend he retrieved the number for because the shy friend asked him to while him and his friends were out at the club 5) found a work shirt of his with half of one side covered in some kind of mucus looking bodily fluid he said was from his blowing his nose on at work on (note that he didn't like for me to wash his clothing because I would find receipts of places he went to that he lied about when I use to do his laundry) 6) after hearing stories about so many men he carpooled or worked with sleeping with prostitutes who worked from out of massage parlors in a town outside of our own, to find months later he had a business card to a massage parlor in that very town.
He admitted it was to the massage parlor with prostitutes but he never went there.
His side was that he didn't want to seem like a pu**y to turn away from accepting the card so he put it in his wallet so he'd remember to toss it away later when the person who gave it to him wasn't around 7) after the massage parlor argument, for months he did not want to be intimate saying he just was tired from work and then confessing the real truth when I blew up about it, he had went to the doctors and was tested positive for genital herpes.
Then, said he he didn't tell me because he didn't want me thinking he really contracted it from the massage parlor since that was a recent argument that maybe he may have gotten it from me during oral sex.
 I don't get cold sores and had not tested positive from herpes until right before I was pregnant with our second child years later when we stopped using protection 8) we went half of our relationship with him staying friends and having the number of someone I suspected liking him, I found out from her bf that she was in love with him for years and he first claimed he didn't know then changed it later to he knew something then I found a picture they professionally took together but still says nothing ever happened between them and he refused to cut contact with her even though how uncomfortable I was told him I with that (even though I had to cut contact with a very good friend in the exact same situation I had no feelings for because my husband said he was uncomfortable with that) 9) before his brother bachelor party I found the text invite in his phone from one of his bf's stating that it was advice to get there early as to not get the "sloppy seconds" of the hooker and wh**e there that would fulfill their every need.
My husband said his friend sent that to everyone as a joke to see which wives would see the text and get in trouble.
He still went even though I begged him not to and said nothing bad happened.
Later I find out from the wife of another brother where the party was held that when she came back home she found that the strippers were fully nude (my husband lied and said they werent) and that when she was kicking everyone out shutting the party down that their were men fixing their clothing coming out a few rooms with totally naked strippers.
10) on his brothers 30th bday celebration during a group photo a friend of a friends friend while weating a mini skirt put her leg up on my husband where he proceeded to try and pick her up WHILE his brother is french kissing her and pulls her breast out and cups it for the picture, I asked if anything ever went on between them for her to be so comfortable with him and he said no 11) during the same night of his brothers 30th birthday I walk around the corn to go down the hall of the club to the ladies restroom, before I turn in a get a quick glimpse of his brother making out with some random girl so instead of entering th restroom I walk over to tell him to knock it off because it not right that my friend aka his gf is around the corner but instead find my husband next to him with another random girl who he has his arm around trying to bring her in closer, I walk up hes startled and removes his hand and I ask the girl if my then bf is hitting on her, she tells me yes even though his brother sees and try to signal her to say no 12) for years up till now I find out every so often he goes to strip clubs when he gets off work early but tells me he comes home late because he was at the store buying tools for work 13) I find in his YouTube saved videos while pregnant with our third child videos he has SAVED about titles that read what say to girls to get them to have sex quick and videos with the title nasty sh**girls like to hear and how to know if she's a freak 14) find out he had just recently went to a strip club (for me lusing after na ked women is cheating, if i cant see strippers why can he?).
 while I'm 8mos pregnant and lied about it, still to this day claims he's never even had a lapdance but goes when guys from work invite him since he's in the carpool.
I have no way of proving he actually did anything wrong in any of these situations with the exception of the night of his brothers bday and going to strip clubs after we got married when he said he no longer would.
I feel like there are to many coincidences for nothing to of happened and if anyone else would trust someone who's said hes innocent to all of this and to the stuff he's done claims it's not his fault and that he's not wrong.
He calls me crazy, says I suffer from low self confidence and I'm sensitive so I feel he's always lying but damn my list of suspicions are long and I feel like I am going crazy.
I don't know if my feelings of him being the father of my children and being the only family or friend I have is clouding my judgment.
I'm so lonely and lost, please truthful advice and help would be appreciated especially from a guys point of view.

1 Answers

Divalarsen Answered:

Hello. I didn't read all you wrote but I am sure it was good to let it out. You don't need me to tell you what you already know. Trust your instincts. Ask yourself this question ... "what answer am I 'hoping' to get on this forum?' You know better than anyone in the world what is best for you. I can give you my opinion but you don't know me and you don't know my perspective. And the same is true on my side. I only know what you've described. The older I get, the more I trust my instict. Another question to ask yourself is "what am I afraid of" and then when you have an answer, ask yourself why youre afraid. keep asking until you exhaust it. then you will know the answer behind your motivation. i was afraid to leave my husband. i didn't want to disrupt status quo. i was comfortable with a mediocre situation. until I wasn't. then I left. nothing right or wrong about it. it just finally got to a point where there was nothing left in the relationship for me. So I am sorry that I can't give you a definative answer. I suspect you already know the answer. Now you need to choose what you intend to do with the situation. You can't change him. I wasted years thinking I could love him enough to love me back. I was wrong. I hope that you find happiness and joy and love. You deserve it.

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