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Sexual mismatch between my wife and I

Hey all,

I'm totally new to this forum and have registered as I am in need to some advice. My wife and I have been together now for nearly 6 years and have been married for just over 8 months. I have, however started to realise that our sexual mismatching in regards to both our libido as well as our kinks/tastes could be starting to worry me/trouble me more than I honestly thought it would. I feel a bit ashamed to say. 

My wife has started to noticea change in my behaviour (im terrible at hiding when something is bothering me) and so I have asked for a bit of time to gather my thoughts on what I want to say. As I often do, I have written down what I basically want to say to her, but was wondering if i might post it up onto here to ascertain if I am about to ruin something great, if it sounds ok, or if I am being a bit of a terrible husband and not realising it (I truly hope not)

Thank you all in advance

My thoughts on what to say: 

Before I say anything, I want to make something absolutely clear, and that is that I love you dearly, and nothing has changed about that fact, I love you, us, our life together thus far, everything. Please remember that, for it is because of this fact that I feel I need to tell you what I am about to say.

We have been together now for 6+ years and I would hope that you would agree we have an amazing relationship and partnership. I feel like wherever you are is my home, we are the best of friends and I love you for all the great times we have spent together. There is however, one area in our relationship in which I feel we are mismatched, and I do not think it will come as a surprise to you either. 

This area being the sexual part of our relationship. By saying this, I am by no means saying that the sex we have is bad, actually it is great. But I am speaking more for the mismatch in regards to both our sexual drives and tastes/kinks. Before we got together, during the flirting texts and sexual questions, I think you knew that I had a large sexual drive and that the activities I was used to doing with partners were perhaps, and understandably, a little more risqué or out of your comfort zone at the time. And, at that time in our relationship, and indeed, for the first few years, it did not bother me in the slightest. I thought we would just explore what kinks and experiences we both enjoy and work from there. However in more recent times in our relationship I realise that this maybe has not been the case. There has been the occasional time in our relationship where we have stepped outside of more 'normal' sexual experiences together, but they have usually been singular in occurrence. I say this not as a criticism, but just to say that I am beginning to feel like you won't want to or ever really feel comfortable stepping outside of 'vanilla' sexual experiences (normal sex and manual foreplay), which is totally your right to dictate, as I do not want to be forcing you into something you are not comfortable doing, that is something I would never want to do. 

I just feel like I would not be being fair to you if I did not tell you about these worries that I've really only just started coming to terms with regarding a lack of an outlet for my various kinks/more outlandish tastes. 

I however realise that a partnership is just that, a partnership between two people, and by that I must also realise that in some areas I am perhaps not helping, I realise that sometimes I can commonly and perhaps too often ask for various things relating to my tastes (such as oral etc), and in doing so, make you less and less amicable to the idea of acting upon such a request, and for this I really apologise. I must also realise that perhaps there might be issues with regards to also pleasing you sexually or emotionally that I have not addressed, and if this is the case I hope you could tell me.   
I must reiterate that I tell you all this not to criticise or to complain, but merely to make you aware of what has started to trouble me more recently, in the hope that we can come together to find a way forward through this before it were to begin to create a hole or obstacle I n our relationship, which is something I want to avoid at all costs.   

Answers (2)

ted1234 said on
From reading your question, I get an impression that you are too focused on your own kinks, your own drive.  I think the solution to your problem is that you should focus on what your wife likes. Don't just write her off as a person who isn't interested in sex. Maybe the monotony of your sexual life has got her disinterested in sex, or maybe the fact that you are asking her for sexual favors all the time but never ask or take interest in what her likes are.  
I think the fact that you are complaining and writing letters that you have more needs than she can satisfy won't help your case. First you must take interest in what pleases her. If that doesn't work, then talk to her and see a sex therapist.
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