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Asked by Last Updated:

How do I maintain an old platonic friendship and not ruin my relationship?

I have been in this relationship for 8 months now.
My boyfriend has obvious trust issues that he admits to and attributes to being cheated on in his very first relationship.
Once, my boyfriend told me he doesn’t want to ever see a particular good (guy) friend I told him about (me and this good friend had a thing for a long time) as it would be a slap to his ego as a man.
The thing is I have NEVER done anything that would make him questions his trust for me.
Even as little as getting a “hello” from a guy friend on whatsapp, I let him know about it, doing this because I try remain transparent, being understanding of the trust issues and trying to WIN his trust (given the trust issues).
Now, there’s this particular guy friend, Tom.
Tom and I have been good friends for about 9 years now.
Our friendship is completely platonic (talks to me about girl(s) he is seeing, relationship issues he’s having, and vice versa, sometimes, we playfully throw “insulting” words at each other, all which I started to stop doing when I got into a relationship, my first official relationship).
I’m currently in the same city as Tom doing my masters.
My boyfriend and I had a HUGE fall out when he first found out I will be doing my masters in the same city as Tom.
He insists that Tom and I can’t be “just good friends”.
 It’s been 4 months since moving to same city as Tom and I’ve only spoken to Tom like 3 times.
I have drastically reduced my communication with him because of my boyfriend but also because I want to set up some boundary, which I feel I’m not doing right (as I’ve once totally ignored his message).
I have completely ignored Tom.
I feel I’m supposed to hang out with Tom at least once but my boyfriend totally disagrees.
EACH TIME Tom’s name comes up (which HARDLY does) we have a HUGE fall out! How do I maintain boundary with Tom while protecting the friendship? How do I not disappoint my boyfriend by remaining good friends with Tom? We agreed that when he comes to visit then we can all (including Tom) hang out together but it’s been four months already and a long old friendship is fast deteriorating.
What do I do?!   

4 Answers

Megan Answered:

I see red flags here. He has to let you have friendships. Controlling relationships rarely work out, trust me I have dated controlling guys. Never married one which is a good thing.

MotherandWife Answered:

If you really care abut your boyfriend, you shouldn't fret on maintaining a relationship with another fellow, especially if you two "had a thing for a long time." Maybe their is a deeper reason that you cannot let go of this relationship. On the other hand if maintaing your friendships with old platonic friends seems more important, mabe it's time to reconsider a boyfriend who is more open to you having platonic male friends. Remember, your boyfriend will always have trust issues, and that is something you will always have to deal with.

emmasmith Answered:

Your boyfriend may have a problem, Talk with your boyfriends about this.

Ted1234 Answered:

You cannot let your boyfriend's trust issues destroy your friendships. Your boyfriend is important but so are your friends. In every phase of life you are going to meet men, who might be attractive, who might become your friends. Your boyfriend may have a problem with that, so will you give up on all your friendships? I think not. You have to speak to him about this. Just because his first girlfriend was unfaithful does not imply that every girl is. In fact it is kind of disrespectful that he is always suspicious that you are cheating on him. You might have a huge fight when talk about this, but you have to. This is very important your relationship.

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