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Not Ready for Marriage With Her

I'll try to keep it as short as possible.

Started dating my gf 3.5 years ago. She moved into a new place with her 10 y/o daughter and 21 y/o brother 3 years ago. I moved in with them all almost 2 years ago. We are both divorced.

She is getting frustrated that our relationship has taken the next step, aka marriage, house, etc. Many of her friends are getting married and having babies but they are in a much different place versus us. I am hesitant to take the next step. If you will allow me, below is why.

There was a verbal agreement when I moved in that I pay 1/3 of the bills. Her brother let's just say is a very unmotivated and lazy individual. He was laid off from his job last year and made little to no attempt to find another job and spent the first 5 months of last year not only not working but not doing anything to help around the house. He works now but still does next to nothing around the house except eat a lot of the food and play video games. To pick up his slack, my gf let him off the hook and now he is only paying $300/mo (I give her $700 on the 1st of the month to pay the bills which are in her name but then another few hundred is spent on food) The $300 he pays slightly less than 1/3 of the rent and he pays for nothing else. His not working for months and high car insurance payments due to getting numerous speeding tickets have put him in a bad spot financially. My gf has absorbed most of his debts although I have paid a lot to help out with the food bill. I think he is capable of paying more as my gf has admitted a lot of his free money goes to cigarettes, booze and partying.

Life in this house consists me running my gf and her kid to work and school every morning, even when I am coming off the graveyard shift, constantly cleaning up dishes, taking the garbage out every week, taking care of the two cats which aren't mine, cleaning the house in general, sometimes rushing home from work because she has company coming over. Yes, my gf does what she can (she works 60hrs a week) but we get no contribution from the brother. Even the 10 y/o could have a few small chores but doesn't.

We've had arguments about this in the past but they really don't go anywhere. Her response to the brother situation is that she cant really do anything about it, mostly cause he cant make it on his own. The only way I see him leaving is if he does it on his own but why would he leave if he can live for almost free and not have to help out? He has a long term gf but isnt ready to move in with her. Probably because she would make him pay and help out. My gf has another brother (36 y/o) who also occasionally asks for money. If we get married, now that US supporting these lazy slackers.

She has also teased about having another kid, mostly likely via adoption. I love kids, but she has known from the start that I don't want them. We haven't talked about it in depth but when we have, she has ended the conversation with, "well if I want a kid, I'll do it with or without you."

Is it wrong for me to see a problem here? I think we need to resolve these issues first before we even talk marriage. We need to agree on the above issues. I don't want to spend another marriage (I am divorced once) cleaning up after and helping to support grown adults and looking after a kid I didn't want.

Is this relationship doomed?

1 Answer

ted1234 said on
Your concern is absolutely valid. I think there are a lot of issues between you and your girlfriend that you need to resolve before thinking about getting married. When your girlfriend insists about marriage you should clearly state your problems. You can tell her that unless her brother quits freeriding on your money and resources you are not comfortable getting married. Marriage entails supporting each other, not your partner's irresponsible sibbling. You should not feel guilty about not heading towards marriage because clearly you are not ready and you have some solid reasons for that.
And about kids, you do not want kids and you have been clear about that which is good. If she is saying that she will have one with or without you then that means you don't have much of a choice. There is nothing for you to do in this.
All I can say is that you have some major disagreements that have to be solved and the topic of marriage is something that you two should put off for the time being.
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