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Feeling that I am low priority

Hi everyone need a advise on relationship?Me and husband are married for approximately 9 years now. I want a advice on recent incident that happend in my life. Lately I have discovered that he is developing close relationship with his female colleagues. With one collegue I found him texting too many details about how he is spending his weekend, and many other personal things, also some texts that he has left coffee for her on her desk. I brought that to his notice, he was upset that how I can quantify the amount of messages, I am digging into his private matter. He started deleting texts from her, also he changed his all passwords, also quarreled that I should not look at his phone ever and give him privacy. I did not check his mobile as promised. I meet her once once, he said that she always talks about me, but surprisingly she never added me on her facebook even though I am the part of their conversation . I also told him that I don't like that girl and he should not go out alone on one to one drinks with her. Once, when we were watching something n TV, his mobile was vibrating, it was one of his friend's message, i casually commented on something on mobile, he got angry (he has anger issues he never has received any therapy for that, with this new job his anger issues have also exacerbated) and he threw phone, which accidentally hit my face and I was bleeding from nose, mouth but he kept talking that I am affecting his relationship with other people, he was apologetic only the next day otherwise , he was rationalizing his behavior that I was responsible for it because how dare I comment on his phone, he said his anger was because in past I checked his phone. But also, then he initiated a project with her, he did not even bother to tell me inspite of the fact that I will upset about when I know (he is in medical residency with 28 other collegues, research project is not needed for his job and there are other residents he can do the project but even if he does that I would have felt better if he told me but he didnt. Next incident is another girl, who is from Europe only few months in States, met her only 4 times, they were going on conference in California, their flight was at 8am. This girl said to my husband that she is very scared of traveling in early morning can she stay at our place for a day, so that they can go together. He asked and I refused as we stay in small one bedroom apt with 1 bathroom which has no lock, I had my periods and I was uncomfortable, he fought with me whole night and said that he knew I would refuse, I always spoil his relationship with his female colleague- (I don't understand how is it spoiling relationship just by saying no!!). Oh yeah, I remember, I said that I find it weird because it was not early morning as per me-he got upset about it that this is 2nd girl I called weird!! Anyways whole night he fought and slept on couch outside. Trust me I had plans for that weekend hence I refused because due to nature of our job we hardly see each other, that was only day together I had plans but he didnt believe me. Next day he went without saying bye to me, and he went in opposite to direction train to pick her up and then travel together to airport-he didn’t even tell me that. I really find it extreme. Is it me or anyone else finds that he is taking me for granted. I feel hurt that after 10 years of relationship he is treating me this way, I need help. I have talked with him, but he always says the same thing that its me I am affecting his relationship with his female colleagues, when I tell him that I want separation he gets angry and tells me that he will leave his job, so that he doesn’t have to deal with female colleagues. That’s not what I asked, I just want transparency in relationship. I actually don’t know why I am writing it here, but I feel sad.
(Of side note, I married him and loved him even though he is HIV positive 10 years back when there was no PREP, also he has anger issues and complete Obsessive compulsive personality, he can fight with you even for trivial thing for hours.)

1 Answer

ted1234 said on
Marriage is the most intimate relationship there is and you have the right to ask him about his professional life and his colleagues. Though going through your spouse's messages or making comments about his colleagues is not something pleasant or advisable. But his reactions are extremely strong and I understand it is not easy for you to put up with his anger. I suggest you must first take your husband to therapist for his anger. You and your husband should also seek couples therapy together. Keeping on fighting over trivial issues without getting any solution will only damage your marriage more.  As far as priorities are concerned, I agree with you, your partner is not giving you as much importance as you deserve. He goes out of the way to help his colleagues but does not put as much effort towards you or  your relationship.  You said when you asked him for separation he got angry but, he was not eager to part ways with you. This means that he cares for you and your relationship is important for him. Your relationship has a chance of getting better, if you do decide to seek help help from a counselor, you can resolve all your problems. 
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