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Asked by Last Updated:

Secured Long-Term Relationsihp vs. Unconditional Love Affair

I'd like to introduce myself as Len.
I am 26-year old and I am married to an engineer who currently works in Saudi.
We have been married for 2 years already but we've been having this relationship for 8 years and we have been blessed with a 5-year old daughter.
He used to physically, emotionally, and mentally abuse me when we were still young but right now he has refrained from doing it again.
I can say I am happy with my husband and he has been supporting me and our daughter to the fullest.
I know that he loves me and he would do everything for me.
Though there was a time that our relationship hit a bad turn, it started on November 2015, I overheard some rumors about him having an affair with his workmate and he kept on saying that it wasn't true.
I refused to believe him and told him that I wanted to file an annulment but he wouldn't let me.
I desperately wanted someone to talk to and comfort me, that's when I met a 42-year old man into my life, let's call him Chris.
He comforted me from my loneliness, helped me forget the heartaches, and we both fell in love.
I can tell that he really loves me based on all the efforts he had done.
He knows that I am married and I haven't been annulled with my husband yet he is willing to wait for me until the very end.
He is already divorced with his ex-wife and they had 3 children together.
Some of his family relatives and friends already know about us but on my side, only my sisters, friends know, and I even told my husband about us but still he wouldn't agree with having an annulment.
I really love the man I am currently having an affair with, I cannot afford to lose him and I do not want to leave him after all that he has done for me.
Last December 2016, I had a talk with my husband and he persuaded me about us having a new start.
He told me that the rumors about him were really not true.
I told him about the affair that I had and he told me he has forgiven me.
I was already okay with losing my husband but after our talk, my feelings for him went back, I did not want to lose him either, I'm not really sure if it's because I still love him or because I wanted to feel secure.
Now, I am currently two-timing with the both of them.
I am aware about my wrong-doings, but still I cannot help myself.
I decided to keep my marriage with my husband maybe because of financial and emotional assurance and I decided not to stop my affair because I would feel guilty about leaving him and the fact that I love him and do not want to lose him.
Right now, Chris is here in the city where I live in for his vacation.
We are not living together because of my security purposes.
He is currently busy with his children and relatives which makes me jealous most of the time.
Though he is trying his best to be with me when he can, I just cannot help my jealousy over them.
Now I am what I should do with these feelings I have for my husband and the man I am having an affair with.
I love my husband because we have been together for a very long time, I know him and he knows me very well, although there are times he doesn't treat me with respect.
He shouts at me occasionally, the way he used to abuse me way back.
I love Chris for he has done everything for me and has not given up with our relationship, he treats me with respect, what my husband lacks, he has.
I am having a hard time weighing my feelings for them.

2 Answers

emmasmith Answered:

You should go for relationship therapy, In a relationship therapy! The therapist focuses on the emotions of involved persons and finds a solution that would be relevant to both of them. As the people are required to bring minor changes in their behavior, actions, and a special focus is given on their emotions.

Narnam Answered:

Hi MissPatikan

I believe you when you say that you're having a real hard time weighing your feelings for both these men. Add to this confusion, you're really young and at such an age, it is hard to make life changing decisions.    You say you're still in love with your husband (or you're unable to define exactly what you feel for him) even though he was abusive in the past. Given your history, you know him best; you enjoy a certain level of intimacy with him and have accepted / acknowledged his flaws and attributes. You think he has changed quite a lot and this is one of the reasons why you feel differently towards him after 8 years of togetherness.      Apart from that, here's another guy you have recently met and you feel that you're in love with him. He's divorced and has expressed that he wants to be with you despite the fact that you're still married. Have you stopped and asked yourself how much you know him, what are his long-term plans, what about the big age difference you have? At times, we are so consumed with the feelings of love that we start to base all our decisions on 'love'. Don't let that happen. You have a little daughter you're responsible for; as well as your life - so you need to be cautious.     I am not suggesting that you discard this new man. You need to ask yourself some very hard hitting questions that only you can answer. Remember, don't base everything on mere feelings. Start thinking practically. Find out what your husband plans to do? What about your daughter? What about the abuse? Is he willing to work on his flaws and the relationship? Will he go for professional counseling if you decide to stay with him?  Similarly, ask Chris what are his intentions about this relationship.... and where he sees you in his life after 10 years on...   Frankly, no one can answer this question for you. It's your life and you need to decide who you want to be with. Who do you think you will be most happy with? 

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