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Asked by Last Updated:

Should I stay

I have been married 15 years.
We have 2 children together.
He is very verbally and emotionally abusive to me and now starting on the children.
He tells us what to do and how to do it and threatens us by taking things away or other ways if we don't do it up to his standards.
He has always mumbled things under his breath but getting worse latley.
We will be watching a movie or sitting in church and he mumbles I hate my wife or says I don't love you anymore.
I ask him what he said and just says I didn't say anything.
Weird, I know! The kids are asking me now why he says this.
I want to try and work this out and keep my family together.
He refuses to get help.

2 Answers

emmasmith Answered:

I can understand your problem. From my opinion, you should go for family counselling, where a counselor will understand your problems and helps you to improve communication and resolve conflicts between family members.

Narnam Answered:

Victims find themselves between a rock and a hard spot when it comes to dealing with their verbally abusive husband. On one side, the abuser tells the victim he loves her. In your case, this is quite the opposite.He openly tells you that he does not love you anymore. He doesn't care that you're hurt... You probably realize that youre up against his entire history of abusive learned behaviors (and possibly psychological disorders or substance abuse),... You may have felt that you can love him out of it if you're patient and kind enough.

If you think that change is possible, you must put aside romantic notions of love and focus on your own behavior. You must harden your heart to his insults and rage, and consistently enforce personal boundaries that prevent him from diminishing you psychologically with his abuse.
When he abuses you, be prepared to say things like:

  • "I'm not going to listen to nonsense."
  • "Stop it."
  • "Hold it. I do not understand you.
  • If you don't stop, I will not be afraid to leave you. 
If he does not cooperate, you will have to follow through with your personal boundaries and remove yourself promptly from the conversation. A relationship in which one person must always be the adult is very difficult to manage. 

Find ways to relax and mentally escape from the relationship,,,, give me a certain period of time to improve/ take up conseling, etc. If you feel he can improve, then continue to help him. If not,  then know that you have to get out of this torturing relationship.... For you as well as for the safety of your children, this is important. 

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