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Asked by Last Updated:

Alone time needed for woman

About us: Both over 50.
 Her: Single mom with two kids.
Dating three years.
 I often spend the night.
First, I will admit I did not understand the need for my girlfriends "alone time".
I can be honest and say I always wanted her to do things with me, and basically spend almost every minute with me.
I "learned" that her being a single mom, taking care of two kids, running a house, and working part time would drive anyone to need an alone break.
I believe I have been very acccpting of this, and when I see she is frazzled or in the middle of something I will simply giver her space.
 Maybe watch tv, go outside with the kids, bike riding, etc.
However, just last week when she was in the other room on the computer, and I was watching tv two rooms away, she approaced me and asked me to turn the tv off and leave the room as she needed alone time? I asked if she was serious and said I have been sitting here by myself and not "bothering" her.
 She stated that I still so not understand her need for alone time, and I should leave the room.
 Frankly, I was pretty hurt by this.
OK, I do not understand this at all.
 Is it just me being there that is bothering her? Is this her way of telling me I am not wanted there? Or is there something about a womans alone time that I do not understand?

1 Answers

Follow_heart Answered:

Yeah, if I were you I'd be pretty hurt and upset by that kind of behaviour. Just because someone needs alone time does not mean they can act in a rude way. But there could be more to this. You say that:
I can be honest and say I always wanted her to do things with me, and basically spend almost every minute with me. 

You want her to basically be by your side all the time. Probably, you both spend all of your time with each other and this makes her crave for some alone time. Add to it, she also has other responsibilities like kids, house and working part time. That can get pretty stressful you know. I think probably she was having a bad day and just wanted to be by herself and not have anyone around. I get that. But having said so, I also feel she could have communicated her feelings in a nicer way - in a manner that would not hurt you and make you feel that you are not wanted there. You should speak to her about this. Tell her you wish she spoke nicely to her... A good example could be this: "Alone time is really important to me. I want to be the best girlfriend / wife I can be and it's really important that I spend this time alone so I can be that person" It's all about practicing healthy communication here. Such a response removes the sense of attack from the feeling and instead conveys how the relationship will be enhanced as a result of making alone time available for each partner.
You should also tell her that finding alone time doesn't mean you need to shut out your partner and go on a silent retreat in the woods for two weeks. In a relationship, both partners must also compromise on expectations and make sure your partner's needs are also being met. Check in to make sure his/her needs are being met, before you spend time focusing on you. 

When two people are absolutely clear about their intentions, there is less of a gray area, which minimizes misinterpretation. 

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