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Asked by Last Updated:

Husband never home

I've been reading these forums for years am finally posting.
 Yes, that's how long I've been having these issues.
 We've been married for almost four years and he is never home.
 He works six days a week as a restaurant manager and only has Mondays off and goes in late on Sundays.
He also coaches high school soccer and plays on a men's soccer team on Sunday (the only day we both have time off.
)  I work a normal 9-5 and also own two businesses that I do from home.
 I'm also finishing my Master's degree.
He says he wants a different schedule, but always has an excuse not to make a change.
 Another major issue for us is that he has pretty severe ADHD.
 Due to this disorder, he hasn't finished his Bachelor's, although has been doing it off and on for years.
 He is in school now and hopefully will finally graduate this summer.
 He says then he will be able to find a better job.
 The problem is that I don't have much more patience.
 I've been waiting almost seven years for his promise to finish school and have a better schedule.
The ADHD makes it almost impossible to have a conversation with him about anything serious.
 He gets frustrated, tunes out, doesn't respond, pouts, and is very insensative.
 It also causes him to be very impulsive so he says and does some outlandish things.
He is an extremely hard worker, which I love, but his efforts lack direction and focus.
 I know I'm not perfect, I'm not the best communicator when I'm hurt, but I alwasy try to do the right thing and put his needs first.
 We've tried counseling many times but it doesn't help, he doesn't open up during the session and he just sits there with his arms crossed.
 I also want to point out that the same characteristics that are issues are also why I was attracted to him.
He's charastmatic, outgoing, super friendly, very sweet, and super fun.
 The problem is that I feel a part of my life has been on hold for years.
 He is not around on the weekends, holidays, he misses all of our events, etc etc.
 I'm not sure what to do but I don't want to be told to get a life, friends, or a hobby.
 Been there done that times 10.
 I want a husband whos a support to me and a family, not to mention children before I get much older (Im 33).
 Should I wait out a little more and see what happens if he finally graduates, or should I move on and attempt to find happiness before I get too old?

2 Answers

mathisurendran Answered:

It is indeed sad that your husband never feels it is his duty to spend time with you. But you say he is very charismatic,outgoing and super fun. Very rare qualities in a husband nowadays. Do not go for counsellins as it will never help you. In fact your husband would feel frustrated and angry that you had arranged a thrid party to advice him. But he is definitely duty bound to spend qualilty time with you. You say your husband is fun. But are you fun and outgoing? Or do you nag himm threadbare about not finishing his degree. Do not pressurize him. When you nag he will find all sorts of excuses to stay away from home. You should make his stay at home pleasurable. You should have a frank talk with him about your lonelines. But when you fight he will not listen. But if you are pleasing he definitely will listen to you. Divorcing your husband for this is a blunder. Do not even think of it. Ask your husband whether you are doing anything wrong. There is always two side of a coin. You too might be commiting relationship mistakes.

Kathelps Answered:

Hi there,  I really can feel your pain here and sense the frustration in your voice... I'm sorry that you are going through this. I feel you here when you say that you want a man in your life, who you look up to as a husband and the future father of your children. It's very important and no, I will not ask you to get a life, friends, bobby, etc. I think you are already doing a lot of work here with a Master's degree and all.... Mostly when a friend tells me that he/she is going through a relationship problem, I mostly tell them to stick around and try to overcome that issue. But I think you've done everything to make this relationship work and frankly you already sound like you have fallen out of love for him... What do you think you're going to gain  if you wait out a little more after he finally graduates? Do you think he will understand your needs and be able to fullfill all that? Be honest with yourself - Knowing him as you do, I'm sure you will know the answer.... I had a friend in a similar situation as yours. She just fell out of love with her husband. Why? Because he was never there for her. He stopped being the man she loved and would turn to for emotional support. She stopped believeing that he could ever change and be the man who could father her children and give them love and joy as a family. It happens and there's no one we can blame. I am not suggesting your husband is a bad person - but after all these years, has he been a good partner to you? Has he given you the comfort, the reassurance that no matter how bad the situation may be now, it will all be okay? Has he given this relationship a fair chance during therapy and otherwise? If no, then I'd really suggest to you to move on...there's very little point in dragging things. You are already 33....  To start a fresh life you will need time for that as well... See, in the end you should evaluate your feelings for him - if you love him and think he can improve, then give it some time...If not, then talk to him and tell him you want to end it. 

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