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My husband cheated on me.

My husband cheated on me a year ago. I agreed to forgive him and continue with the relashinship. But till now, I feel angry, resentful and can't seem to move on! it's ruining my life and happiness. What do I do? Sensing that time I'm being aggressive and offensive to him - and it's killing me and killing us - I know it's wrong but I can't stop. Please help!

Answers (7)

Mark said on
He was wrong, terribly wrong when he cheated on you. But he told you or somehow you found out, whatever be the case you came to know about it, and finally you decided to forgive him for the crime he committed. It was very kind-hearted of you. You actually earned something by this move. Not every one is as magnanimous as you.

There is a question I would like to ask first. During this year, did you guys ever had a chat about this topic again? Or have you never discussed the matter again in the house?

If you have not discussed anything related to the matter again with him, I think it's time to sit on the couch facing your husband and discuss everything you are frustrated about. The frustration is obvious but you decided to give him another chance. So be it, give him another chance! You need to fall in love again with him, love him for the minuscule moments/habits/actions that might not matter overall but definitely matter for a couple.

All this with some caution. But no frustration because you actually decided to come out of it a long tme ago. You are better than the most in this case. You must feel confidence and pride for your earlier decision. Do not look at it with skepticism. You did right. You gave him a chance. It isn't easy but you did it.

All you need to do is fall in love with the same guy again. And make sure you do not forgive him if he does the same thing again. But give him a chance as you promised yourself.

nnnnn said on Jul 12, 2014

Yea we've discussed it several times and I end up crying and yelling at him "how could u do this to me <\3". He feels terrible and he's being very kind and understanding. He accepts all the hurtful words I say to him when I'm angry. I just want to have peace in my heart, and stop this bitterness that eats the person alive. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really meant a lot.

Mark said on Jul 14, 2014

You are frequently mentioning that your husband is very kind, understanding, and doesn't say a word when you yell at him. You know, he is probably regretting his earlier decision to cheat you. He understands the gravity of his earlier actions and how much he has hurt you over the period.

Well, you know the real situation, I can not really comment on a person on the basis of few sentences you wrote but I think he is kind of repenting. If you think that he has done enough of penitence for his earlier sins, you must pardon him. Whatever be the case! You will have to put in your trust in him again to be happy and to leave out the frustration of your life. That doesn't mean you should completely depend on him for every single pleasure of life. You must have a separate life of your own in which you can do things, enjoy moments yourself and with your friends. But give him a chance as your partner. Do not be skeptic of him but do not even completely depend on him. Make your own identity. Read books. That will surely help!
said on
patrick.kei
There must have been a solid reason why you forgave him in the first place. Why are you frustrated and angry still? As I see it, there could only be one reason. If your husband really meant to give this relationship a chance, I'm certain he did a few things to improve and work on it. Was this not the case? Do you feel he is not doing enough? Does he disappoint you? What are you real concerns ? please reflect on yourself and if you feel you need to discuss them with him , then do it with a cool and practical mind. You don't have to tear yourself apart - please work toward finding a solution - and only you know the best one. Be kind to yourself - only then will you be able to be kind to him & actually bring joy and happiness to the relationship.

nnnnn said on Jul 12, 2014

He's trying everything to make it work again. I know how much he loves me. I'm just scared all the time that he would do it again. Although he assures me all the time that he would never do such thing again. I just really need to feel safe. I'm getting nightmares about him cheating on me, and I wake up crying and feeling angry. Then, he starts to calm me down and promises me that it'll get better. Something inside me is still broken.
said on
will.wills2076
As I see it, he is doing everything to repair the damage he did. When you decided to give him a chance, you decided to be completely fair. He is admitting the mistake, saying sorry and assuring you that it won't happen again. If you want to give your marriage another chance, you need to trust him. Please put an end to this anger and frustration... you have a find a way to mend things, and your husband is helping you, is there for you. So why feel so bad? what happened is over...pls don't lament over it and make things so difficult and painful for both you and your hubby. strengthen your bond with him all over again; he clearly wants to make it work with you.

Lesterwife said on Jul 1, 2015

Have you ever had your husband cheat on you? If not you obviously do not know the excruciating pain and anguish this causes. Even experts will tell you it could take YEARS to heal. Yes he is trying but he cannot guarantee her it will never happen again. Things aren't that easy when feelings have been burned that way and trust has been shattered. If this had happened to you, you might understand a little better. She's not trying to make things more painful for her and her husband. This is more painful than childbirth. This hits you physically, mentally, and emotionally. This is a different kind of pain altogether. Its not that easy to just dismiss. This thing causes shattered trust, low self esteem for the faithful spouse. The one person on this planet you felt safe with and knew you could trust taken away in the blink of an eye. Not so easy to just "put your big girl panties on" and go on as if nothing is wrong. The faithful spouse needs their time to be angry, to grieve, to put the pieces of their shattered and tattered life back together. He needs to be patient and see and understand the full affect of his choice. They need counseling to guide Both of them. Plus just because he is doing everything to repair the damage he did, does not excuse the fact nor does it erase the fact nor does it forgive the fact it happened in the first place. This is NOT her fault. It is his, so give her the dang time she needs and quit pushing and urging her to forgive and forget. A betrayal like this is something that after time may be forgiven but is such a traumatic experience it will never be forgotten.
Lesterwife said on
I call BS on the trusting him again. Honey i'll be honest with you. You will never completely trust him again. My husband had an emotional affair on me. I caught him, we separated for two weeks and then i gave him another chance. Guess what he NEVER ended his affair and when i found out the second time he has really cut ties with her, become pathetic and wants ANOTHER chance so bad. Once your trust has been shattered you will never fully be able to trust them again. And like i told my husband when he swore to me it will never happen again, " you cannot guarantee me that". Its true they do not know the future and cannot guarantee us it will never happen again. I feel for you sweetie i know what you are going through b/c i'm there. You are broken and it takes alot of time to heal from that. I would suggest finding a good counselor too. Not just for you but for him as well so that he can learn how to deal with the reprecussions of what he has done and know what to expect.
LoveCoach said on
nnnn and Lesterwife, it truly is possible to forgive someone completely and to trust them again.  It is all in YOUR blueprint of the world.  When you were cheated on, (and YES, I have been cheated on and completely forgave him after going through the process I now use to help others) he was trying to meet his six human needs without regard as to the ramifications of your feelings.  When he did this, it broke a bond between the two of you.  The beautiful thing is, just like a broken bone, when it heals it becomes even stronger, and your relationship can too.  You know there is a saying, "Not forgiving another person is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die" .  If you really think about this, you can see how much truth there is in that statement.  By not forgiving and wallowing in it, you are hurting yourself.  You are denying yourself your true self and your need for Love.  When you truly forgive and work together to mend the marriage, you will rise out of the ashes a stronger, more grounded, more loving, and more intimate couple because you will have really taken the time to do the work that will bring your true selves back together.  As I said, I work with people all the time in bringing back the love and intimacy and passion into their relationships, and while it might not be easy, it is so worth it.  I truly hope you find the peace inside yourself that allows you to forgive and to move on in gratitude, abundance, and passion.  <3
Lesterwife said on
Well considering i did forgive and give him another chance and guess what? He had apparently never ended it with her and they were still going at it. Now that i have found out the second time he has broken it off and wants ANOTHER chance. He is still working out of town where she lives mon-fri. How exactly do i forgive AGAIN and trust?
LoveCoach said on
I can see where you feel betrayed and hurt.  What exactly did he do?  You say an emotional affair, and those can be difficult, but when we really get down to the facts, I would bet that you were not feeling fulfilled by him, and he was not feeling fulfilled by you.  This is such a sad place to be, as it can all be avoided if the couple has the tools and knowledge to prevent it, but unfortunately it is not something taught to people before they enter a relationship or marriage.  The good news is, it truly can all be turned around and you can live a life filled with passion, love, trust, and intimacy.  If we were working together, i would walk you through an exercise where we find out what your top needs are, and how they have been met ( and the deficiencies) and what his needs are and where they have not been met and how to turn it all around.  I know at times it seems hopeless, but it truly isn't.  Even if you find that you cannot trust him, at least after everything we do, you will know what you need to move on and into a relationship where these issues won't ever hurt you again, and you can live a life full of gratitude, abundance, and passion!!  <3

Lesterwife said on Jul 2, 2015

Truth is I honestly don't know if I have it in me to try. Regardless of any problems we may have had that doesn't give him the right to cheat on me. End it with me first. I'm just so hurt and I honestly feel in my gut he is still lying to me about certain details. I replied back to you on another post a few minutes ago with the entire story.
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